The feeling isnt welcome...............
Its amazing the amount of feelings and emotions we have but they are only fully appretiated when our bodies decide to throw them all at us at once. One moment you can feel as empty as a cardboard box at Chrismas and the next you can be filled with a roaring flood of emotion. But it's not always good. If it hardly ever happens to you then believe me, cherish these days of happy feeling while you still can. But its not new to me anymore because almost every day is the same. The day begins with a smile knowing that its another chance to do new things and meet new people or just to spend time with the people you already know and love. I go out, meet up with friends..mostly the americans at the moment, and enjoy chats about life and God and all other matter of things. But the pain comes when I have to leave them. It's like all the happiness of knowing they are right by your side just drains away and you're left standing, staring at a bleak image of the grey world I tend to inhabit. They talk of spending 'family time' together but I'm never happy when I'm with my family. They just drain me even more with their snide comments about my personality. I remember the time when we were such a close family. Dad would take us out places and we would have BBQ's and sit down in the evening and talk and play and Dad used to help me with my guitar practice. But over the years I've grown apart from the others. Dad is always working, mum is always busy with housework or college work and we have to do homework in the evenings. My older sister goes out on nights and my little sister sits in her room alone playing with her dolls or singing to herself and the house feels so empty just like my insides and I feel so alone. But I'm not allowed to go out. In fact the closest thing I have to the outside world is my radio because no one wants to talk on the phone or text or come over. I sit here looking out the window, tears rolling down my face, watching the sunlight slowly fade and wishing I could be outside laying on the cool grass staring at the clear blue sky turning into a star-spotted ocean of blackness. I want nothing more than to be with my friends. Newer people like Jessy and Steph just sitting out there talking about love, life, the universe and everything. I dont want to be alone anymore and I know that in a way I'm not because some angels whose names need not be mentioned, took me by the hands and led me to God. But I dont know Him yet. He still feels like a friend of one of my friends. Like (sorry to use you so much in this Jess) one of the Bible College students that Jessy has described to me so much but whom I've never met. But I want to get to know Him. I want to be able to tell Him all my problems and talk to Him when I'm lonely and tired of the life I lead. The problem is, the best way I can think of to do that is to go to Bible College which is what I want to do so much but I can't until I'm at least 16 and even then I will have to fight for that privilage 'cause my Mum doesn't want me to go because she says it isn't a proper education and I dont get any useful qualifications from it, but surely a life that I'm happy with is the best 'qualification' I can possibly get?!? I guess right now I'm just confused and lonely and I need someone to love me and show me that they love me and to be there to talk to when I need them. My friends are lucky. They have older sisters that they are so close to that they are best friends but I just fight with my sisters all the time. I guess I have one great sister but she isn't even blood related as far as I know and I don't see her as much as I would like. She knows who she is so ,once again, no names mentioned.
Well I guess I better go and sit in my room with my guitar writing songs for people who will probably never hear them. One last thing I must say though is that if I ever tell you I love you it means so much more than that. It means I would do anything for you. I would die for you. And it means I love you more than I love the world and more than I love my own living soul. Because you guys are what make my world go round and are the people keeping me sane.
Love you guys
xoxoxoxoxoxox
Well I guess I better go and sit in my room with my guitar writing songs for people who will probably never hear them. One last thing I must say though is that if I ever tell you I love you it means so much more than that. It means I would do anything for you. I would die for you. And it means I love you more than I love the world and more than I love my own living soul. Because you guys are what make my world go round and are the people keeping me sane.
Love you guys
xoxoxoxoxoxox