[Fic: Hannah Montana] Cowgirls Don't Cry
Title: Cowgirls Don't Cry
Pairing: Liley, slight Jiley, Mikayla/Mitchie (of "Camp Rock"), others
Rating/Warnings: PG-13/canon character death
Word Count: 8187
Spoilers: "Acky Jakey Heart, Pt. 2" & "That's What Friends Are For?"
Disclaimer: see journal sidebar
A/N: Miley-centric; somewhat of a songfic to "Cowgirls Don't Cry" by country artists Brooks and Dunn featuring Reba McIntyre. Slightly AU; Miley and Jake didn't break up in "Acky Jakey Heart, Pt. 2," and Miley took Mikayla up on her offer in "That's What Friends Are For?" This is the story from which "Soup, Salads, and Secrets" was born. Also, this is a femslash story, so if that's not your thing, then either open your mind or hit the "back" button. Please comment and be extremely honest, even if it sucks.
Summary: She was the youngest and Daddy's little girl, and while all he ever wanted was for her to be happy, he needed to teach her how to be strong even when she wasn't.
Before Miley dreamed of becoming a rock star, she dreamed of the same thing many other little girls dream of: owning her very own horse. Growing up in Tennessee, she knew she wanted to ride in the rodeo, like the older barrel racer girls she watched every year at the stockyards. If she got her own horse, she could be just like them, and maybe even get the chance to sing the national anthem before the start of the show, like her idol Reba McIntyre did. For her seventh birthday, her father finally broke down and bought her one. Soon after, he taught her to ride, and taught her about life.
“There you go bud, hold the reigns, nice and steady...” Robby Ray called out, watching Miley ride around the dirt ring behind the barn. She reached to stop, but like nearly every time before, the horse threw her to the ground, and she landed in a heap of wild auburn curls, arms, and legs. He ran over, and she buried her face in her hands.
“Miles, you alright? Are you hurt?” Robby Ray quickly looked her over and relaxed visibly at the lack of broken bones. Susan would throw him in the hay baler without batting an eye if something happened to Miley. “A little,” she whimpered. “It’s too hard!”
“Now listen here bud,” he began, crouching down in the dirt beside her. “Don’t cry now, okay? You wanna be a cowgirl?” She nodded, furiously wiping away the tears still falling down her cheeks. Even at seven, she didn’t like showing her emotions like other girls.
“Well, cowgirls don’t cry Miles,” Robby Ray said, unwittingly laying the groundwork for Miley’s future. “You’ve gotta keep on riding. Lessons in life’ll show you in time just how important that is, and soon enough you’ll know why. It’ll hurt every now and then, but when ya fall down ya hafta get back up again. Know why Miley?”
“Because cowgirls don’t cry,” she finished for him, tears now gone and replaced with a glowing happiness and that familiar mega-watt smile. His heart skipped slightly at the site, and he knew that smile just might finish off whoever captured her heart.
He ruffled her wild auburn curls and said, “Whaddaya say we ride around one more time, then go inside for some Loco Hot Cocoa? And I betcha Momma’s still got some of those gingerbread cookies...”
“Yeah, if Jackson ain’t ate ‘em all already,” she giggled. “Okay, one more time.”
As she rode around one more time, she lingered on his words. A precocious child, she knew he meant more than riding, but couldn’t wrap her little mind around it, so she focused on what she did understand. She might fall, and it might hurt, but she needed to get back on and keep riding. And most important of all, cowgirls don’t cry.
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By the time she moved to Malibu, her life took more twists and turns than any horse ride. At fourteen, Hannah Montana reigned as the country’s hottest pop star, and Miley knew nothing would ever be the same. She still didn’t know if she liked that or not. Things would be so different if her mother was still alive, but she died just eight months before the label executives started pursuing in her, three months after Miley’s eleventh birthday. Once she realized that recording and touring took up more time from school than she could afford, they decided to move to California and balance school around her career. Hannah Montana came to life on a flight from Nashville to LAX, when Miley expressed the fear of losing a normal life after remembering her father’s fame. So far she was a raging success, and Miley hung on for the wild ride.
