So....
It's been a really long time since I've written...I sort of forgot about livejournal. But there is so much that is going on right now that I don't really know where to begin. So much inside my head, at least.
For starters, I really think I'm depressed. I mean, I lapse in and out of it, but sometimes it hits me real hard. Days like today, where I don't know what to make of it. There are so many things I miss...and so many things I'm not looking forward to. And the things that I do look forward to don't come to fruition in the end. So there I am - left disappointed and disheartened, with no readily available solution. Part of me fears that there is something that happens as you become more and more involved in adult life; that you just realize there are no real solutions anymore. Eitherway, each decision you make, you are going to have a negative affect in some aspect of your life or someone else's. And this COMPLETELY SUCKS. I have always been the kind of person to be careful about "treading on other's toes" and always making decisions based on the affect they would have on others. But somewhere along the line, I think I lost respect for people so much so that I don't even really care anymore - outwardly that is. If there are things I need to do, I do them. I do them so that I can be happy. But in the end, I'm not really happy, not happy at all. I just don't think I can be content and happy knowing that in order to get to that point, I've had to squash other people out of my life in some way, whether its a physical detachment or choosing to put the words they've said to me in the back of my mind. But it's so hard keeping them there...
I think the main reason why I'm writing this entry is because I feel I have no outlet for the situation I'm about to explain. I want to put all of my thoughts into words and see these words written before me as a completed piece before presenting my ideas to others and failing miserably. So currently, I'm still upset about the events that took place last night. Yesterday was my and Andrew's 5th anniversary of being together, which is quite a long time for me. The whole day I was excited, because we had made plans that night to have dinner after Andrew got off work. Office Max closed at 7pm, so he said that between 7:30and 8pm he would be home. So I get to his house a little before 8pm. The whole ride there I was a bit leary, because I was driving my friend's car to his house and it was raining really hard. My friend left for the airport Sat. morning and left her bf's car at my house, but we had agreed to keep it in Andrew's garage until they came back this thursday. We were all supposed to sleep at Andrew's Friday night/Saturday morning, but then his parents came back from Iowa that night, so me Alex and Brandon ended up sleeping at my house, which is why the car was here. At any rate, I was just supposed to meet Andrew at his house since he was going to be a bit later and so then we wouldn't have to delay dinner. So me being the paranoid person that I am, I drove very slowly and carefully to Andrew's house because I didn't want to screw up my friend's car. Thankfully, I got to his house ok with no damage to the car whatosever. But Andrew wasn't there. Mind you, I hadn't had my phone with me all day because I left it in his car the night before, so there was no way for him to really contact me or text me, unless he wanted to call his house phone. So I get in the house, dily-dally for a while, play his family's piano for a bit, and still no Andrew. At this point, it was 8:30, and I hadn't heard from him. Finally, the house phone rings and I pick up and it's Andrew. I was clearly upset on the phone, and he said a half-assed sorry, and said he would be home in 5-10 minutes. Yet, he didn't get home unitl almost 20 minutes after that.
Ok, so all of that doesn't sound too bad, does it? But let's take into account some things. Andrew has a history of cheating on his girlfriends. I know this because he cheated on his last girlfriend with me - which is completely another story. So it already doesn't do well that he couldn't really get a hold of me because I was phoneless and that he was casting suspicions by being late didn't help. Also, this was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary dinner, and he was late. Plus, the store closed at 7pm, and he didn't get home until 8:45ish. I mean, an 1hr and 45 min later! And of all days to be that late, it's our anniversary. Along with the fact that he never stays that late at work, maybe an hour at the most. Also, when he called at 8:30, he said he was trying to call me a lot, even though the whole time I was at his house, he only called once within a half hour. I'm sorry, but last time I checked that's not really a lot. So I honestly couldn't believe that he was really at work that long, part of me really started to believe that he was somewhere else, especially because of his history and not being able to contact him and him never staying at office max that late. What makes this even more aggrivating is that he ALWAYS stays at work late and everyone doesn't really give a shit. Supposedly everyone else stayed too, and that yesterday they made the most money they ever did, so they had to clean up all the isles and everything and that's why he was late. But I couldn't help feeling so defeated, so worthless, that he chose his job over me. On top of everything, I don't really like eating late because of my digestive problems, and he knows that, so that irks me even more.
