so i almost went to sleep...
...but there are all of these thoughts lingering in my head, preventing me from becoming tired enough to actually fall asleep.
For one, it's really weird, but the weather usually reflects my mood. Either that, or I take on a mood depeding on the weather -which could be true, but I have reason to believe it's the other way around.
Tonight is one of those times.
So it's storming outside. And I'm in a bad mood. Why? Because I got aggrivated. A sore spot was revisited - the days of grammar school. I was always made fun of, never liked, called "miss perfect", my ambitions were always laughed at, like I was some crazy person for wanting to actually DO my schoolwork in a way where I would understand it. And I'm not one of those people who can just do something because "that's how it's done". Sorry. That's jsut not me. I have to have some kind of grasp on the logic and reason behind things - what their purpose is - otherwise I cannot properly understand it. And maybe that sounds bizarre to people, but that's how I learn. Otherwise, if I don't know why things are the way they are, they don't mean as much to me. I can neither understand the concepts, nor appreciate them because I don't know where they came from, so they are basically useless. Now tonight's incident had to do with theory. I've realized that I've fallen VERY much behind where I need to be. I'm getting low D's in both of my theory classes, and I don't understand a thing of what is going on. I haven't been preparing for class as I should have, and there's a lot of catch-up of I need to do. So I attempted to start on that tonight by reading the most recent chapter and taking notes. Sure, sounds easy right? Except for the fact that every paragraph I read, I had no idea what was going on. My notes were basically direct sentences from the text. I couldn't paraphrase anything because I didn't understand it well enough to. And this frustrates me more than anything. When I try so hard to get something, and it's just not working. I was almost to the point of tears.
So while doing this, I was with friends. And I guess I was getting on their nerves, and whining a bit because I didn't understand it. Then I was getting made fun of for "taking things so seriously" and that I "needed to calm down". I HATE when people tell me that, like I can't control my own fucking emotions. I KNOW when I need to calm down or not. And this isn't something to be calm about. I'm getting fucking D's in these two classes, worth 4 credit hours, and I need to bring those up to B's to remain in the Honors program, otherwise I loose my scholarship of $9,000, and then I basically don't go to Roosevelt anymore. So yeah, it IS a big fucking deal and not something to be calm about. And they were trying to tell me that I just have to do it to do it, and CAN'T understand why things are the way they are because that's just how it has to be. I'm sorry, that doesn't fucking work for me. That's why I'm getting fucking D's in the first place! Obviously, the method of "you do this because this is how it's done" isn't very successful. And it's not like it was one comment. This went on for at least 20 minutes. And I was already on the point of tears for feeling like a complete failure because I couldn't do something as simple as understand the text. The last thing I needed was my learning methods attacked continuously and being talked to like a 5 year old "calm down ashley". WHAT THE FUCK. Why don't you think about what you're saying. Maybe instead of thinking of yourself, you could try to understand what I'm going through, and that this is hard. It's not my fault you're in a theory level above me. Big deal. All I need is help, explanations, and support. It was clear I was unhappy. And then to be picked apart like I have no feelings? That hurt a lot. It just felt like 6th grade all over again.
That's another thing. The fucking book is bullshit. It doesn't explain things NEARLY as well as it should. The minimal examples aren't very helpful and the definitions are wordy and complicated. How the fuck are people supposed to understand this stuff?!?!?!??
And not only was it theory, but my get-this-done attitude was also ridiculed. Yes, I like to go running. What's wrong with waking up in the morning, going running for a half hour, and then spending the day at the library reading and doing homework??? What is so terrible about that? Does that really deserve ridicule? Especially from good friends?
And all of this while the mad thunderstorm raged on. With the crazy lightning. And now, that I've written everything, of course it has calmed down quite a bit. No more lightning. How weird.
Another thought I had - whoever came up with the idea of a strobe light is most definitely unoriginal. Lightning strikes are the original strobes. Electronic strobe lights are just wanna-be lightning bolts. The only advantage they have to the real thing is a constant flow of electricity that keeps them going for hours and hours. Lightning bolts rely on thunderstorms before they can show their true glory.
