(no subject)
Well well well…..
Gee, I wonder who used to get bent out of shape when I’d expose their cheating, manipulations, lies, shady behavior, etc? 🤔
ALL OF THEM. They hated when I’d speak my truth about how they treated me.
Sadly, my mom always denied her abusive behavior and actions, too. She’d call me a liar and say I was making shit up just to hurt her. I am not angry at my mom anymore. I even miss her. I’ll always love her. She’s my mom. But she was a narcissist and felt everything circled back to her somehow. Her image, her reputation, other people’s perception of her. If I tried to taint that image by saying out loud the stunts she’d pull, she would freak the fuck out and go into denial mode. I had so many arguments with her because she’d conveniently forget some of the dramatic, ridiculous, and even hurtful things she did. She’d say they never happened and I was just a liar. Which is why I had zero credibility with our extended family.
And when dudes started doing that same shit to me, it really damaged me. There were times I’d even question my own sanity. They gaslit me so much.
That’s narcissists for you. 😞 I want so badly to call them all out by name, but I’m afraid it will seem petty and I’ll get pegged as “crazy” and “liar” again. Any time I brought up their shitty behavior toward me, they’d make it seems like it was all in my imagination and I was blowing things out of proportion. I was always painted the manipulative one, the bad one.
Meh. Whatev. This is all helping me put so much into perspective and understand so many things that left me baffled before. I blamed myself for a lot, and sure, I wasn't innocent. I had my bitch moments. But only because I was tired of being disrespected, used, lied to and mistreated. I sometimes thought fighting fire with fire was the best way to go about things. I do have a bit of vindictiveness in me, being a Scorpio and all. If someone pushes the wrong buttons, I’ll lash out, stinger and claws and the whole bit.
I’d like to think I’m better than that now, but eh…not really. I can still be mean when people piss me off enough. I’m trying to be more mature about stuff like that now, but there will always be an urge inside me to stick it to whomever dares try to cross me. If people treat me kindly, though, then they have nothing to worry about.