I guess the bottom of all this is that I feel like my whole relationship with Andrew has been like this...a lot of buildup, some good things, and then a huge let down. I feel like we cover the same tracks all the time, that everytime we take a few steps forward, we take that many and more backward. And I just feel like he doesn't see it. It's just he gets most of the big things right, but everything else, all of the details he gets all wrong. At least he had the decency to buy me flowers yesterday - roses, my favorite - 5 for each month that we've been dating. But normally it can be such a pain dealing with him. I constantly feel like his mother. He doesn't take care of himself, eats crappy food at any chance he can get, always forgets things, and doesn't really give a shit about his health. And I'm always the one trying to get him to actually care. He has headaches at least 5 times a week, and constantly forgets to take anything before he leaves his house and also forgets to bring pills in the car with him, even though he has 4 bottles of ibuprofen in his house. His back bothers him just as much and yet he constantly falls asleep in really bad positions, like on the recliner or awkwardly on the couch. He has a skin condition on his left foot too that he should be taking pills for but doesn't. It's just I care so much but I'm so tired of him not giving a shit, I can't stand it. And there are other things...he's just a slob in general. He leaves his clothes sprawled all over the house, doesn't do dishes for a week, doesn't clean when he says he's going to. Earlier in the summer he didn't put the garbage out for three weeks straight because he "forgot". Finally on the third week I think his brother was home from Iowa and reminded him or something.
These things can all be overlooked - in the end it really matters how he treats me and that he cares about me - which both of those areas I really can't complain, except for night when last night happen. And then I question everything, wonder if I'm even meant to be in this relationship or not. Whether or not all of this sacrifice on my part - my time, disapproval from my parents, seeing my friends less, less time for hobbies and school - are really worth it. I just feel like I bend over backwards always, staying over when he wants me to even though I shouldn't, having to deal with his various work schedules which only allows us to see each other at odd times, him not understand when I just need me time or when I just want him to give me so much love that I can't breathe. This summer has been hell, and part of me thinks that all these things contribute. This goes along with the fact that both of us have very different interests, and I always feel like I'm compromising for him or that he's compromising for me. And then there's the fact that I'm a completely emotional person, and that he always comforts me and lets me cry on his shoulder, but he barely shows his emotions and when he does I'm so overwhelmed because they've been bottled up so much inside of him that they're really serious. And when he's upset there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, which makes me feel even worse because I feel like a failure and I know the whole rest of the day he's upset and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. And then there's the fact that my parents don't want me to be with him and that they constantly make me feel guilty for doing so, and living at home makes everything so much worse.
The only thing that I can see being a saving grace for any of this is me starting school. I move in in two days. Then I won't have to deal with my parents, and when classes start, I won't be so worried about Andrew and when we're going to get to see each other and if/when we do if there will be a stupid argument. But what then? Are we just going to drift away from each other? Is this relationship going to tax me even more because I'll have school added on top of it? Will we realize that we can only be friends? Or will we stay the same? Or will things get better somehow? I can't know for sure. Part of me really wants to hang on...because this is the best relationship I've been in and I don't want to give up a good thing, but part of me is wondering how long to wait before things start to get better. Until then, I'm pretty sure I'll be a wreck, which makes me literally incapable of doing anything productive. And another thing I feel is that there is this gap between us, due to our ages, that I'm still in school and all he does is work. It just puts a strain on things because I have a lot of things going on and he doesn't, and I don't know how to work that out. Part of me feels like I need to see a therapist or something...there are just times when I can't calm myself. The only thing that will calm me is Andrew, even though he is partly the reason why I'm aggrivated in the first place. Does any of this make any sense at all?? Cuz I don't know what to make of it. I'm crying as I write this because I'm just at such a loss. I just want to move in already and see if that helps things.