When she started school that fall in Malibu, she made two lifelong best friends, Oliver and Lilly. They knew nothing of life outside of California, but still showed incredible kindness to the new girl. Oliver was a typical dorky boy, but Lilly...was really into boys, oddly enough, especially for a tomboy skater. Miley thought Lilly just noticed boys from spending so much time with them at the skate park, the same way she noticed girls more from all her years barrel racing. Sure, tons of guys hung around the rodeo, bull and bronco riders, but they were at least ten years older than her at the time and they all started to look alike after a while. Either way, she’d never met anyone quite like Lilly.
Time went on, and they learned Miley’s secret, and Lola Lufnagle became a continuous presence backstage. Lilly and Miley’s Friday movie night sleepovers became a frequent occurrence also, and at one of the sleepovers, about a year and a half after they became friends, Miley finally told Lilly about life as a rodeo girl.
They’d watched “A League of Their Own,” which Miley had never seen. As Lilly’s favorite scene flashed across the screen, Miley’s mind traveled back to Tennessee, and heard her father’s words once again.
The rest of the movie faded into the background while Miley stayed lost in her thoughts. She didn’t notice that the movie ended until Lilly asked what she wanted to watch next. “Oh, I don’t care,” Miley replied, “just pick whatever.” Lilly, however, noticed her distraction and returned to the couch instead of picking another movie.
“What’re ya thinking about Miles?” Lilly’s head tilted slightly and Miley’s heart sped up a little at her best friend’s adorable gesture. However, Miley’s earlier thoughts still consumed her too much to really think about it.
“Just...the movie reminded me of something my dad used'ta tell me when I was little,” Miley answered, a little unsure of what Lilly might think of her rodeo days.
“What was that?” Lilly questioned again, confusion marring her beautiful features and creating a cute frown line between her eyes. Miley smiled, “your favorite scene, when the coach tells them ‘there’s no crying in baseball.’ My daddy used to tell me that.”
“Wow Miles, your Dad's weirder than I thought,” Lilly smirked, eyebrow raised.
“No Lils, I meant that he’d tell me that cowgirls don’t cry,” Miley laughed. Seeing her confusion, Miley continued, “I used’ta be a barrel racer. Daddy got me my first pony and taught me to ride when I was seven, and when I fell off he’d tell me that cowgirls don’t cry, and that even when I fell I had'ta get back on and keep riding, even when it hurt. He said that life lessons would eventually show me how important it was.”
“Wow, Miles,” Lilly laughed lightly, trying to grasp the meaning of what Miley just shared.
“You know, Lils,” Miley hesitated, the thoughts turning anew in her mind, “I finally get what he was tryin’ to say. He meant that life would throw me in the dirt sometimes, and that I had to pick myself up and get back on, even when it hurts too much. That you can’t stop long enough to cry, but you hafta to keep riding.”
They both sat in silence now, reflecting on Robby Ray’s words from years ago. Miley stayed so consumed in her own thoughts that she never noticed Lilly staring at her in a way that might consume them both, questions in her eyes and a distinct feeling that something shifted between them. Even if neither girl knew what that shift might mean.
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She met who she thought was the love of her life shortly after turning fourteen. Jake Ryan was the next big thing, an actor nearly at Hannah’s level of fame. She saw through his ego and into the person underneath, and he adored her. Not Hannah, but Miley. She married him at age nineteen, and who really cared if she didn’t feel fireworks? He loved her, and what else really mattered?
Until she began to want more. Two years passed, and she wanted a home and family, not the cold open loft that Jake insisted on buying to show off their wealth. He enjoyed his inclusion in the Top 25 Under 25 far more than her, and their marriage suffered.
While he went out every night with his costars and entourage, she stayed home and played midnight Rock Band marathons with Mikayla, who surprisingly became her closest friend after Lilly. Lilly lived on-campus at Berkeley, but when she came in for holidays or summer she remained a permanent fixture for Friday movie nights and sleepovers at the loft. Jake pulled away from her, and Miley pulled further into herself.
One Saturday morning she woke up and fixed breakfast for Mikayla and herself, then woke Mikayla and sent her to a press event that she’d forgotten about. Afterward, Miley decided to gather the dry-cleaning and make a grocery run, since Mikayla ate nearly every healthy thing in the house the night before. She walked into the bedroom to find Jake passed out on the bed, so she quietly retrieved button-down he’d worn last night. She noticed the strange mark on the collar while she emptied out the pockets, a reddish-pink smudge that might be anything, if not for the phone number in the front pocket.