Gee whiz. I hope tomorrow is a more encourageing day.
For one, it's really weird, but the weather usually reflects my mood. Either that, or I take on a mood depeding on the weather -which could be true, but I have reason to believe it's the other way around.
Tonight is one of those times.
So it's storming outside. And I'm in a bad mood. Why? Because I got aggrivated. A sore spot was revisited - the days of grammar school. I was always made fun of, never liked, called "miss perfect", my ambitions were always laughed at, like I was some crazy person for wanting to actually DO my schoolwork in a way where I would understand it. And I'm not one of those people who can just do something because "that's how it's done". Sorry. That's jsut not me. I have to have some kind of grasp on the logic and reason behind things - what their purpose is - otherwise I cannot properly understand it. And maybe that sounds bizarre to people, but that's how I learn. Otherwise, if I don't know why things are the way they are, they don't mean as much to me. I can neither understand the concepts, nor appreciate them because I don't know where they came from, so they are basically useless. Now tonight's incident had to do with theory. I've realized that I've fallen VERY much behind where I need to be. I'm getting low D's in both of my theory classes, and I don't understand a thing of what is going on. I haven't been preparing for class as I should have, and there's a lot of catch-up of I need to do. So I attempted to start on that tonight by reading the most recent chapter and taking notes. Sure, sounds easy right? Except for the fact that every paragraph I read, I had no idea what was going on. My notes were basically direct sentences from the text. I couldn't paraphrase anything because I didn't understand it well enough to. And this frustrates me more than anything. When I try so hard to get something, and it's just not working. I was almost to the point of tears.
So while doing this, I was with friends. And I guess I was getting on their nerves, and whining a bit because I didn't understand it. Then I was getting made fun of for "taking things so seriously" and that I "needed to calm down". I HATE when people tell me that, like I can't control my own fucking emotions. I KNOW when I need to calm down or not. And this isn't something to be calm about. I'm getting fucking D's in these two classes, worth 4 credit hours, and I need to bring those up to B's to remain in the Honors program, otherwise I loose my scholarship of $9,000, and then I basically don't go to Roosevelt anymore. So yeah, it IS a big fucking deal and not something to be calm about. And they were trying to tell me that I just have to do it to do it, and CAN'T understand why things are the way they are because that's just how it has to be. I'm sorry, that doesn't fucking work for me. That's why I'm getting fucking D's in the first place! Obviously, the method of "you do this because this is how it's done" isn't very successful. And it's not like it was one comment. This went on for at least 20 minutes. And I was already on the point of tears for feeling like a complete failure because I couldn't do something as simple as understand the text. The last thing I needed was my learning methods attacked continuously and being talked to like a 5 year old "calm down ashley". WHAT THE FUCK. Why don't you think about what you're saying. Maybe instead of thinking of yourself, you could try to understand what I'm going through, and that this is hard. It's not my fault you're in a theory level above me. Big deal. All I need is help, explanations, and support. It was clear I was unhappy. And then to be picked apart like I have no feelings? That hurt a lot. It just felt like 6th grade all over again.
That's another thing. The fucking book is bullshit. It doesn't explain things NEARLY as well as it should. The minimal examples aren't very helpful and the definitions are wordy and complicated. How the fuck are people supposed to understand this stuff?!?!?!??
And not only was it theory, but my get-this-done attitude was also ridiculed. Yes, I like to go running. What's wrong with waking up in the morning, going running for a half hour, and then spending the day at the library reading and doing homework??? What is so terrible about that? Does that really deserve ridicule? Especially from good friends?
And all of this while the mad thunderstorm raged on. With the crazy lightning. And now, that I've written everything, of course it has calmed down quite a bit. No more lightning. How weird.
Another thought I had - whoever came up with the idea of a strobe light is most definitely unoriginal. Lightning strikes are the original strobes. Electronic strobe lights are just wanna-be lightning bolts. The only advantage they have to the real thing is a constant flow of electricity that keeps them going for hours and hours. Lightning bolts rely on thunderstorms before they can show their true glory.
Gee whiz. I hope tomorrow is a more encourageing day.