So lots for a new entry after over a year of not writing....later
For starters, I really think I'm depressed. I mean, I lapse in and out of it, but sometimes it hits me real hard. Days like today, where I don't know what to make of it. There are so many things I miss...and so many things I'm not looking forward to. And the things that I do look forward to don't come to fruition in the end. So there I am - left disappointed and disheartened, with no readily available solution. Part of me fears that there is something that happens as you become more and more involved in adult life; that you just realize there are no real solutions anymore. Eitherway, each decision you make, you are going to have a negative affect in some aspect of your life or someone else's. And this COMPLETELY SUCKS. I have always been the kind of person to be careful about "treading on other's toes" and always making decisions based on the affect they would have on others. But somewhere along the line, I think I lost respect for people so much so that I don't even really care anymore - outwardly that is. If there are things I need to do, I do them. I do them so that I can be happy. But in the end, I'm not really happy, not happy at all. I just don't think I can be content and happy knowing that in order to get to that point, I've had to squash other people out of my life in some way, whether its a physical detachment or choosing to put the words they've said to me in the back of my mind. But it's so hard keeping them there...
I think the main reason why I'm writing this entry is because I feel I have no outlet for the situation I'm about to explain. I want to put all of my thoughts into words and see these words written before me as a completed piece before presenting my ideas to others and failing miserably. So currently, I'm still upset about the events that took place last night. Yesterday was my and Andrew's 5th anniversary of being together, which is quite a long time for me. The whole day I was excited, because we had made plans that night to have dinner after Andrew got off work. Office Max closed at 7pm, so he said that between 7:30and 8pm he would be home. So I get to his house a little before 8pm. The whole ride there I was a bit leary, because I was driving my friend's car to his house and it was raining really hard. My friend left for the airport Sat. morning and left her bf's car at my house, but we had agreed to keep it in Andrew's garage until they came back this thursday. We were all supposed to sleep at Andrew's Friday night/Saturday morning, but then his parents came back from Iowa that night, so me Alex and Brandon ended up sleeping at my house, which is why the car was here. At any rate, I was just supposed to meet Andrew at his house since he was going to be a bit later and so then we wouldn't have to delay dinner. So me being the paranoid person that I am, I drove very slowly and carefully to Andrew's house because I didn't want to screw up my friend's car. Thankfully, I got to his house ok with no damage to the car whatosever. But Andrew wasn't there. Mind you, I hadn't had my phone with me all day because I left it in his car the night before, so there was no way for him to really contact me or text me, unless he wanted to call his house phone. So I get in the house, dily-dally for a while, play his family's piano for a bit, and still no Andrew. At this point, it was 8:30, and I hadn't heard from him. Finally, the house phone rings and I pick up and it's Andrew. I was clearly upset on the phone, and he said a half-assed sorry, and said he would be home in 5-10 minutes. Yet, he didn't get home unitl almost 20 minutes after that.
Ok, so all of that doesn't sound too bad, does it? But let's take into account some things. Andrew has a history of cheating on his girlfriends. I know this because he cheated on his last girlfriend with me - which is completely another story. So it already doesn't do well that he couldn't really get a hold of me because I was phoneless and that he was casting suspicions by being late didn't help. Also, this was supposed to be our 5 month anniversary dinner, and he was late. Plus, the store closed at 7pm, and he didn't get home until 8:45ish. I mean, an 1hr and 45 min later! And of all days to be that late, it's our anniversary. Along with the fact that he never stays that late at work, maybe an hour at the most. Also, when he called at 8:30, he said he was trying to call me a lot, even though the whole time I was at his house, he only called once within a half hour. I'm sorry, but last time I checked that's not really a lot. So I honestly couldn't believe that he was really at work that long, part of me really started to believe that he was somewhere else, especially because of his history and not being able to contact him and him never staying at office max that late. What makes this even more aggrivating is that he ALWAYS stays at work late and everyone doesn't really give a shit. Supposedly everyone else stayed too, and that yesterday they made the most money they ever did, so they had to clean up all the isles and everything and that's why he was late. But I couldn't help feeling so defeated, so worthless, that he chose his job over me. On top of everything, I don't really like eating late because of my digestive problems, and he knows that, so that irks me even more.
