Teacha! Teacha!
It's been a long week. A long two weeks? When was the last time I wrote something? I know I've already complained about my busy schedule, but I want to mention it again because I'm just that exhausted by it. In the month of October I have a total of 4 days off. I counted. One was an accident. I should have had only 3. I've pulled five 16-hour days so far this month. (Up at 6AM, leave by 7AM, working in the 8 o'clock hour at elementary/middle school, out mid-afternoon, dinner and lesson prep late afternoon, 7PM-10PM lessons, home at 11PM, bed by midnight.) They're killer, let me tell you. But a day like that nets me 18,000 yen before tax. I'm going to cut Sundays starting in November and probably change my 16 hour day to a 15 hour day come December, but there's nothing I can do now but work. I've made my bed and now I must lay in it. If I'm to make enough money to just barely cover the fees for my own new apartment come January and manage to pay the rent while I'm in the US in March, I have no choice. I have no one to rely on but myself. Not to mention living alone again will mean buying new appliances and furniture. At least I have a bed, shelf, and table. Likely all I'll need is a stove, fridge, microwave, dishware, silverware, and perhaps a chest of drawers or something along those lines. Money, money, money. I always seem to talk about work and financial planning in this journal these days.
It seems most of what I'll have been making at the second job will be spent on the new job. Dry cleaning and transportation budgets have skyrocketed. By that I mean that before this I'd brought my own things to be dry cleaned and paid my own money for the service like once in my life before now. And, now, I'll have to do it every other week or so. It's almost like I'm a responsible adult or something. What the hell is that about?? Also with the transportation... Last month my PASMO charges totaled like 19,000 yen. This month so far they're already at 15,000 yen with 13 days left in the month. Can you tell I was working on my budget before I started writing this?
I haven't had time to study in ages. The same goes for watch anything with a plot. Usually getting lost in a work of fiction is how I relax and let go of my life for long enough that the stress can melt away and doesn't matter anymore. In about three weeks I've watched maybe a horror film and read like 3 chapters in a book. I'm twitching with need for a good story. And, the guilt about not studying is being laid on pretty thick by my conscience. I teach basically every level and age of language student and yet can't find time for myself to study. It feels hypocritical. Just a bit. More than that, I'm depressed because the JLPT is coming up in 48 days. I just can't figure out when I'm going to find the time to beef up my vocabulary and kanji knowledge enough to even pass the relatively easy N3. Also, Omar asked my help in rounding out his basic knowledge so that he could take the N5. With 4 jobs between the 2 of us I've managed to give him all of maybe two lessons to fill in the gaps. With his own exhaustion I think he's made it through maybe one or two hundred of the 700 beginner vocabulary, even.
Don't get me wrong, though. There isn't a sense of hopelessness here like it sounds as though I might have. With the exception of one rather painful conversation and one rather stressful night, I have been able to find a lot of solace in Omar. His addiction to text messages keeps me company on long work days. And, when I'm actually around him, you'd be surprise how cathartic is is to lean against the muscular chest of a tall guy with a high body temperature. I turn into a kitten in this guy's arms, basically. Also, spending so much time around tweens as ALTs we've sort of taken to acting like them. And, for the most part, this is quite amusing. Take this: Last night he walked me to the station from his place and... Well, that's misleading. Actually, I biked and he took his skateboard. How about that visual? This weekend was the Hatogaya community fall festival. (Like Gladfest, only Japanese.) And the area around the station was clogged with food stands, game stalls, and the like. We wandered and snacked like teenagers on a sweet little date. Add this to the time I rode on the back of his bike to the grocery store. The texting probably also qualifies, come to think of it.
Oh, speaking of teenagers and dates... I was spotted last week. I never in a million years thought it would happen. I work in elementary and middle schools. I figured the kids were young enough they wouldn't venture that far from home that late and would never see me at home or out on the town. Nope. Turns out that about 2 weeks ago the soccer team from one of my middle schools had an away game. They took the trains as a group to get there and on the way back stopped in Ikebukuro to hang out. That just so happened to be the same place and evening that I met Omar for dinner. And, naturally, the soccer team spotted me. The entire team. There was a debate about whether it was REALLY Caitlin-sensei. But, I came to that school the following Monday and the kids were sure to ask their English teacher if she knew if their ALT was in Ikebukuro that night. I figured that they must have seen me just standing in the station waiting. Nope. One asked me, “Were you on a date?” Oh boy. I laughed so hard. But, figured at first the kids must be guessing. So, I quizzed the kid who correctly identified me. Asked him if I was with some one that day. He said yes. Asked him what this person looked like. He gestured for tall and then, with a smirk on is 12 year old face said, “Muscles.” True that, child. True that. The teacher actually worked it into the lesson. “Saturday” was even a vocab word. I was amused.
