Leaving Japan
[EDIT: http://www.mydailymoment.com/horoscope/pisces.php?date=2009-12-15
I feel really proud of myself. I handled my day very well. Instead of rushing online to look up ways of staying in Japan and getting myself into a negative, self-pitying, anxiety ball, I really worked out my problems and I feel spiritually and mentally clear and focused!)
Sorry it took me so long to get back to LJ, I was kind of burned out for a few days. I feel like I’ve finally figured out why, though.
I applied to an eikaiwa (English Conversation School - not the same as simply teaching English. It’s much easier to do and requires less credentials) and my application got accepted. There is then a three-tiered interview process that starts with a phone interview. They said they’d call me in 2-3 business days but you could also call them and have the interview anyway. I decided to wait for 2 days and then call. So that’s what I did today.
It all went well until about 15 minutes after the call. The same man who interviewed me called me back to verify what the expiration date on my work visa was again. He thought he heard March 2010 but since that’s so short of time, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t 2011. It’s 2010, I told him, and he said that unfortunately, they don’t hire people who don’t have at least 6 months left on their visa. They sponsor people but only after a 6-month period.
I was REALLY bummed out. I really don’t have many options left unless I really REALLY want to push it. And I don’t. I know what that’s like. It sucks, don’t do it. If life is moving you in one direction, do your best to understand it and go with it. Fighting it sucks way more and the gain is only superficial.
I was hitting a very low emotional point immediately following the second phone call and I decided to go for a bike ride. Nature is the other half of us, by being around it and feeling connected to it in one way or another, you can achieve excellent clarity and healing. Knowing this, I went on a bike ride through the town’s forested areas, and then down to the stream that is lined with trees.
It wasn’t the trees that really spoke to me, this time, but a veil of vines reaching all the way down a wall separating the floor of a hill of bamboo trees, and the stream. They looked so lush and beautiful, many shapes and variations of green of the leaves skittering across each other. I looked at this and just breathed, letting out a lot of pain.
Then I slowly started thinking about the idea of having a home. So many people yearn to have one and then they stay in them for many years. During that time they have pets and gardens and libraries in their own homes. I thought about how I may never really experience this and that perhaps in this life time I am meant to just wander around from place to place. It was a depressing thought, so I looked at the stream then. The water was shallow and crystal clear and there were long grasses beneath the surface. I was marveling at how they resembled long hair or long grasses blowing in the wind. They were very beautiful and soothing to look at so I just sat there and stared down at the water.
Suddenly the thought of “addictions” came to mind. I had read about this in The Celestine Prophecy - that addictions stop a person from reaching a higher state of being and therefore stop their spiritual growth. It doesn’t have to be a drug or something like gambling, it could be a person or a place too. I realized that my desire to have a home, and be snug and stable in Japan, is exactly that. I’ve been addicted to Japan, and while being here has taught me much about myself - not to mention meeting Mimu - it has long since served its purpose in my life. As addictions are, it can be very painful to let them go, but I realized that Japan isn’t going anywhere. It will always by me true home, but if I choose to stay here that’s all that will happen. Me staying in this state of being.
It’s true that I’ve been very bored and frustrated at home lately. I’ve taken tiem to heal, I’ve taken time to reboost my own spitirual self, but it seemed like nothing was really changing. I applied for jobs, went to interviews, but there was nothing new. I’ve joined a bunch of facebook apps just for this very problem - to have something to do to keep myself occupied. I started reading and listening to audiobooks and meditating, and I’d come up with all of these things to write about in a fury. But then I’d feel so drained and lethargic that I could barely even walk sometimes - and it would last for a few days. Then the cycle would start again - as it so happens I’ve been playing games and watching girly anime for the last three days, not really going anywhere or doing anything else.
