Too little too late
yikes...
I'm not sure what I should be writing, but I feel like I need to. please feel free to skip over the insanity.
this is fucking insane. I called it quits in a counselling session.... partly because I don't have the strength to live like this anymore, adn partly because I wanted to see if he'd even care.
guess what.
he doesn't.
He's a little akward around me, but it's almost as if, it's because now the rules to the relationship have changed, and he doesn't know what to do. He's so apathetic about the whole thing, that I'm wondering if he would have had any reaction if I would have just hopped into bed with him that night, and pretended like nothing was said.
He's the same. we're the same. nothing is better, or worse, or different, or anything. we just don't sleep in the same bed anymore, and I've moved upstairs into Kane's room with him.
I DON'T GET IT!!!
I don't understand how he can not CARE?!? how does this not affect him in the slightest? how can he dismiss 6 YEARS without batting an eye? Of all the times where I've felt alone, and completely worthless, and absolutely expendable in this relationship... this takes the cake. this is the epitome of crushing. I DEVASTATED me to end it. I hated doing it. I wished that I would have just kept my mouth shut... 3 seconds after we left the counsellors office.
and if anything, he seems relieved. relieved that he is finally free of being with me. relieved that he can finally go, adn be single again, relieved that he didn't have to be the one to end it, thus being the bad guy.
I feel so totally crushed.
you'd think that after having children with someone, and sharing hundreds of laughs, and making plans, and surviving hardships, and all of it... that they'd be a little bit sad to see you go. even if it was for the best. you'd think that they would be incapable of blowing you off completely. you'd think that there would be SOME attachment.
and there isn't. I moved all of my stuff out of our (his) room today, so I could move in with Kane. He said nothing. matter of fact, he made small-talk.
everyone would like to believe that if they told their partnerr that they wanted out of the relationship.... there would at least be a "please stay" or a "why?" or a HINT of dissapointment.
I hate myself for hanging on this long. I hate myself for allowing myself to believe that he cared at all. I wonder how long he's been this apathetic for, adn how long he's been with me... and pretended to be interested in staying. I wonder how long he's pretended to love me.
how the hell am I supposed to deal with this? how am I supposed to be OK with the fact that he has been humoring me?
that makes all of this even MORE hurtful.
I'm not sure what I should be writing, but I feel like I need to. please feel free to skip over the insanity.
this is fucking insane. I called it quits in a counselling session.... partly because I don't have the strength to live like this anymore, adn partly because I wanted to see if he'd even care.
guess what.
he doesn't.
He's a little akward around me, but it's almost as if, it's because now the rules to the relationship have changed, and he doesn't know what to do. He's so apathetic about the whole thing, that I'm wondering if he would have had any reaction if I would have just hopped into bed with him that night, and pretended like nothing was said.
He's the same. we're the same. nothing is better, or worse, or different, or anything. we just don't sleep in the same bed anymore, and I've moved upstairs into Kane's room with him.
I DON'T GET IT!!!
I don't understand how he can not CARE?!? how does this not affect him in the slightest? how can he dismiss 6 YEARS without batting an eye? Of all the times where I've felt alone, and completely worthless, and absolutely expendable in this relationship... this takes the cake. this is the epitome of crushing. I DEVASTATED me to end it. I hated doing it. I wished that I would have just kept my mouth shut... 3 seconds after we left the counsellors office.
and if anything, he seems relieved. relieved that he is finally free of being with me. relieved that he can finally go, adn be single again, relieved that he didn't have to be the one to end it, thus being the bad guy.
I feel so totally crushed.
you'd think that after having children with someone, and sharing hundreds of laughs, and making plans, and surviving hardships, and all of it... that they'd be a little bit sad to see you go. even if it was for the best. you'd think that they would be incapable of blowing you off completely. you'd think that there would be SOME attachment.
and there isn't. I moved all of my stuff out of our (his) room today, so I could move in with Kane. He said nothing. matter of fact, he made small-talk.
everyone would like to believe that if they told their partnerr that they wanted out of the relationship.... there would at least be a "please stay" or a "why?" or a HINT of dissapointment.
I hate myself for hanging on this long. I hate myself for allowing myself to believe that he cared at all. I wonder how long he's been this apathetic for, adn how long he's been with me... and pretended to be interested in staying. I wonder how long he's pretended to love me.
how the hell am I supposed to deal with this? how am I supposed to be OK with the fact that he has been humoring me?
that makes all of this even MORE hurtful.