But we're both such commitment-o-phobes that I can't help but laugh. For every couple of knowing, happy smiles we give each other over the course of a conversation, there seems to be one wide eyed look of panic. Almost everyone I know and almost everyone he knows has suggested we live together to save money. I've been with him for all of what? Seven weeks? Eight? I don't know where people keep getting this from. Aren't people supposed to be discouraging such behavior? I mostly shrug it off. But, every time it's mentioned Omar's eyes glaze over. I don't mean to laugh at his pain, but I generally do. Then again, I have the same response to telling family members about each other. He said he'd mentioned to his mother during a typical phone call that he'd met someone and my mind went blank for a good solid five minutes. From his account he didn't even say anything more than, “There's this girl I met. I rather like her.” Similarly, was on Skype with my sister while Omar was in the room, occasionally joining in the conversation. Then, my sibling took her phone downstairs into the room where my parents were. My mother said hello to me and I had to resist the urge not to jump over and just cover Omar's mouth for fear they'd hear him speak and ask who he was. I don't get it. I like this guy. I have quite a high opinion of this guy. I've told my sister I'm with someone. Akane and Hotaru even know some of the more intimate details. But the prospect of even telling my parents that I've been on even a single date with someone scares the shit out of me. I suppose that's also why I've not mentioned anything on Facebook, either.
I say I don't know why I do that, but I have an idea. As it stands, if Omar left me tomorrow, I'd still treasure the time I had with him. I can say that honestly. I rather hope he doesn't, but I know everything in mortal life ends eventually. But if he left me tomorrow and I had told my mother (and by proxy every human with any relation to me at all) anything at all about him? I'd be racked with shame. I'd have to explain myself. And, explain myself likely multiple times to people who I'm pretty sure already look down on me. It's weakness, I know. But, I've just... My parents are people apart from me. My entire family is like that. I am me, and they raised me, but we are not friends. We share relevant information and polite small talk. I remember thinking as a child and tween, before I gave up the idea of being a typical social human, that should I ever find myself in a relationship, I wouldn't tell them until it was absolutely unavoidable. For instance, child-me figured if hell froze over and I married someone, I might tell my parents that detail. Eventually. In a card, or something. My relationship with my parents isn't as bad as it once was, but even my little sibling agreed that silence is best. “I don't tell them about my private life!” She said. Maybe I just don't know what it's like to be in a family.
November is looking a lot nicer for me, though still pretty rough. I have a total of 7 days off instead of 4. Most of those are clustered at the end of the month, though. I may die. Will you miss me, LiveJournal? At least I will have died living where I always wanted to in pursuit of some lofty goals.
It seems most of what I'll have been making at the second job will be spent on the new job. Dry cleaning and transportation budgets have skyrocketed. By that I mean that before this I'd brought my own things to be dry cleaned and paid my own money for the service like once in my life before now. And, now, I'll have to do it every other week or so. It's almost like I'm a responsible adult or something. What the hell is that about?? Also with the transportation... Last month my PASMO charges totaled like 19,000 yen. This month so far they're already at 15,000 yen with 13 days left in the month. Can you tell I was working on my budget before I started writing this?
I haven't had time to study in ages. The same goes for watch anything with a plot. Usually getting lost in a work of fiction is how I relax and let go of my life for long enough that the stress can melt away and doesn't matter anymore. In about three weeks I've watched maybe a horror film and read like 3 chapters in a book. I'm twitching with need for a good story. And, the guilt about not studying is being laid on pretty thick by my conscience. I teach basically every level and age of language student and yet can't find time for myself to study. It feels hypocritical. Just a bit. More than that, I'm depressed because the JLPT is coming up in 48 days. I just can't figure out when I'm going to find the time to beef up my vocabulary and kanji knowledge enough to even pass the relatively easy N3. Also, Omar asked my help in rounding out his basic knowledge so that he could take the N5. With 4 jobs between the 2 of us I've managed to give him all of maybe two lessons to fill in the gaps. With his own exhaustion I think he's made it through maybe one or two hundred of the 700 beginner vocabulary, even.
