Losing Grip
Title: Losing Grip
Type: One-shot
Pairing: Natsu/Gray
Rating: T
Warning:
Length: ~2730
Summary: Now Natsu has really lost it.
Note: Sequel to Sanctuary
Disclaimer: I don’t own Fairy Tail.
Losing Grip
Natsu lay curled upon himself on the charred ground.
His energy had left him, the emotional drain had taken him down physically and he didn’t know when would he manage to get up.
After some timeless moments he managed to muster enough strength to sit up.
His eyes took in the black surroundings but he didn’t apprehend anything, staring unseeing at what surrounded him.
The fire mage felt hollow.
Just… Just a short while earlier his life was going smoothly, he had everything he wanted and there was nothing wrong going on-
‘Liar!’ that little voice that nagged him howled.
No, Natsu couldn’t continue lying to himself. He had… he had seen the toll his decision had taken upon his friend. Wait, he was not going to consider himself a friend any more because…
A heavy exhale left him.
Natsu felt utterly lost.
And knowing that he had to face reality. Things hadn’t gone as he had envisioned them. He hadn’t taken into account some important things. He hadn’t taken in how it was going to feel. And now he was here, in the middle of nowhere, like a crying, confused girl.
What the hell? He was no such thing!
With another sigh Natsu’s shoulders slumped a little more.
‘Come on, you’re better than this. No need for cheap ways to cheer up. I have to face reality - no matter how fucked up it might be…’ he ran a hand through his hair, biting his lip. ‘I’m no sissy-‘
Just by admitting that little truth to himself allowed Natsu to get away from wherever he was and towards where he should be. Seriously, what had gone through his mind to make him just go away because he feared an outcome? He was the Salamander - a mage from Fairy Tail - and this way of acting didn’t feel right.
He had to go back and face the music, as they said. He really had to man up!
Nodding to himself the fire mage got up on wobbly legs. He scowled and glared at the ground, fists clenched tightly. His arms were shaking slightly with the strain but he calmed himself. There was a familiar hum underneath his skin that seemed to want to be let out and that feeling made Natsu take a deep breath, to breathe in and regain his balance. After some minutes his legs had steadied and he felt (more) ready to go back to the guild.
The wind was blowing on his back, almost as if inciting him to go while it lifted ashes from the ground and made them spiral in a demented dance. He had barely given three steps when his ears picked something on the wind. He looked up, towards where the sound was coming from and squinted.
There was a small dot moving on the grey skies. A dot that was quickly growing and taking on a blue colour.
At that point, the fire mage could understand what he was hearing.
“Naaaaaaaatsuuuuuu!!!!!!!”
The ball of fur plunged towards the Salamander and ended up in his arms.
“Natsu!! I finally find you,” said Happy, looking a little more hyper than usual, “the Master told me to bring you back. He wanted to talk to you and Gray also-“ he was cut off by a hand.
“Don’t worry. I was just heading to the guild.” Natsu let Happy go and turned, heading back to Magnolia.
Happy stood there, flying, for a couple more seconds, watching the Salamander’s retreating back. The cat looked around and took in the burnt surroundings.
He sighed before following his friend.
~^~
Natsu entered the guild’s main room and, as expected, all the eyes focused on him.
He brushed the glares, pitying looks and many other visages aside. He only had one mission, go to the infirmary and check on Gray’s condition. Having Happy be the one calling him meant that there were good (if not all) chances of Gray making it… Oh yeah, he also had to go talk to the Master - he nearly forgot.
When he reached the corridor he met Erza and Lucy who were standing by the door. They had serious looks on but there was also a lingering worry.
“Natsu! You’re finally here,” Erza seemed to have perked up and was looking at him in a funny way. “Come, the Master needs to talk to you urgently.” She motioned to the door.
The fire mage nodded and gulped, crossing the small space. He could hear Lucy do a strange yelping noise after he had passed her but he ignored it and grabbed the door’s handle. He paused, hand tightening around the metal until his knuckles were white. He had a bad feeling.
~^~
After pushing the door open Natsu entered the softly illuminated room. There was an uncomfortable air inside, only broken by Wendy’s soft voice muttering something incomprehensible every now and then. Natsu saw her, Charlie perched on her shoulder and the Master was at the bottom of the bed. The prone figure atop the bed seemed to be shrouded in shadows.
“Natsu, you finally got here. This is a difficult situation… we only avoided the catastrophic scenario thanks to Wendy. She managed to bring Gray back although there are some problems…” the Master said.
“Problems…?”
“I’m afraid so,” Wendy had gotten close to them and was wrenching her hands nervously, a miserable look on her face. She bit her lower lip before continuing. “When we got there… it was almost too late… the process was quite advanced and I did everything I could but I’m afraid it wasn’t enough… I didn’t get everything!” Her eyes shone brightly with tears that were threatening to overflow.
“What do you mean?” Natsu was confused - a bad feeling was growing within.
