You just need to find some way to establish a dialogue. Try opening conversations on some of the following topics - Wayne Rooney, car engines, illegal immigrants, breasts, Armani. Avoid turning conversation to literature or current events. Bingo - instant rapport.
The hot topics in this office are - in no particular order - going to the pub and getting 'leathered', the shit (human) on that TV programme I can't remember the title of (what you eat or something) because I don't watch TV - which inspired a minutes silence when I happened to mention this fact - tapeworms hanging out of arses (fond of arse matter these people are) and what you did this weekend, more pubs, more shitfaced people. In fact I'd love the opportunity to talk of Rooney, breasts et al, but obviously in a wider, social-ramification, theoretical sort of way.
Well, only four and a half more weeks to go. Then that beautiful, divine sight of unemployment. I shall never speak ill of unemployment again... come hither fair maiden.
There is a certain sitcom quality to the world you describe. I'm picturing early evening ITV here. There is the straitlaced office girl, probably played by Julia Sawalha, who is struggling to fit into her new office environment. At first the cheeky laddish workforce think she's a bit of a cold fish, but this is actually only a front for her vulnerable kitten-like inner self. Over time our heroine discovers that beneath the boorish appearence of her coworkers, lies an earthy warmth and basic decency. She realises what she has been missing all these years buried in fusty old books, gets married, has loads of grubby horrible offspring, and then drags them round supermarkets, where the downtrodden workforce must endure the constant torment of their hideous gremlin-screeching and grasping sticky paws.
Ahem - yeah, my job kinda sucks too. Children *shudders* The horror! the horror!
I hope you are referring to one of my fellow administrators when you talk of the 'straitlaced office girl.' Despite the mild romanticism of the thawing of an ice queen, this girl is not me. I am evil to the core. I really am! (girning emphatic face) I think children are little shits. Especially those with gappy smiles, and golden ringlets. SHEER EVIL DEVIL INCARNATES!!!
Ok, ok, so some of the people in the office are nice. But I can't relate. When there is a group of people around I gravitate to the vacant space. I am genetically engineered to end up as a piss-stained spinster.
PS. Thesis...completion...near? PPS. PHD Shelf stacker? What is the going rate for that?
Ah, inside every child-hating misanthrope is a psychotic hermit yearning to break free. What is it you actually do btw? Words such as 'insurance' and 'administrator' seem to crop up periodically, but their precise meaning remains somewhat obtuse.
Thesis completion is near-ish. I've got more rewrites to do on my final chapters, but have started to finish off my earlier ones i.e. they are now in a final submitable form. A month or two I would estimate.
I cannot work out whether I am a shelf-stacker who dreamt he was a doctor, or a (hopefully soon-to-be) doctor having a nightmare about being a shelf-stacker. The going rate is, of course, insultingly low, but if you're going to do crappy menial work, then a small picturesque town populated mainly by the elderly is one of the nicer places to do it.
I don't know what other clues I can give you besides the insurance + administrator.
It's only temping...I really want to do..well I'm not too sure anymore. I just don't want to feel that I'm raping my soul everyday just to bring some coins home. Or maybe I should just lighten the fuck up...No, it's definately the world outside that's all wrong, it couldn't possibly be me...
Once you have your Doctorate of Theology(?) will you go into academia, do Doctors of X have any other choice? And what happens with the thesis when you've finished, is it published? Explain! I am only a simple graduate.
Yikes. I thought insurance administration would be all filling out forms and so on. That soul-raping thing sounds unpleasant, I hope they pay you overtime.
A Doctorate in Philosophy (if I get it) will qualify me pretty much only for academic work. My thesis will probably be kept in the university library, but would only be read further if I pillage bits of it to send as articles to journals. My main goal is simply to have a title. God, I know it's incredibly shallow, but I've practically destituted myself over 4 years, and I at least want the chance to feel smarter than government officials when filling out my benefit forms. Tick the 'Dr' box. Mmmmmm, petty sense of superiority.
I wish people would fill in their forms properly. It would make my day easier - and there'd be less soul-raping.
Being Dr. Someone would be cool. Can you put it on credit cards etc?
I guess the only downside would be if you were in the same room as someone whose life were in the balance and could reply in the affirmative when someone called out, 'Is there a doctor in the room?' But would be frickin useless to them and would have to watch them die, and suffer the silent censure of others in the room. But that's just a hypothetical situation. Yes, being a Doctor is cool.
