(no subject)
I havent updated this thing in a while. I guess nothing has been happening. I mean alot has been happening but maybe nothing that i want to write about.
I feel like life is happening so fast. I mean on Friday i move out of the dorm. Just like that my first year of college is over. Man in high school i counted the days til summer.....now not so much. It doesnt feel like summer. I mean the weather does but inside my heart it doesnt. I dont want to go away from this place. I love my little montevallo "bubble". Everything is content there. I packed my stuff today and brought the first load home. I had a break down. I like my late night chats with my rommie, i like my twin bed that fits one, i like my cramped closet and all my shoes being on the floor, i like looking at the coloring pages on the closet door, i like all my random pig shit being everywhere, i like blowing bubbles to annoy lisa, i like when she sings to annoy me, i like the random times in the dorm, and i like talking about everybody and their fashion No-Nos.
Which brings me to my next issue.....I dont want to share my bubble. I dont want her here. I think she is coming for all the wrong reasons. I dont want a high-school repeat. I like being self-ish. Im damn good at it. I dont want her to know everything i am doing, i like us having seperate lives. In a small way i kinda like us growning apart.....Not that i like not being close but i like the fact that we are growing as people and growing and expanding ourselves. i like that neither one of us are the same people we were in high school and im scared that if she comes here then thats how it will be. Maybe i am wrong and maybe i am over-thinking things.
I love the person that i have become in one short school year. I love the fact that i am more outgoing and not so shy. I love the fact that i feel like i belong. i love the fact that i can be me and act as crazy and silly as i want to and know that i dont have to be embarrassed or ashamed because i have the best friends that any girl could ask for and they dont give a flying rats ass what i do they still love me. i love the fact that i have more self-confidence. i love this drive to be on top that i have acquired. i wish i could be just a little bit stronger. I dont think that i am living up to my potential when it comes to being strong.other than that i am satisified.
i look back on who i was and how i felt about myself and how i let one person run my life and damn i hated myself.i hated it so much and yet i had nothing to change for. i hate that i ignored my heart for so long. i hate the way i looked at myself. i was my skinniest weight and felt the fattest i have ever felt all because of words. Words that now i look back on and realize that i didnt deserve to hear. Words that now have made me stronger. I thought that was love. I thought thats how it was supposed to be but damn i was wrong. This is love and This is how its supposed to be.
I have alot going on right now. Im stressed out like crazy.Im unsure about alot of things in my life. I have alot of things to think about and deal with but i'll make it. I will.
I feel like life is happening so fast. I mean on Friday i move out of the dorm. Just like that my first year of college is over. Man in high school i counted the days til summer.....now not so much. It doesnt feel like summer. I mean the weather does but inside my heart it doesnt. I dont want to go away from this place. I love my little montevallo "bubble". Everything is content there. I packed my stuff today and brought the first load home. I had a break down. I like my late night chats with my rommie, i like my twin bed that fits one, i like my cramped closet and all my shoes being on the floor, i like looking at the coloring pages on the closet door, i like all my random pig shit being everywhere, i like blowing bubbles to annoy lisa, i like when she sings to annoy me, i like the random times in the dorm, and i like talking about everybody and their fashion No-Nos.
Which brings me to my next issue.....I dont want to share my bubble. I dont want her here. I think she is coming for all the wrong reasons. I dont want a high-school repeat. I like being self-ish. Im damn good at it. I dont want her to know everything i am doing, i like us having seperate lives. In a small way i kinda like us growning apart.....Not that i like not being close but i like the fact that we are growing as people and growing and expanding ourselves. i like that neither one of us are the same people we were in high school and im scared that if she comes here then thats how it will be. Maybe i am wrong and maybe i am over-thinking things.
I love the person that i have become in one short school year. I love the fact that i am more outgoing and not so shy. I love the fact that i feel like i belong. i love the fact that i can be me and act as crazy and silly as i want to and know that i dont have to be embarrassed or ashamed because i have the best friends that any girl could ask for and they dont give a flying rats ass what i do they still love me. i love the fact that i have more self-confidence. i love this drive to be on top that i have acquired. i wish i could be just a little bit stronger. I dont think that i am living up to my potential when it comes to being strong.other than that i am satisified.
i look back on who i was and how i felt about myself and how i let one person run my life and damn i hated myself.i hated it so much and yet i had nothing to change for. i hate that i ignored my heart for so long. i hate the way i looked at myself. i was my skinniest weight and felt the fattest i have ever felt all because of words. Words that now i look back on and realize that i didnt deserve to hear. Words that now have made me stronger. I thought that was love. I thought thats how it was supposed to be but damn i was wrong. This is love and This is how its supposed to be.
I have alot going on right now. Im stressed out like crazy.Im unsure about alot of things in my life. I have alot of things to think about and deal with but i'll make it. I will.