*sigh* beware the angst-ridden rantage of watashi....
well, i had a breakdown yesterday. good thing no-one was with me, at least to my knowledge. i was sitting in my room, letting things try to get sorted in my mind, and i just sorta broke. it was ridiculous; i felt so weak, and lost and alone... i was actually trying to do that 'strong man, don't cry' shit so my sis wouldn't come in and be like 'what
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I'm not better off. My mind can trick me into actually seeing and feeling Jin. As if I like torturing myself. And I often fantasize that I'm sitting on the edge of the fountian at the Barns and Noble, and I feel this gentle autumn breeze and suddenely I'm flyin with Jin, off to where I feel like I belong. Its wrong, and could never happen, but I feel like it is meant to be...
And you're right - you can't express how you feel. It's risky and almost impossible to do so in words. Risky because misinterpretation makes the world go 'round, and that they may not love you. Which is the worst feeling in the world.
Personally, I think your sister is right - when someone moves on while you still love them. Its happened to me before, and it might again. (But, in order to make sure this is just about me, I'll stop there.)
I don't know exactly what you think when you think of Hiei, but when I Jin I feel like a part of me is missing...an important part that I can't live long without. It makes my heart wrench, but I can't NOT think about him.
Don't kill me for the next part, but I feel that it must be said.
I'm not entirely sure that you truly, truly, love Hiei. But then again, theres no way I could possibly do so, because love has many shapes and forms. But, if I interperate this in a specific way, it seems to me that you long for someone like Hiei. Not quite, but damn close. Because you know you can't have him (apparently), you are more drawn to him. This happens quite alot, along with "conditioned love", which is thinking that you love someone after hearing many, many, times that they love you. You begin to forget their faults, and you think that they are perfect.
But they may not be.
I'm not trying to talk you out of loving Hiei, because its not my place to do so. I just want you to be aware that you can love more than one person romantically at a time. It may not be viewed as moral, but it is a logical course of action. I have taught myself to do so.
Don't let loving Hiei restrict you from loving someone here, in this dimension. What Anna said is wrong - not all men are assholes. Most ARE nice, funny, and caring - but doubting them will spell your doom. And be careful...
If you don't open your eyes to what's around you, you may lose the very love that you are searching for.
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