The smaller mage sniffled slightly and pressed her lips closed. Shaking her head sadly she just replied, “Nothing, we better… we better wait to see…”
She walked to the bedside table, hands continuing to move nervously.
Natsu turned back to the Master, confusion etched on his features.
Makarov contemplated everybody who was in the room. He seemed to be having worrisome thoughts, if the crease in his brow was any sign. He turned his face towards the window so Natsu was unable to assess anything else in his expression.
Then, a sharp exhale broke the heavy silence that filled the room.
Everybody looked at the bed’s occupant.
He was waking up!
Gray was waking up!
Natsu was hovering at the foot of the bed, suddenly overwhelmed with nerves.
Gray’s eyelids moved and the dark haired mage blinked a couple of times before opening his eyes and staring bleakly at the ceiling.
There was the noise of a door opening and creaking softly closed. Natsu glanced hurriedly in that direction but the heavy noise of Erza’s steps was unmistakable, he looked up and noticed that her serious face was on. A pale and slightly shaky Lucy was on her side. They approached the bed.
The ice mage blinked again, his eyebrows raising questioningly. He coughed to clear his throat, his hands tensing and grabbing the sheet that covered him, tightly.
Wendy interjected quickly.
“Gray? How do you feel?” she asked, voice wavering slightly in the end of the sentence.
“Wendy? What-?” he was staring at her in confusion. Leaning up on his elbows he managed to sit up slowly. His back now resting against the headboard, the ice mage looked around at the anxious faces that surrounded him. “What happened?”
“You gave us a hell of a scare, that’s what happened!” Natsu growled out, fury starting to bubble and threatening to burst.
Gray’s stare turned to Natsu, impassively. He seemed slightly puzzled after a while. “Who the hell are you?”
“Who is he? Gray, he’s Natsu-“ Lucy hurried to add, speaking for the first time since entering the room.
“Natsu…?”
“… he’s our friend…”
“I don’t think so,” Gray looked at Lucy. “I would remember if I was ‘friends’ with him. And I just don’t remember that person.”
“B-but… you remember us, right?” Wendy asked, eyes open wide.
“Of course I do. You’re Wendy, Charlie, the old m- I mean, Master Makarov, Erza, Happy and Lucy. It’s just him I don’t know.” Gray shrugged.
Natsu was staring at Gray, his mouth hanging open. His knuckles were white from clenching his fists so tightly that his nails were making indentations on his palm.
“You don’t-? You don’t know me?” Natsu grasped Gray’s shirt collar with both hands and pulled him forward, starting to shake the ice mage violently. “Let’s see if we can do something about that!”
“Stop it.” Erza was grasping the fire mage’s arms tightly.
“Erza…” Natsu looked at her and let go of the other’s shirt, body seemingly sagging. He could sense the others’ disapproving glares.
“I think you better leave, now,” she stated in a harsh tone.
He nodded meekly and started walking slowly out the room.
“Later we’ll have to have a small conversation, “ Makarov added.
Natsu nodded again, his shoulders sagging a little more.
When he closed the door his legs failed him and he ended in a heap on the wooden floor. He felt as he had before. No, this time there was also a claustrophobic sense, the walls seemed to want to press down on him and his strength was bleeding out from his limbs faster and faster, his mind starting to spin at the onslaught of things that were crashing over him. The fire mage tried to draw in a breath but was only able to take shallow breaths. At a pace slower than a snail’s Natsu managed to sit up and lean against the door, one hand clutching tightly at his vest - he had to hold onto something as he waited for the corridor to stop spinning.
‘What the fuck was that?’ he ran a hand through his hair.
‘And why the hell is it affecting me like this?’
~^~
The news spread out like wildfire - Gray had forgotten about Natsu.
It was something big but only a few realized how huge it was.
For a long time mutters followed either Natsu or Gray as soon as they entered a room. It was uncomfortable to Natsu. He didn’t mind that his guildmates knew about what was going on in his life - he also knew what was going on with them - it showed that they cared but this matter was just too painful for him to be under everybody’s sightings.
His life was in shambles. Team Natsu had been disbanded but not it seemed that the members had been crushed to some extent. Natsu still had Lisanna but, somehow being with her was different. It felt different.
To tell the truth, Natsu didn’t know what he felt anymore…
But, slowly, life got back to a semblance of normalcy at the guild of Fairy Tail.
The missions and adventures didn’t stop, they were still the same destructive (much to the Master’s chagrin) guild. The only difference was that there was this weird shifting in the air every now and then. Everybody was hyper aware of this and for most of the time there was a strained ambiance at the guild. Of course that they continued being rowdy and drank copiously but some of the joy seemed not to be there anymore.
~^~
The guild’s foundations shook with the loud crash as a wall crumbled down after a body had collided with it.
Yells and growls emerged from there. The voices were harsh and furious, bordering on hateful. However nobody said a word or looked in that direction.
It was just another fight between Natsu and Gray.