I guess the bottom of all this is that I feel like my whole relationship with Andrew has been like this...a lot of buildup, some good things, and then a huge let down. I feel like we cover the same tracks all the time, that everytime we take a few steps forward, we take that many and more backward. And I just feel like he doesn't see it. It's just he gets most of the big things right, but everything else, all of the details he gets all wrong. At least he had the decency to buy me flowers yesterday - roses, my favorite - 5 for each month that we've been dating. But normally it can be such a pain dealing with him. I constantly feel like his mother. He doesn't take care of himself, eats crappy food at any chance he can get, always forgets things, and doesn't really give a shit about his health. And I'm always the one trying to get him to actually care. He has headaches at least 5 times a week, and constantly forgets to take anything before he leaves his house and also forgets to bring pills in the car with him, even though he has 4 bottles of ibuprofen in his house. His back bothers him just as much and yet he constantly falls asleep in really bad positions, like on the recliner or awkwardly on the couch. He has a skin condition on his left foot too that he should be taking pills for but doesn't. It's just I care so much but I'm so tired of him not giving a shit, I can't stand it. And there are other things...he's just a slob in general. He leaves his clothes sprawled all over the house, doesn't do dishes for a week, doesn't clean when he says he's going to. Earlier in the summer he didn't put the garbage out for three weeks straight because he "forgot". Finally on the third week I think his brother was home from Iowa and reminded him or something.
These things can all be overlooked - in the end it really matters how he treats me and that he cares about me - which both of those areas I really can't complain, except for night when last night happen. And then I question everything, wonder if I'm even meant to be in this relationship or not. Whether or not all of this sacrifice on my part - my time, disapproval from my parents, seeing my friends less, less time for hobbies and school - are really worth it. I just feel like I bend over backwards always, staying over when he wants me to even though I shouldn't, having to deal with his various work schedules which only allows us to see each other at odd times, him not understand when I just need me time or when I just want him to give me so much love that I can't breathe. This summer has been hell, and part of me thinks that all these things contribute. This goes along with the fact that both of us have very different interests, and I always feel like I'm compromising for him or that he's compromising for me. And then there's the fact that I'm a completely emotional person, and that he always comforts me and lets me cry on his shoulder, but he barely shows his emotions and when he does I'm so overwhelmed because they've been bottled up so much inside of him that they're really serious. And when he's upset there's nothing I can do to make him feel better, which makes me feel even worse because I feel like a failure and I know the whole rest of the day he's upset and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. And then there's the fact that my parents don't want me to be with him and that they constantly make me feel guilty for doing so, and living at home makes everything so much worse.
The only thing that I can see being a saving grace for any of this is me starting school. I move in in two days. Then I won't have to deal with my parents, and when classes start, I won't be so worried about Andrew and when we're going to get to see each other and if/when we do if there will be a stupid argument. But what then? Are we just going to drift away from each other? Is this relationship going to tax me even more because I'll have school added on top of it? Will we realize that we can only be friends? Or will we stay the same? Or will things get better somehow? I can't know for sure. Part of me really wants to hang on...because this is the best relationship I've been in and I don't want to give up a good thing, but part of me is wondering how long to wait before things start to get better. Until then, I'm pretty sure I'll be a wreck, which makes me literally incapable of doing anything productive. And another thing I feel is that there is this gap between us, due to our ages, that I'm still in school and all he does is work. It just puts a strain on things because I have a lot of things going on and he doesn't, and I don't know how to work that out. Part of me feels like I need to see a therapist or something...there are just times when I can't calm myself. The only thing that will calm me is Andrew, even though he is partly the reason why I'm aggrivated in the first place. Does any of this make any sense at all?? Cuz I don't know what to make of it. I'm crying as I write this because I'm just at such a loss. I just want to move in already and see if that helps things.
So lots for a new entry after over a year of not writing....later