Apathy and functionality
I know that I've been updating little, and commenting less.... and when I do update it is negative and depressing. My life has been demanding a lot of me lately, and I haven't had the energy to come up with anything positive.
I'm putting this behind a cut, because I need to get this out of my system, and I don't want to subject anyone to it, that isn't interested.
I am saddened by what my relationship has been reduced to. I'm not sure where it stands right now, or where it is going. I thnk that maybe, all of the times where I have been the one in search of a resolution of a fight, or where I have felt like I was pursuing a man that was too busy, or too blind to even see that I was pursuing him, have taken their toll on me.
Somewhere, I stopped caring.
How do you just stop caring? I haven't stopped loving him, I haven't stopped being physically attracted to him, I haven't stopped respecting him.... I just don't care. I don't care if I see him during the day, I don't care if he says hello to me, I don't care if I get a hug, or a thank you for anything, I am not even sure I care if he loves me or not.
This is where it makes no sense. How can I love someone, and not care if they love me back? How can I desire someone, and not care if he thinks I'm attractive? Have I just been longing for him for so long, waiting for him to care about me for so long, that I've found other ways to fulfill myself? Is this a case of a dollar short and a day late?
He confronted me about the silence between us last night. We haven't had a sense of normalcy in our relationship for about 2 months, and I guess it finally bothered him enough to bring it up with no help from me. He asked me what I wanted, and I couldn't tell him.
We have a very functional life, we work together well as a team. on the surface,everything is perfect. sad thing, is that there is nothing UNDER the surface. I'm very confused. We DID have a good relationship! I don't understand how it got lost.
It is similar to a beautiful stereo system, with all the bells and whistles.... and all of a sudden, one day, it just loses power. No explanation, it's plugged in, it just won't turn on.
I have no idea what to tell him. I don't want this relationship to continue like this, because it's pointless. I don't want it to end either, because I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him... he's a great guy! It's rediculous how completely apathetic I am, and how much I don't even want to talk to him about it. it makes NO SENSE!
For someone who is as passionate about EVERYTHING that I do, how can I just STOP CARING??
I want to run away.
I'm putting this behind a cut, because I need to get this out of my system, and I don't want to subject anyone to it, that isn't interested.
I am saddened by what my relationship has been reduced to. I'm not sure where it stands right now, or where it is going. I thnk that maybe, all of the times where I have been the one in search of a resolution of a fight, or where I have felt like I was pursuing a man that was too busy, or too blind to even see that I was pursuing him, have taken their toll on me.
Somewhere, I stopped caring.
How do you just stop caring? I haven't stopped loving him, I haven't stopped being physically attracted to him, I haven't stopped respecting him.... I just don't care. I don't care if I see him during the day, I don't care if he says hello to me, I don't care if I get a hug, or a thank you for anything, I am not even sure I care if he loves me or not.
This is where it makes no sense. How can I love someone, and not care if they love me back? How can I desire someone, and not care if he thinks I'm attractive? Have I just been longing for him for so long, waiting for him to care about me for so long, that I've found other ways to fulfill myself? Is this a case of a dollar short and a day late?
He confronted me about the silence between us last night. We haven't had a sense of normalcy in our relationship for about 2 months, and I guess it finally bothered him enough to bring it up with no help from me. He asked me what I wanted, and I couldn't tell him.
We have a very functional life, we work together well as a team. on the surface,everything is perfect. sad thing, is that there is nothing UNDER the surface. I'm very confused. We DID have a good relationship! I don't understand how it got lost.
It is similar to a beautiful stereo system, with all the bells and whistles.... and all of a sudden, one day, it just loses power. No explanation, it's plugged in, it just won't turn on.
I have no idea what to tell him. I don't want this relationship to continue like this, because it's pointless. I don't want it to end either, because I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him... he's a great guy! It's rediculous how completely apathetic I am, and how much I don't even want to talk to him about it. it makes NO SENSE!
For someone who is as passionate about EVERYTHING that I do, how can I just STOP CARING??
I want to run away.