She stood staring at it with her heart in her throat, eyes darting from the paper to the shirt and back again. Then the steely resolve of a seasoned superstar kicked in, and she calmly finished gathering the rest of the dry-cleaning, made a grocery list, and picked up the remains of last night’s sleepover. She left the house, texting and calling the whole way. She made an appointment with her lawyer for that afternoon, and texted Mikayla to meet her after the press junket. She asked Robby Ray, Oliver, and Jackson to each bring a truck to the loft after dark, since Jake left for Australia that afternoon, not scheduled to return for another two days. Miley texted Jake to get him ready to catch his flight, all the more eager for him to leave. She sent a text, then an email to Lilly, currently in Spain for a study abroad trip, asking her to call when she could. Of all the times for Lilly to leave, Miley thought bitterly.
After a very long afternoon, she met Mikayla at her father’s house and showed her the shirt. Fire flashed in Mikayla’s eyes and the two of them met the guys at the loft to help supervise the packing. Sarah arrived with Jackson, and Miley put her to work distracting Robby Ray from the new hunting rifle Uncle Earl sent for his birthday (complete with instructions for use on “Hollywood pretty boys”), now residing in his truck. Finally, two days later, everything of hers was gone from the loft, and other devious touches added courtesy of Mikayla, like switched hair products, light beer, and tofu dogs. She met him at the door with the shirt in one hand and the newly inked divorce papers in the other.
Looking back much later, she realized that their marriage was never everything she wanted. She felt devastated that he violated her trust, but more than anything, she felt like a failure for not holding it together, even though she didn’t love him anymore, and probably never really did. Even though it broke her heart, she never let him see her cry. She saved that for Lilly, who held her crying in the dark a week later, all the pain of a failed marriage pouring out before she fell asleep in Lilly’s arms, finally at peace. The next morning, Miley refused to cry anymore and started piecing back together her heart and her life.
She never allowed anyone else to see her cry. Mostly because she refused to give Leslie Ryan the satisfaction, but also because she never felt safe enough to fall apart with him. But the most basic reason was the lesson her father taught her so many years ago; cowgirls don’t cry. They get thrown off and hurt every now and then, some worse than others, but they keep getting back on. Cowgirls don’t cry, they just keep riding.
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She realized it during one of her weekly lunches with Mikayla, a couple of years after the divorce. As Mikayla rambled about the love of her week and the sparks between them, Miley realized she’d never felt that spark with any boy, not even Jake. When she asked Mikayla about it, she seemed shocked but not surprised, and Miley hated the look of dawning comprehension behind Mikayla’s eyes. Or the way her own stomach flipped more than her daddy’s pancakes when she thought about Lilly, and suddenly Miley realized that she did know a bit about the spark, because she felt it with Lilly.
During the week after the lunch date, which ended spectacularly thanks to Miley freaking out and acting like a total spaz, she thought long and hard about every lingering doubt and came to a few realizations. She was attracted to girls, and not in that bicurious, experimental way like some of Hannah’s friends; she’d only ever been attracted to girls. She pretended to obsess over boys to fit in with Lilly, and married Jake because she feared ending up alone. She knew that no one else understood her better than Lilly, and she’d never love anyone more than Lilly, and that scared Miley to her core.
She came out for the first time, both publicly and privately, to Mikayla the next week at lunch. Before she found the strength to even form the words she ended up sobbing in Mikayla’s arms in the middle of the cafe, Mikayla whispering words of comfort and reassurance. It shocked Miley to discover that Mikayla knew about both her identity and her loving Lilly since the divorce. She told her family next, and braced herself for the disapproval that, surprisingly, never came. Jackson and Sarah suspected for a while, and she blindsided Robby Ray, but Miley seemed more at ease and happy for the first time in a long time, and he’d do anything to see that dazzling smile. After Jackson and Sarah left, Robby Ray noticed something still off with Miley, and decided to find out why.
“Miley,” Robby Ray began gently, sitting on the couch next to her. “Bud, what’s wrong? You look so worried...” She looked up from the guitar she randomly strummed and picked and met her father’s eyes. “Yeah, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Daddy?”
