Haven't been here in a while....
Hey there everyone!
So I guess it's been a VERY long time sense I was here.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on a Health Project.
BUT!I am distracted.I can't get my mind off of what I did today.
And I can't figure out this whole God thing. I mean, I've always been a Christian,
and I've always known God is there,But for some reason,it seems like I don't know God.And It's probably becuase I don't talk to him.But I mean I read the Bible every night.
I try to get myself motivated.But I just can't! And it bugs me cuz Alan has been talking about faith alot lately. And it turns out, I don't have any. I don't lay my burdens down.
I sing the worship songs, But I only mean them right then when I sing them. It doesn't matter if it is my favorite song, or just some really awsome worship song. I only mean them when I sing them, and I only sing them becuase I guess I feel I have to. I mean, my Dad leads worhsip, I have that "gifting" I guess, or well people tend to think so, but I don't know! I don't know if they are right or not! I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life! And I have never actually "let that down" to God! It just seems like He's so distant, but always working. Like I know He's there, and I know He's watching over me, and I know He has a plan for me, but I don't know why I know that. I know it's in the Bible, I know that it's true for so many other people, but I've never had one of those life shattering expierinces with God. He's never really been real. He's been there, He's be true, He' never let me down. I might have thought He did, but He never has. It's just that I don't have a church, I'm to wussy to tell Alan that CCOR isn't right for me, and I'm to scared to admit it becuase I don't know where else I would go. Alan is going there, he feels like thats the church for him, and I don't! But I can't go somewhere by myself. And I can't go back where I've been. I don't know if I'm supposed to be back at BCF. I don't know what I should be doing. I know that one of these weeks I'm just gonna go with Ryan to go see BCF just to see if thats where I should be. But I don't know! I mean, how am I supposed to know. I've always been really good at finding what I shouldn't be doing, it's just what I should be doing that is the hard part. What SHOULD I be doing? And what WILL I be doing?! And even more, what AM I doing? I've totally and completely given up to Alan. I've become attached. And I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't work out. And that scares me too. I mean, what am I going to do?! Ugh. THis is a really great way to get back to LJ. Lets whine and sniffle alot and hope that someone is bored enough to read this. And even if they aren't, atleast ya got it outa your system Mariah. GO to bed you idiot.
So I guess it's been a VERY long time sense I was here.
Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on a Health Project.
BUT!I am distracted.I can't get my mind off of what I did today.
And I can't figure out this whole God thing. I mean, I've always been a Christian,
and I've always known God is there,But for some reason,it seems like I don't know God.And It's probably becuase I don't talk to him.But I mean I read the Bible every night.
I try to get myself motivated.But I just can't! And it bugs me cuz Alan has been talking about faith alot lately. And it turns out, I don't have any. I don't lay my burdens down.
I sing the worship songs, But I only mean them right then when I sing them. It doesn't matter if it is my favorite song, or just some really awsome worship song. I only mean them when I sing them, and I only sing them becuase I guess I feel I have to. I mean, my Dad leads worhsip, I have that "gifting" I guess, or well people tend to think so, but I don't know! I don't know if they are right or not! I don't know what I am going to do with the rest of my life! And I have never actually "let that down" to God! It just seems like He's so distant, but always working. Like I know He's there, and I know He's watching over me, and I know He has a plan for me, but I don't know why I know that. I know it's in the Bible, I know that it's true for so many other people, but I've never had one of those life shattering expierinces with God. He's never really been real. He's been there, He's be true, He' never let me down. I might have thought He did, but He never has. It's just that I don't have a church, I'm to wussy to tell Alan that CCOR isn't right for me, and I'm to scared to admit it becuase I don't know where else I would go. Alan is going there, he feels like thats the church for him, and I don't! But I can't go somewhere by myself. And I can't go back where I've been. I don't know if I'm supposed to be back at BCF. I don't know what I should be doing. I know that one of these weeks I'm just gonna go with Ryan to go see BCF just to see if thats where I should be. But I don't know! I mean, how am I supposed to know. I've always been really good at finding what I shouldn't be doing, it's just what I should be doing that is the hard part. What SHOULD I be doing? And what WILL I be doing?! And even more, what AM I doing? I've totally and completely given up to Alan. I've become attached. And I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't work out. And that scares me too. I mean, what am I going to do?! Ugh. THis is a really great way to get back to LJ. Lets whine and sniffle alot and hope that someone is bored enough to read this. And even if they aren't, atleast ya got it outa your system Mariah. GO to bed you idiot.