back from licking my wounds
Ok, so I've been silent for quite some time. Updating is in order.
Let me 'splain. No - there is too much. Let me sum up.
D and I are now officially separated, and everything is moving forward with that. He has an apartment, and we are sharing custody of Sara on a week on - week off basis. Things are pretty amiable in general, and I have to admit to a certain sense of relief now that all the toxicity and D's general fog of misery has dissipated. I don't think a reconciliation is in the cards; although I'd be willing to try, he's not. He had agreed to go to one of those weekend encounter things, but has since declined.
What precipitated this whole separation, and subsequent unwillingness to consider working on reconciliation, was his rediscovery of an old lost love, who is now the focus of all his future thoughts and plans. It hurt terribly at the time and still does a bit, but I am starting to feel, oddly enough, a strange sense of gratitude towards this woman. D has been miserable for a long time, but unwilling to address it or do anything about it. Just sat on the fence, never making a decision to either jump away or commit himself to really working on us. He could have eaten up 20 more years of my life this way, because I am an endurer and had made a decision a while back to work with what I had. Anyway, the shoe has dropped, and I am now free of it in good conscience, whatever regrets I am still dealing with.
He's being very decent about the money and everything, and has me set up with an automatic draft from his paycheck of 45%. I've needed every penny since I've been unemployed for two months due to my position being eliminated due to grant funding and budget cuts. But I've accepted a position at Greenville Tech and start tomorrow, yay! I won't move up right away, so commuting will suck. But my daughter has been disrupted enough for right now and I want her to stay in her familiar school until she finishes this year.
Loss is often a starting point for growth and new opportunities. I don't want to sound Pollyanna-ish, but I actually feel pretty good right now. Things are happening and my life is moving forward with new work and new options. I'm still wrestling with some sadness and loss, but I don't really feel as grieved as one might think. D and I are are getting along well, even meeting for lunch from time to time, and when I see him I feel enormous affection but very little "tug". He is a good, decent man, and someone I care about a great deal. I think we'll be able to have a friendly relationship when all this simmers down. And now when I think about it, that is probably what we should have been all along - good friends, not mates. He's a great guy. Just not, I now think, the one for me.
Anyway, that's Liz's Summer 2006 Recap.
Let me 'splain. No - there is too much. Let me sum up.
D and I are now officially separated, and everything is moving forward with that. He has an apartment, and we are sharing custody of Sara on a week on - week off basis. Things are pretty amiable in general, and I have to admit to a certain sense of relief now that all the toxicity and D's general fog of misery has dissipated. I don't think a reconciliation is in the cards; although I'd be willing to try, he's not. He had agreed to go to one of those weekend encounter things, but has since declined.
What precipitated this whole separation, and subsequent unwillingness to consider working on reconciliation, was his rediscovery of an old lost love, who is now the focus of all his future thoughts and plans. It hurt terribly at the time and still does a bit, but I am starting to feel, oddly enough, a strange sense of gratitude towards this woman. D has been miserable for a long time, but unwilling to address it or do anything about it. Just sat on the fence, never making a decision to either jump away or commit himself to really working on us. He could have eaten up 20 more years of my life this way, because I am an endurer and had made a decision a while back to work with what I had. Anyway, the shoe has dropped, and I am now free of it in good conscience, whatever regrets I am still dealing with.
He's being very decent about the money and everything, and has me set up with an automatic draft from his paycheck of 45%. I've needed every penny since I've been unemployed for two months due to my position being eliminated due to grant funding and budget cuts. But I've accepted a position at Greenville Tech and start tomorrow, yay! I won't move up right away, so commuting will suck. But my daughter has been disrupted enough for right now and I want her to stay in her familiar school until she finishes this year.
Loss is often a starting point for growth and new opportunities. I don't want to sound Pollyanna-ish, but I actually feel pretty good right now. Things are happening and my life is moving forward with new work and new options. I'm still wrestling with some sadness and loss, but I don't really feel as grieved as one might think. D and I are are getting along well, even meeting for lunch from time to time, and when I see him I feel enormous affection but very little "tug". He is a good, decent man, and someone I care about a great deal. I think we'll be able to have a friendly relationship when all this simmers down. And now when I think about it, that is probably what we should have been all along - good friends, not mates. He's a great guy. Just not, I now think, the one for me.
Anyway, that's Liz's Summer 2006 Recap.