However, the bad part was that the playful air, that air of rivalry that had surrounded them before was gone. There was no kidding here, it was serious business.
The guild’s heavy doors opened suddenly and Erza entered. She was walking in measured, ominous steps, a frown on her face. She went directly towards the two mages. The red head stopped and glared at them.
“What is going on in here?” gauntlet-covered hands rested at her hips.
“Nothing,” said Gray, looking at the floor, scuffing his boot on the debris.
“Nothing,” echoed Natsu, running the back of his hand through his mouth. He shook his head, creating a small cloud of dust. He stood up and brushed himself up. Without another word he left the guild, blocking his guildmates’ looks.
The dragon slayer wandered aimlessly through the streets, letting his feet take him. At some point he found himself on a busy street, being pushed by the citizens. He barely noticed them. Then there were scents hitting his nostrils that in any other day would have knocked him to the ground in agony. This time he only wrinkled his nose, grimaced and picked up his pace. When he got to where apparently was his destination, Natsu blinked. He was at one of the gardens. In this one large, majestic trees sided the path, in an attempt to make people seems smaller - insignificant even.
The fire mage walked down the shaded path, the breeze caressing his skin and making his feeling of loss grow. Finally, he sat down on the grass, his back against the rough bark of a tree. His head hit the tree three times, his eyes were closed. A while later (you're rushing the scene. Just ease his eyes open) he opened them and stared unseeingly into the trees in front of him. He let out a growl, fists hitting the ground on both his sides. His knees resting against his chest, Natsu leaned his forehead against them. Then, with a jump, he was standing up, pacing.
“I did what I had to!” he said to nobody.
‘Then why do you wish you hadn’t?’ asked a voice in his head. The Salamander paused to snort and shake his head disbelievingly. He was definitely going nuts if he was hearing voices. But he replied anyway.
“It doesn’t- it doesn’t matter. I took the best choice. It’s not my fault that he decided to go all hormonal and behave like a wimp!”
‘A wimp for forgetting? Weren’t there times you wished the same?’
“That’s different! I-“
‘But the worse is how he erased you. Just you. Don’t you feel jealous of the others?’ This earned a scoff from Natsu.
“As if. As if there was a reason-“
‘Don’t you feel guilty knowing that it’s by your fault that he’s like that? You cant believe you’ve been the only one to notice how cold he has become…’
“… cold despite his ice magic… “ Natsu paused, muttering. “Wait, what the hell? What the fuck is this game, huh?” He threw his hands in the air. “I give up! Who the fuck are you?”
‘Just your conscience.’
“Ah! If you’re my,” he stressed the word, “conscience, you should do what I say. And I say go away with those stupid thoughts. I have other things to think of…”
‘Natsu Dragneel, who would have thought that you were a coward? You need to understand what you did. This is a weight that you will carry forever.’
“Leave me alone!” Natsu did a dismissive gesture, hands moving in an arc. He looked at them. They were shaking slightly.
“Ahahah, that’s it. I must have lost it!” Balls of fire erupted and covered his hands, keeping him from seeing their involuntary movements. The fire mage knelt on the ground, quickly extinguishing the fire.
He was still looking at one of his hands, now flexing it slightly.
“I lost it…” he muttered.
“I really…” the hand curled in a fist and raised, “…really lost it!” his hand descended and he started punching the ground repeatedly.
“Maybe if I could have…” his voice cracked at the last words. “It could have…” his fingers dug on the grass, into the cold soil, easily. “I’ll really have to carry on, knowing what we had and what I did…” he said to himself, eyes open in disbelief.
The scream that followed was filled with anguish and despair.
~^~
Things would never be the same, no matter how much they wished.
Natsu had made a choice.
It had probably been the wrong one.
And now he had lost what he had, to a degree, tried to protect.
And with it, a small part of himself.
A/N: There you have it, folks. The final piece for this ‘verse. It’s worse than the others, I know but I struggled a fair bit with it. And the supposed angst could have been better... Hm…
I’m not too happy with how it ended but the Muse was barely there while I was trying to write. Yep, this story took a while because, guess what?, RL got in the way and I also had some problems that didn’t help me focus on the writing. But now, hopefully I’ll be through with all that. I know what I want to do (and which stories have to be updated before my exams start) so, wish me luck (and the Muse with me… and less bunnies pestering me… you get the idea :P)
And for this story I have to thank immensely to Nightslayr (for the beta - see, you had a lot to do with this one… - and the non-stop cheering) and to Elliac Sivad (I don’t know if I would have finished this without your kind messages. Besides, I hope this story distracts you a little and that you get well soon). And, of course that I have to thank La Rondine for the original story - without whom these little sequels wouldn’t have been possible.
By the way, the title comes from Avril Lavigne’s song. Don’t ask… xD
Oh well, as usual, feedback is immensely appreciated and helps making my Muse be happy and, consequently, making me write more stories/update my ongoing ones...