Some tools to get me through this
It was haircut and dinner with drwex this week. This has been an excellent new tradition that guarantees we have an activity to look forward to every other month that gets us out of our hermit and day to day pattern: go feel good about our hair style with Dale at DHR, then catch up over dinner. Win.
He was a most excellent human and was game for me to walk through my anxiety and frustrations on how to adult and how to talk like an adult (and lately? Feeling like I was failing at that) My go-to for conflict resolution was to use "I" statements. These are better than accusatory "you" statements, but still do not lead the listening party to necessarily feel heard or feel like they have an active role in the conversation. So, what instead? He's done a lot of work lately and was able to share what he's figured out. So, a list of things to do instead...
I want to treat this as a reminder to myself, this post. If anyone wants to clarify or add, if I think it'll work for me, I'll edit them in for future reference.
These tools are my security blanket. It gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm not a horrible incompetant who's just making everything around her worse. So, Wex: you are the hero of the revolution. Mwah!
He was a most excellent human and was game for me to walk through my anxiety and frustrations on how to adult and how to talk like an adult (and lately? Feeling like I was failing at that) My go-to for conflict resolution was to use "I" statements. These are better than accusatory "you" statements, but still do not lead the listening party to necessarily feel heard or feel like they have an active role in the conversation. So, what instead? He's done a lot of work lately and was able to share what he's figured out. So, a list of things to do instead...
- Identify common goals. Frame issues in that way in "it will help me meet our common goals if you can help me with..." And/or see if something can be agreed on "We may not agree on X but do we at least see that Y is something we want?"
- Listen to what the person is telling you and echo back what they say
- Ask them if that's right
- Find out what they need to move forward (and meet goals)
- BATNA: Best alternative to negotiated agreement. I'm still struggling a lot with how to sort out my BATNA for any sort of situation. I understand that deploying a BATNA is rarely fun or good, but that it's important to feel like you have a choice, and that sometimes the BATNA is just that: the best alternative.
- In the meantime, do not lose focus on the victories.
- Progress is not a straight line up and forward. Expect sometimes it won't work out
- (therefore) Do not expect to be able to have my new tools work for me each time. Be willing to implement bits piecemeal.
- Remember my OWN advice to myself: be patient and gentle with yourself and others.
I want to treat this as a reminder to myself, this post. If anyone wants to clarify or add, if I think it'll work for me, I'll edit them in for future reference.
These tools are my security blanket. It gives me hope and makes me feel like I'm not a horrible incompetant who's just making everything around her worse. So, Wex: you are the hero of the revolution. Mwah!