“Yes darlin’?”
“What did Momma think...of people like me?” Her eyes fell to the acoustic in her lap, incredibly afraid of his response.
“Now bud,” Robby Ray started, heart breaking at the pain in her eyes. While he didn’t pretend to understand it, he’d never try to question, condemn, or change her. Suddenly a vivid memory came to mind.
“You kids were so little, you prolly don’t remember, but you ever heard’a Matthew Shepard?” he asked. “It sounds kinda familiar,” Miley replied. She really didn’t understand how this related to her question.
“He was a college kid in Wyoming, a couple years younger’n you are now. A couple’a rednecks decided they didn’t like that Matt was gay, so they lured ‘im out in the middle’a nowhere and robbed him, tied him to a fence post and pistol-whipped him and left ‘im there to die.” His voice gained more venom with every word. “A farmer found him the next evening and called 911, but he was already too far gone. He died four days later.”
Miley sat horrified and shocked, a desperate sadness matching her tears, and in that moment, he saw Susan beside him again, if only for a moment.
“It was back in ’98, I think October. You were six, almost seven, and Jackson was nine, and I came home from recording 'round dinnertime and your momma’s sittin’ there on the couch crying buckets. I asked her what was wrong, and she pointed to the TV she had on CNN. She was horrified, and so sad. We grew up bein’ taught that it was wrong, but your momma said that no one deserved anything like that, ever. She said that if one of you kids was gay that she’d love you the same, because it was wrong to make somethin’ that was about love into hate, that God taught us better'n that.”
He chanced a glance at his little girl, now twenty-three and all grown up, and pulled her into his arms. “Your momma woulda been so proud of who you grew up to be. She wanted you to be confident and courageous and chase all those big dreams, and you are. You do that everyday. Don’t ever think your momma’d be ashamed of you, because it just ain’t true. Don’t cry, bud. Everything’ll be okay.”
They sat on the couch for a few minutes, Robby Ray still holding her, trying to chase away her fears. “Thanks, Daddy,” she whispered, breaking their silence.
“How ‘bout we make some Loco Hot Cocoa?” He knew it’d cheer her up, and already he saw a slight smile reappear. As they mixed their concoctions, he gave her a sidelong glance and said, “So, you do know that just because you’re datin’ girls now doesn’t mean your dates are off the hook, right?” He smirked, “They still get to meet Daddy so I can make sure they’re good enough for my little girl.”
She laughed then, the first genuine one all day. “I hoped you’d forget about that,” she muttered darkly. “But I don’t think you can scare off girls like you did boys.”
“Probably not,” he admitted ruefully. “So, there a particular girl I need'ta know about?” Her eyes bulged as she choked on her first sip of cocoa. “Whoa,” he laughed. “Easy there bud.” He sat across from her at the table, staring her down over the mugs. “Well?”
Her eyes darted across the kitchen while she figeted. “There’s a girl, ain’t there Miles?”
“Yeah...” she muttered. “There’s a girl, but it’s never gonna happen.” He gave a disbelieving look, and she continued. “She loves me, but not the way I want her to.”
“Really now?” he questioned, eyebrows raised. One suspicion lingered in his mind, even before her comment, but he was almost sure now. “Why don’t you think so?”
“She’s really into guys,” Miley sighed. “They turn her head so fast sometimes I think she’ll get whiplash. There’s no way she’ll ever think of me as more than a best friend.” There it is, he thought. “Now this wouldn’t happen to be that crazy little blonde skater at Berkeley, would it?”
She sat speechlessly and he just smirked, and finally she rasped, “Daddy say what?!” He knew that she would make it through, and in his mind’s eye he saw Miley at seven, all arms and legs and wild curly hair, dusting off before remounting her horse and galloping off. He felt incredibly proud of her ability to get back up after she’d fallen, even if sometimes he worried that she learned that lesson a little too well. His little cowgirl was now a grown-up pop star loved by millions, teaching the world what he taught her years before: how to keep going even when it hurt, and how to follow your heart.
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An ill-fated reality show finally set things in motion. E! approached Mikayla about a show with her and Hannah, former frenemies, as roommates. They wanted to use it to launch Mikayla’s career even further, make her more famous than Hannah.
