May 29, 2006 18:51
Why does my life always have to go the exact opposite as I plan? It's some cruel trick I've been used to for the past 18.5 years or so. I'm just...drained I guess. So much has happened in the past year, everything's been a blur. Well, not much of a blur as the greatest memories of mi vida, but a blur nonetheless.
My mom's always believed that if you have enough material possessions, it's enough to make you happy and keep your mouth shut. Those things never appealed to me. Anyone who knows me knows I prefer hugs to gifts, social gatherings to shopping, and just being in the company of people makes me tickled pink. So now...as I was just used to getting my life on track, it throws me another curve and I end up de-railing myself; landing in the dust once again. I can't win. I want to keep the life I have. I know it can be so much better, but the people involved in my life are unforgettable. I still don't know how to cope with this. Over the weekend as I was packing up my stuff, I couldn't help but look once more around my room and realize that I'm leaving my childhood behind. It was some symbology that got me so overwhelmed I couldn't help but cry right there. Sometimes all you can do is just cry. I'm leaving the house I've lived in for over 14 years. I leave my friends, my memories, my neighborhood, and my boyfriend. What's not to be sad about?
I know it's not over, and it's not going to be forever that I'll be away, but studying the patterns my life has progressed, sometimes you can just predict where it will end up. I reassure Kyle that things will work out, yet I hear in his voice a hint of sheer disappointment and skepticism that things will be the same. It's hard to be strong in a time when you're life is going whether you like it or not. I feel like I'm standing still and everything around me is in fast-forward. It's good to have change once in a while, but when I can't control the bad things in life, I fall apart.
This move isn't necessarily a "bad" thing. In fact, it's more of a good thing in many ways. On my part, it is a very bad thing how my life coincidentally throws me a bad hand everytime a window of opportunity arises. I do trust that Kyle and I will try our hardest to stay together, and that somehow we'll work it out. Today I was pondering that I have bad luck only because I expect it to. It's difficult to see the bright side of things when things necessarily don't go your way. I need a paradigm shift.
I can't bring myself to pack up my things. Ironically, the one thing I've always wanted to do was move far away from Hudson and everyone in it. And now I'm writing this entry exclaiming that it caught me off guard that I was moving so fast, and how I could ever manage without Hudson and the people I love. In a sense, everything that I've always wanted I've gotten. But always at the wrong time. Beggars can't be choosers, right?
I wish I could take him with me. Or that somehow it's 10 years from now, we're both well off, independent and together and our lives are right where they should be. But I can't control how that will end up. I have to focus on the here and now but keep the end in mind. Does that make sense? I have a lot on my mind. I can't organize or make logical decisions in an orderly fashion. At the present moment, my voice is an incoherent mumble of grunts and sighs, directed by a jumbled train of thoughts and tangled solutions. I feel like my 10th grade self, always cynical about the world and my disposition on life. That's definitely where I don't want to be again, but there's some sort of strange comfort to sinking back into old habits. Not a path I want to take, no matter how comforting and familiar it is.
You don't have to read this. I didn't expect you to read this far, nor do I expect you to say anything back. I know I'll figure it out. I need time to think before I make my next move. Trust that I'll work everything out. Eventually I will.
Eventually.
*Kristen*