(no subject)
I’m in so much pain today.
Not physical pain. Gut-wrenching emotional pain.
I’m so tired of so much disappointment and loss. It catches up to me, and it’s overwhelming. I feel like I’m drowning in heartache and I don’t want to exist anymore.
I’m not suicidal. I just hate existence sometimes. Today is one of those days. I’m just sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling so sad and hopeless, it weighs on my chest and I feel like I can’t breathe.
I’m not telling my therapist about this. I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it. I don’t know how to put into words that I want to die without anyone thinking I’m going to self-harm. I’m not a coward. I’m not going to put my loved ones through something so selfish. I just feel what I feel and I try to manage my life around it.
I don’t know if I’m making sense. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a black hole of nothingness, debating whether or not I should jump in.
I have a 4 day weekend and I know I won’t be enjoying it because I’ll be either numbing my mind with tv shows or hiding away in my bed, under my covers.
It’s fucked up when I look forward every day to sleeping because my dreams are my escape from this painful reality.
And even then I sometimes can’t escape. I’ve had some dreams that are disturbing and leave me wondering wtf is going on in my weird brain. I had a horrible dream that someone shot and killed my Rascal. In real life Rascal died of heart failure. He died in my arms. But I guess I feel like he was stolen from me. And maybe the fact that I had to make the horrific decision of putting him to sleep feels like he was murdered instead. I woke up crying and trying to make sense of such a shitty fucked up dream. Why is my mind so morbid and messed up? What is it like to be neurotypical without any weird shit lurking around your brain? My brain is always going. Even with medications. All the meds do is keep me from freaking the fuck out. They help me get through life with less anxiety. But the racing, messed up thoughts are still there. Maybe not non-stop like before, but they’re there.
I feel so guilty for having such a terrible dream about my soul kitty whose absence still has me gutted.
If I didn’t have Blue, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck whatever happens to me. He’s the only thing giving me any sense of love and purpose these days. He yelled at me this morning just to get some attention and snuggles, and I loved every minute of it. I cuddled him and he purred like a little squeaky motor. I smooched his little kitty face and he let me. He was so content in my arms. I felt so grateful that he’s still here with me. I dread the day he has to leave me because he’s the only reason I get up in the morning.
I’m a mess right now. I feel cheated. What a shit deal to end up in this life, on this shit planet and in this shit society with shit people everywhere being complete angry assholes, and having to work like a dog just to survive but never get enjoyment out of life. The ONLY thing I enjoy is caring for animals. That’s it. That’s the only thing that’s given me purpose. Everything else just feels meh.
Fuck.
Not physical pain. Gut-wrenching emotional pain.
I’m so tired of so much disappointment and loss. It catches up to me, and it’s overwhelming. I feel like I’m drowning in heartache and I don’t want to exist anymore.
I’m not suicidal. I just hate existence sometimes. Today is one of those days. I’m just sitting here crying my eyes out, feeling so sad and hopeless, it weighs on my chest and I feel like I can’t breathe.
I’m not telling my therapist about this. I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it. I don’t know how to put into words that I want to die without anyone thinking I’m going to self-harm. I’m not a coward. I’m not going to put my loved ones through something so selfish. I just feel what I feel and I try to manage my life around it.
I don’t know if I’m making sense. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a black hole of nothingness, debating whether or not I should jump in.
I have a 4 day weekend and I know I won’t be enjoying it because I’ll be either numbing my mind with tv shows or hiding away in my bed, under my covers.
It’s fucked up when I look forward every day to sleeping because my dreams are my escape from this painful reality.
And even then I sometimes can’t escape. I’ve had some dreams that are disturbing and leave me wondering wtf is going on in my weird brain. I had a horrible dream that someone shot and killed my Rascal. In real life Rascal died of heart failure. He died in my arms. But I guess I feel like he was stolen from me. And maybe the fact that I had to make the horrific decision of putting him to sleep feels like he was murdered instead. I woke up crying and trying to make sense of such a shitty fucked up dream. Why is my mind so morbid and messed up? What is it like to be neurotypical without any weird shit lurking around your brain? My brain is always going. Even with medications. All the meds do is keep me from freaking the fuck out. They help me get through life with less anxiety. But the racing, messed up thoughts are still there. Maybe not non-stop like before, but they’re there.
I feel so guilty for having such a terrible dream about my soul kitty whose absence still has me gutted.
If I didn’t have Blue, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck whatever happens to me. He’s the only thing giving me any sense of love and purpose these days. He yelled at me this morning just to get some attention and snuggles, and I loved every minute of it. I cuddled him and he purred like a little squeaky motor. I smooched his little kitty face and he let me. He was so content in my arms. I felt so grateful that he’s still here with me. I dread the day he has to leave me because he’s the only reason I get up in the morning.
I’m a mess right now. I feel cheated. What a shit deal to end up in this life, on this shit planet and in this shit society with shit people everywhere being complete angry assholes, and having to work like a dog just to survive but never get enjoyment out of life. The ONLY thing I enjoy is caring for animals. That’s it. That’s the only thing that’s given me purpose. Everything else just feels meh.
Fuck.