Mikayla, stunned into silence, went straight to the cafe to meet Miley for lunch. Miley laughed before she realized that Mikayla’s face remained deathly serious, then she panicked. The next day, E! called her requesting a meeting. That night, Mikayla met Miley at the Stewart’s to discuss it with her and Robby Ray. They decided to meet with the studio together and politely decline, citing that they got along too well to draw in ratings or viewer interest. Going in together also ensured no manipulation or fraud occurred. The network took it hard, but still wore strained smiles when they walked out.
They left the studio arm in arm, laughing at the A&R representative’s face when they declined. Upon arriving at Mikayla’s, they changed into sweats and watched movies. Afterward, Miley got up for more food; chocolate for her, and organic pickles for Mikayla.
“See, Kayla, this is why we couldn’t live together,” Miley laughed and walked back into the spacious living room. “Southern girl likes her some fried chicken.”
“I don’t know, you’ve always cooked my food well enough, and even liked it,” Mikayla retorted thoughtfully. “You know, maybe they were onto something, Miles.”
“They who?!” Miley snapped, eyes flashing dangerously. “E! Network. Why couldn’t we be roommates?” Mikayla asked while Miley repositioned herself on the couch.
“Diva say what?” Miley deadpanned. “Did I go to that meeting alone, Kay?”
“No, Miles, not Hannah and Mikayla for E! Network. Miley and Mikayla, friends moving in together. You haven’t lived on your own in, like...ever. You went straight from your dad’s to Jake’s and back to your dad’s after the divorce. It’s been two years, Miles, I think it’s time. Otherwise, you’ll wind up like the creepy old cat lady in a few years.”
Miley laughed, knowing she made a good point. The longer she thought about it, the more she realized that while she loved Mikayla, she’d always imagined doing this with Lilly. “I don’t know, Kayla, I mean, I’ll be leaving Daddy all alone and what about--”
“Miley Ray, it’s freaking time to think about yourself for once. Unless you don’t want to live with me,” Mikayla backtracked. Miley’s wounded expression gave her away. “I do, Mikayla, it’s just...I always thought I’d do that wit--”
“With Lilly,” Mikayla finished flatly. Lilly finished at Berkeley next month, and planned to move back to Malibu. Secretly, Mikayla wanted as much time as possible with Miley before then. She knew that, at the end of the day, for Miley it always came down to Lilly. “Kayla, I’m sorry,” Miley said desperately, and reached forward to touch Mikayla’s arm.
“No, it’s okay,” Mikayla smiled weakly, then shared an idea that could potentially drown them all. “Miles, what about inviting Lilly to share a place with us?” Risky idea, given her and Lilly’s history, which Miley knew, judging simply from her speechlessness. “No, listen Miles, she’ll need a place to live when she moves back, at least at first, and if we found a three-bedroom we’d each have our own space. Could you share a place with her?”
Miley thought about how hard it’d be, so close to Lilly and yet still so far away, but she knew she’d regret not seizing the opportunity. “Yeah, Kayla, I can. I’ll call her and ask.”
It took an entire week to convince Lilly to move in with them, and more than once Miley wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her for still hating Mikayla, even after all these years. Eventually Lilly agreed, and a month later she came to the bright, airy loft that Miley and Mikayla picked out, surrounded by boxes and suitcases. Robby Ray opened the door and saw Lilly, really saw her, for the first time all grown up, half-expecting her to come flying in on her skateboard. Surprisingly, he found himself disappointed when she didn’t, and upon looking at the grown woman before him, thought Miley’s heart was in the best hands he could hope for.
Miley spent the next day laying down album tracks in the studio, leaving Mikayla and Lilly alone together. Miley privately wondered how long they’d last before they blew up her phone with texts and calls, but they never came. That evening, walking through the living room (still a mess of boxes, guitars, and skateboards) to her room, she felt grateful that her two best friends and the love of her life lived down the hall, available anytime. She found them sitting cross-legged in Lilly’s room, sharing gluten-free M&Ms and laughing at old concert videos of Mikayla performing “If Cupid Had a Heart.” Miley leaned against the doorframe and took in the pleasant surprise of two alive, happy best friends, while Lilly and Mikayla shared a significant look. Mikayla stood up and dragged Miley back to the kitchen, only uttering four simple words: “Tell her, Miles, soon.”