Hey, I might not be able to administer a tracheotomy, but I would at least be able to take everyones mind off the ongoing tragedy:
"Is there a doctor in the room?" "Is there even a room? Perhaps perception is a purely mental phenomenon, and 'room' no more than a construct of language. Can I even be sure any of you exist outside my own imagination, and further, does my own life lose meaning based on such solipsism? How can any of us . . . oh, he's died."
As far as PhDs in general go, I would not recommend trying to fund one yourself (As I did). You end up working to pay the fees more than working on the PhD itself. If you can get a research grant or something though, it's a brilliant way to put off nagging questions about what to do with your life for a few years.
Hmm, I don't know if there's anything I would want to study for that length of time, that would be of any interest to anyone, or that I'd be clever enough to study. Plus I'm getting tired of the student hangover of debt. So, off to the rat race for me.
Reply
The hot topics in this office are - in no particular order - going to the pub and getting 'leathered', the shit (human) on that TV programme I can't remember the title of (what you eat or something) because I don't watch TV - which inspired a minutes silence when I happened to mention this fact - tapeworms hanging out of arses (fond of arse matter these people are) and what you did this weekend, more pubs, more shitfaced people. In fact I'd love the opportunity to talk of Rooney, breasts et al, but obviously in a wider, social-ramification, theoretical sort of way.
Well, only four and a half more weeks to go. Then that beautiful, divine sight of unemployment. I shall never speak ill of unemployment again... come hither fair maiden.
Reply
Ahem - yeah, my job kinda sucks too. Children *shudders* The horror! the horror!
Reply
Ok, ok, so some of the people in the office are nice. But I can't relate. When there is a group of people around I gravitate to the vacant space. I am genetically engineered to end up as a piss-stained spinster.
PS. Thesis...completion...near?
PPS. PHD Shelf stacker? What is the going rate for that?
Reply
Thesis completion is near-ish. I've got more rewrites to do on my final chapters, but have started to finish off my earlier ones i.e. they are now in a final submitable form. A month or two I would estimate.
I cannot work out whether I am a shelf-stacker who dreamt he was a doctor, or a (hopefully soon-to-be) doctor having a nightmare about being a shelf-stacker. The going rate is, of course, insultingly low, but if you're going to do crappy menial work, then a small picturesque town populated mainly by the elderly is one of the nicer places to do it.
Reply
It's only temping...I really want to do..well I'm not too sure anymore. I just don't want to feel that I'm raping my soul everyday just to bring some coins home. Or maybe I should just lighten the fuck up...No, it's definately the world outside that's all wrong, it couldn't possibly be me...
Once you have your Doctorate of Theology(?) will you go into academia, do Doctors of X have any other choice? And what happens with the thesis when you've finished, is it published? Explain! I am only a simple graduate.
Reply
A Doctorate in Philosophy (if I get it) will qualify me pretty much only for academic work. My thesis will probably be kept in the university library, but would only be read further if I pillage bits of it to send as articles to journals. My main goal is simply to have a title. God, I know it's incredibly shallow, but I've practically destituted myself over 4 years, and I at least want the chance to feel smarter than government officials when filling out my benefit forms. Tick the 'Dr' box. Mmmmmm, petty sense of superiority.
Reply
Being Dr. Someone would be cool. Can you put it on credit cards etc?
I guess the only downside would be if you were in the same room as someone whose life were in the balance and could reply in the affirmative when someone called out, 'Is there a doctor in the room?' But would be frickin useless to them and would have to watch them die, and suffer the silent censure of others in the room. But that's just a hypothetical situation. Yes, being a Doctor is cool.
Where do I sign up for years of poverty?.
Reply
"Is there a doctor in the room?"
"Is there even a room? Perhaps perception is a purely mental phenomenon, and 'room' no more than a construct of language. Can I even be sure any of you exist outside my own imagination, and further, does my own life lose meaning based on such solipsism? How can any of us . . . oh, he's died."
As far as PhDs in general go, I would not recommend trying to fund one yourself (As I did). You end up working to pay the fees more than working on the PhD itself. If you can get a research grant or something though, it's a brilliant way to put off nagging questions about what to do with your life for a few years.
Reply
Or I might buy a Phd over the internet.
Reply
Leave a comment