Looking at the grass in the water, with fallen leaves flowing past it, made me realize that life is meant to change, and my soul truly does yearn for it right now. Japan isn’t going to go anywhere and it will probably never stop being “my true home.” In the same way, nature isn’t going to go anywhere. I already know wonderful spots in my hometown that I’d love to show Mimu someday, things that you’d never see in Japan because Japan is more into controlling nature’s beauty. (The US is into controlling the power of nature, but letting the beauty just come out naturally.) I’ve always wanted a pet or a big garden, and that requires having a stable home. But the whole world can serve as my garden and I didn’t even have to plant or tend to any of it, and pets? I can enjoy the company of animals without actually owning them either. (Though it has always been my dream to have a cat that I could take anywhere with me!)
So, yeah. Me leaving Japan this time wont be “a failed mission”, it’ll be moving onto the next adventure. I succeeded in many different ways in Japan, in more ways than most foreigners experience living here. But there are people I have to meet and things I will learn and teach others, and being a part of that means I have to leave here.
Last words:
The only things I’m worried about are, in order:
1. Mimu. We’d have to get married so he can legally and freely come to the US, and he’d have to improve on his English like A LOT. We currently only speak Japanese to each other and he can read and understand spoken English fairly well, but he misses some things and he really cannot speak it very well at all. (This is not an insult, it’s an observation.) I’d be willing to help him with that, he just has to make the time for it! Give it the effort!
2. My stuff - I have to sell, throw away, ship, pack A LOT OF SHIT. Granted, it’s not much since I don’t actually own a whole lot, but it’s a lot more than what I came here with back in 2007 and 2008. I also hate luggage and baggage so there is a high chance of me going back without much more than when I came here ANYWAY! XD
3. My bike. My bike is like my horse. I really have a unique bond with it and it is probably the one belonging that I’ve had longer than anything else - since 2005. Yeah, there’s a story behind that but basically I have very few belongings in the US and I don’t even know what they are. I’m hoping that I can find a way of sending it to the US, I think I’d rather bring it on the plane with me but if it’s possible and less expensive to ship it, I’d probably do that. Why? Refer to #2. I hate luggage.
4. My plants. I have a few potted plants. A leafy thing, a lavender plant, and two aloe vera plants from outer space (they seriously are the craziest looking things ever). I really don’t want to throw them away so I can either give them to friends, or to the landlord, or just sit them outside somewhere and hope no one will notice.. ever XD
And that’s about it really…
I feel really proud of myself. I handled my day very well. Instead of rushing online to look up ways of staying in Japan and getting myself into a negative, self-pitying, anxiety ball, I really worked out my problems and I feel spiritually and mentally clear and focused!)
Sorry it took me so long to get back to LJ, I was kind of burned out for a few days. I feel like I’ve finally figured out why, though.
I applied to an eikaiwa (English Conversation School - not the same as simply teaching English. It’s much easier to do and requires less credentials) and my application got accepted. There is then a three-tiered interview process that starts with a phone interview. They said they’d call me in 2-3 business days but you could also call them and have the interview anyway. I decided to wait for 2 days and then call. So that’s what I did today.
It all went well until about 15 minutes after the call. The same man who interviewed me called me back to verify what the expiration date on my work visa was again. He thought he heard March 2010 but since that’s so short of time, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t 2011. It’s 2010, I told him, and he said that unfortunately, they don’t hire people who don’t have at least 6 months left on their visa. They sponsor people but only after a 6-month period.
I was REALLY bummed out. I really don’t have many options left unless I really REALLY want to push it. And I don’t. I know what that’s like. It sucks, don’t do it. If life is moving you in one direction, do your best to understand it and go with it. Fighting it sucks way more and the gain is only superficial.
I was hitting a very low emotional point immediately following the second phone call and I decided to go for a bike ride. Nature is the other half of us, by being around it and feeling connected to it in one way or another, you can achieve excellent clarity and healing. Knowing this, I went on a bike ride through the town’s forested areas, and then down to the stream that is lined with trees.
It wasn’t the trees that really spoke to me, this time, but a veil of vines reaching all the way down a wall separating the floor of a hill of bamboo trees, and the stream. They looked so lush and beautiful, many shapes and variations of green of the leaves skittering across each other. I looked at this and just breathed, letting out a lot of pain.