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Another month passed before Miley worked up her nerve. For Valentine’s Day the girls decided to share a single girls’ night in. Mikayla wanted to surprise them with an organic meal, to prove to them that organic did taste good. They laughed at her insistence, until she kicked them both out with strict orders to not return until summoned, and to get dressed elsewhere. Unfortunately, neither saw the mischief in Mikayla’s eyes or smile.
Miley sat in on songwriting sessions with Robby Ray, and Lilly went surfing with Oliver, both expressing the frustration of the object of their affection living just down the hall. Mikayla invited Jackson and Sarah to decorate the loft with various sized candles and pink and white twinkle lights while she cooked. They made a romantic mix CD and lit the candles before Mikayla sent them out to their own dinner reservations. Miley and Lilly returned simultaneously, matching shock in their matching blue eyes. They also stared at each other, surprised at how beautiful the other girl looked. But the night held many more surprises in store.
“Hey, hope you like it,” Mikayla grinned. “Well, um, I’ll see you later...” she said, backing to the door in four-inch heels. Miley and Lilly each reached for one of Mikayla’s arms, trapping her in place.
“Sneaky roommate say what?” Miley snapped, eyes darting from Mikayla to Lilly, admiring how her dress hugged every curve. “Yeah, just where’dja you think you’re going?” Lilly piped up, noticing Miley’s expressive eyes even more than before.
“Well, remember Mitchie, my childhood best friend?” Miley nodded. “She’s here this weekend, looking for apartments. She’s moving here, and we joked about being Valentines, and...I’m taking her out and she’s spending the night here, if it’s okay. Sorry about ditching y’all,” Mikayla apologized, giving them a significant look. “But it’ll give you two the chance to talk.” The last word lingered ominously as she walked out the door.
“Well, I guess let’s eat before it gets cold,” Lilly laughed nervously. Miley grinned, naturally she’s worried about the food. They sat down and filled their plates.
“So...any callbacks yet?” Miley finally broke the silence. In the last month, Lilly sent resumes to nearly every magazine, newspaper, and media outlet in LA. “Yeah, a few,” Lilly responded, grateful for Miley’s distracting chatter. “A couple, but not my top choices. Got something really cool in the works, but I’m not sure yet.” Miley’s eyebrow quirked slightly, “Well?” Lilly exhaled nervously, “I’m talking to the LA offices for Rolling Stone. It’d be awesome because I’m used to being backstage, I love music, and it’s Rolling Stone. Seriously, how cool is that?”
Miley watched Lilly’s eyes dance excitedly, and easily saw her future within them. She took in her best friend, beautifully grown up but still with that adorable skater style, and thought about Mikayla ditching them so they could talk. “Miley? Hey there, Miles.”
“What? Sorry, I guess I spaced,” Miley blushed. “I hope Rolling Stone works out. Where else are you interviewing?” Lilly beamed, “I’ve got one Monday at Revolver, and one at the Advoc--,” she cut off abruptly, and her face suddenly paled. “Lilly, what’s wrong?”
“I-uh, nothing, um, I-I’m fine,” Lilly stuttered, eyes darting wildly. Miley didn’t believe her, but didn’t know how far to push. She hadn’t seen Lilly like this in a long time.
“So! Um, how’s recording going?” Lilly squeaked and tried to change the subject. “It’s okay...Lilly, you sure nothing’s wrong?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lilly confirmed, and she finally appeared to be. Miley fidgeted and pushed her food around, wanting both to tell Lilly and to run. How could she perform for thousands and still be so afraid?
Lilly noticed Miley’s squirming, and her body language screamed anxiety and fear. “You sure nothing’s wrong Miley?” Miley jumped at her next question. “Why’s it so awkward?” Lilly questioned, hurt betraying her brave face. “You not wanna be roommates, or...?”