Don't get me wrong, though. There isn't a sense of hopelessness here like it sounds as though I might have. With the exception of one rather painful conversation and one rather stressful night, I have been able to find a lot of solace in Omar. His addiction to text messages keeps me company on long work days. And, when I'm actually around him, you'd be surprise how cathartic is is to lean against the muscular chest of a tall guy with a high body temperature. I turn into a kitten in this guy's arms, basically. Also, spending so much time around tweens as ALTs we've sort of taken to acting like them. And, for the most part, this is quite amusing. Take this: Last night he walked me to the station from his place and... Well, that's misleading. Actually, I biked and he took his skateboard. How about that visual? This weekend was the Hatogaya community fall festival. (Like Gladfest, only Japanese.) And the area around the station was clogged with food stands, game stalls, and the like. We wandered and snacked like teenagers on a sweet little date. Add this to the time I rode on the back of his bike to the grocery store. The texting probably also qualifies, come to think of it.
Oh, speaking of teenagers and dates... I was spotted last week. I never in a million years thought it would happen. I work in elementary and middle schools. I figured the kids were young enough they wouldn't venture that far from home that late and would never see me at home or out on the town. Nope. Turns out that about 2 weeks ago the soccer team from one of my middle schools had an away game. They took the trains as a group to get there and on the way back stopped in Ikebukuro to hang out. That just so happened to be the same place and evening that I met Omar for dinner. And, naturally, the soccer team spotted me. The entire team. There was a debate about whether it was REALLY Caitlin-sensei. But, I came to that school the following Monday and the kids were sure to ask their English teacher if she knew if their ALT was in Ikebukuro that night. I figured that they must have seen me just standing in the station waiting. Nope. One asked me, “Were you on a date?” Oh boy. I laughed so hard. But, figured at first the kids must be guessing. So, I quizzed the kid who correctly identified me. Asked him if I was with some one that day. He said yes. Asked him what this person looked like. He gestured for tall and then, with a smirk on is 12 year old face said, “Muscles.” True that, child. True that. The teacher actually worked it into the lesson. “Saturday” was even a vocab word. I was amused.
But we're both such commitment-o-phobes that I can't help but laugh. For every couple of knowing, happy smiles we give each other over the course of a conversation, there seems to be one wide eyed look of panic. Almost everyone I know and almost everyone he knows has suggested we live together to save money. I've been with him for all of what? Seven weeks? Eight? I don't know where people keep getting this from. Aren't people supposed to be discouraging such behavior? I mostly shrug it off. But, every time it's mentioned Omar's eyes glaze over. I don't mean to laugh at his pain, but I generally do. Then again, I have the same response to telling family members about each other. He said he'd mentioned to his mother during a typical phone call that he'd met someone and my mind went blank for a good solid five minutes. From his account he didn't even say anything more than, “There's this girl I met. I rather like her.” Similarly, was on Skype with my sister while Omar was in the room, occasionally joining in the conversation. Then, my sibling took her phone downstairs into the room where my parents were. My mother said hello to me and I had to resist the urge not to jump over and just cover Omar's mouth for fear they'd hear him speak and ask who he was. I don't get it. I like this guy. I have quite a high opinion of this guy. I've told my sister I'm with someone. Akane and Hotaru even know some of the more intimate details. But the prospect of even telling my parents that I've been on even a single date with someone scares the shit out of me. I suppose that's also why I've not mentioned anything on Facebook, either.
I say I don't know why I do that, but I have an idea. As it stands, if Omar left me tomorrow, I'd still treasure the time I had with him. I can say that honestly. I rather hope he doesn't, but I know everything in mortal life ends eventually. But if he left me tomorrow and I had told my mother (and by proxy every human with any relation to me at all) anything at all about him? I'd be racked with shame. I'd have to explain myself. And, explain myself likely multiple times to people who I'm pretty sure already look down on me. It's weakness, I know. But, I've just... My parents are people apart from me. My entire family is like that. I am me, and they raised me, but we are not friends. We share relevant information and polite small talk. I remember thinking as a child and tween, before I gave up the idea of being a typical social human, that should I ever find myself in a relationship, I wouldn't tell them until it was absolutely unavoidable. For instance, child-me figured if hell froze over and I married someone, I might tell my parents that detail. Eventually. In a card, or something. My relationship with my parents isn't as bad as it once was, but even my little sibling agreed that silence is best. “I don't tell them about my private life!” She said. Maybe I just don't know what it's like to be in a family.
November is looking a lot nicer for me, though still pretty rough. I have a total of 7 days off instead of 4. Most of those are clustered at the end of the month, though. I may die. Will you miss me, LiveJournal? At least I will have died living where I always wanted to in pursuit of some lofty goals.