I would like nothing else than to be dead....
I know now what my icky and weird feeling was about...and I hate being psychic cause it always bites me in the ass. Brian left today. He woke me up and said he is going to stay at his dad's for a month so we can get together and talk about our problems and be alone and that this will help our marriage....but I don't trust it. I've been crying since 10am...slept an hour....can't eat...can't stop crying...can't breathe. I got married for security and he just ripped that away from me. How is this supposed to bring us closer together? This makes me feel further from him and how will I ever trust him again? I just want to die....all the fucking pain I've gone through... and I never thought I would hurt this much ever again...especially by getting married. My eyes hurt, they are so puffy I can barely see.... my chest feels like it's caving in.... my stomach feels like there are a thousand knives piercing me repeatedly and it seems never ending. How can a man make so many promises and then rip your heart out only to say "We aren't getting a divorce, we just need time alone to work out our problems" BUT THEY ARE HIS PROBLEMS! I am great to him and it has been HIM who has been a dick to me! I should be the one who leaves....he has no right...and how can it get better now? I'd rather be dead then live without him...and live with this agony and embarassment. I cannot go through this again. I thought I could never be hurt more than my soul mate hurt me....wow...I can't believe I am wrong again. All my life I have delt with so much pain and have always just kept an ounce of hope in my head....but... I can;t do it anymore...I cant live this life when so much has beaten me down and there is no way to be picked back up. My life is meaningless and pointless and now I have nothing to live for. I have searched forever...I have climbed every fucking hill....I have walked through every firey pit of thorns and still have not been rewarded. I thought Brian was it...I thought things were finally gonna be good...finally....but I guess the gods don't believe I am worth happiness...the only things I have ever wanted and worked for...the only thing I am constantly denied.