Then I slowly started thinking about the idea of having a home. So many people yearn to have one and then they stay in them for many years. During that time they have pets and gardens and libraries in their own homes. I thought about how I may never really experience this and that perhaps in this life time I am meant to just wander around from place to place. It was a depressing thought, so I looked at the stream then. The water was shallow and crystal clear and there were long grasses beneath the surface. I was marveling at how they resembled long hair or long grasses blowing in the wind. They were very beautiful and soothing to look at so I just sat there and stared down at the water.
Suddenly the thought of “addictions” came to mind. I had read about this in The Celestine Prophecy - that addictions stop a person from reaching a higher state of being and therefore stop their spiritual growth. It doesn’t have to be a drug or something like gambling, it could be a person or a place too. I realized that my desire to have a home, and be snug and stable in Japan, is exactly that. I’ve been addicted to Japan, and while being here has taught me much about myself - not to mention meeting Mimu - it has long since served its purpose in my life. As addictions are, it can be very painful to let them go, but I realized that Japan isn’t going anywhere. It will always by me true home, but if I choose to stay here that’s all that will happen. Me staying in this state of being.
It’s true that I’ve been very bored and frustrated at home lately. I’ve taken tiem to heal, I’ve taken time to reboost my own spitirual self, but it seemed like nothing was really changing. I applied for jobs, went to interviews, but there was nothing new. I’ve joined a bunch of facebook apps just for this very problem - to have something to do to keep myself occupied. I started reading and listening to audiobooks and meditating, and I’d come up with all of these things to write about in a fury. But then I’d feel so drained and lethargic that I could barely even walk sometimes - and it would last for a few days. Then the cycle would start again - as it so happens I’ve been playing games and watching girly anime for the last three days, not really going anywhere or doing anything else.
Looking at the grass in the water, with fallen leaves flowing past it, made me realize that life is meant to change, and my soul truly does yearn for it right now. Japan isn’t going to go anywhere and it will probably never stop being “my true home.” In the same way, nature isn’t going to go anywhere. I already know wonderful spots in my hometown that I’d love to show Mimu someday, things that you’d never see in Japan because Japan is more into controlling nature’s beauty. (The US is into controlling the power of nature, but letting the beauty just come out naturally.) I’ve always wanted a pet or a big garden, and that requires having a stable home. But the whole world can serve as my garden and I didn’t even have to plant or tend to any of it, and pets? I can enjoy the company of animals without actually owning them either. (Though it has always been my dream to have a cat that I could take anywhere with me!)
So, yeah. Me leaving Japan this time wont be “a failed mission”, it’ll be moving onto the next adventure. I succeeded in many different ways in Japan, in more ways than most foreigners experience living here. But there are people I have to meet and things I will learn and teach others, and being a part of that means I have to leave here.
Last words:
The only things I’m worried about are, in order:
1. Mimu. We’d have to get married so he can legally and freely come to the US, and he’d have to improve on his English like A LOT. We currently only speak Japanese to each other and he can read and understand spoken English fairly well, but he misses some things and he really cannot speak it very well at all. (This is not an insult, it’s an observation.) I’d be willing to help him with that, he just has to make the time for it! Give it the effort!
2. My stuff - I have to sell, throw away, ship, pack A LOT OF SHIT. Granted, it’s not much since I don’t actually own a whole lot, but it’s a lot more than what I came here with back in 2007 and 2008. I also hate luggage and baggage so there is a high chance of me going back without much more than when I came here ANYWAY! XD
3. My bike. My bike is like my horse. I really have a unique bond with it and it is probably the one belonging that I’ve had longer than anything else - since 2005. Yeah, there’s a story behind that but basically I have very few belongings in the US and I don’t even know what they are. I’m hoping that I can find a way of sending it to the US, I think I’d rather bring it on the plane with me but if it’s possible and less expensive to ship it, I’d probably do that. Why? Refer to #2. I hate luggage.
4. My plants. I have a few potted plants. A leafy thing, a lavender plant, and two aloe vera plants from outer space (they seriously are the craziest looking things ever). I really don’t want to throw them away so I can either give them to friends, or to the landlord, or just sit them outside somewhere and hope no one will notice.. ever XD
And that’s about it really…