Finally Miley couldn’t take the pain in Lilly’s eyes anymore. She took a deep breath and prepared for everything to change. “Lilly, I need to tell you something. Remember when we promised no more secrets?” Lilly nodded hesitantly, and Miley felt her trepidation. “Well, I’ve been keepin’ a big one. Lilly, a few months ago I had a conversation at lunch with Mikayla that really made me think. One thing led to another, and...well, anyway.” She laughed ruefully, encouraged by Lilly’s barely concealed smirk. “I never really loved Jake, Lilly. I’m not into guys like you, and I guess I’m tryin’ to say...I-I’m a lesbian. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, and if you can’t be my friend, I completely understand--”
“Miley,” Lilly cut her off with a bemused smile. “You really think that’d make me not be your friend? After everything we’ve been through?” Miley breathed again as Lilly confessed her own secret. “That interview? It’s at the Advocate.” Miley nodded until Lilly’s words finally dawned on her. “So that means--wait, what does that mean?”
“Well, straight people do work there, but...I’m bisexual. I’ve been keeping secrets, too. I’ve know since my sophomore year of college, actually. I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t know how you’d react.” Lilly weighed her next words carefully. “Hannah always seemed okay with it, but I didn’t know about Miley, and I know growing up in Tennessee with people telling you it’s wrong might make you believe it. I’m sorry I hid it for so long.”
Lilly looked down nervously as Miley reached across the table to take her hand. “It’s alright. It’s not an easy secret to tell," she sighed. "Want more cheesecake Lils?” Miley stood at the imperceptible nod and took their dishes into the kitchen. She tried to open the dishwasher, but found a note taped to the handle. “Miles & Lils, DON’T TOUCH THE DISHES! I’ll do them when I get home. Enjoy! Mikayla.” Miley laughed and reached for a small dessert plate, placing a single slice of cheesecake on it. She added two clean forks and brought it all to the table, then poured them both more champagne.
Miley sat next to Lilly this time to make it easier to share the cheesecake. “I still can’t believe Mikayla did all this,” Lilly murmured, catching Miley’s bright blue eyes only inches away from her own as she took a bite. “She just doesn’t seem the type.”
“Yeah, she acts like a bear, but she’s a big softie. Especially with her friends,” Miley laughed. “Plus it’s not like she did it outta the goodness of her heart. Little diva totally set us up.” Lilly gasped, eyes wide and Miley realized what she said. “Uh, I mean--”
“Explain. Now.” Lilly’s eyes held an intoxicating mix of fear and hope beneath the unshed tears. Miley cradled Lilly’s cheek, wiping away the tear that made its way down. “She did this because she wanted us to talk, wanted me to tell you the truth.”
“And that would be, what exactly?” Lilly whispered brokenly as Miley leaned forward.
“That I love you, Lilly,” Miley whispered, lips inches from each other and their foreheads touching. “Since I was thirteen, when you found out about Hannah, and our fight in the Hannah closet. Remember?” Lilly nodded. “I was afraid and upset, but you said you wanted Miley when you were upset, not Hannah. I remember hugging you and thinking I was lucky to have you. I’ve loved you for ten years, and I always will.” Miley’s hands threaded through Lilly’s hair as the tears fell. “Please don’t cry,” she breathed, tilting her face down to kiss away the tears. “Lilly, say somethin’, please, anything.”
“Miles,” Lilly rasped. “I love you...you have no idea how much.” She leaned down and finally captured Miley’s lips with hers. They both moaned upon contact, and it was the first kiss Miley always wanted, gentle but passionate. The kiss deepened almost instantly, and both became aware of the lack of oxygen and their awkward position. Miley broke away gasping for air, and stood abruptly, pulling Lilly with her. Once standing, she leaned in again, pinning Lilly to the wall with ravenous kisses. Lilly’s nails grazed her scalp, sending arousal cascading into every nerve, until Lilly shifted slightly, pressing her thigh between Miley’s legs and suckling her earlobe. “Sweet niblets, Lilly,” she moaned, sliding her hands underneath the hem of Lilly’s open-back dress. “Miley,” Lilly whimpered, more aroused than ever before. “Miles, slow down,” Lilly pulled away, grabbing Miley’s hands into her own. Miley gave Lilly her puppy dog face, bruised lips and all. Lilly laughed and pulled Miley’s into her arms. “I thought you wanted this,” Miley mumbled into Lilly’s shoulder. Lilly’s heart swelled at Miley’s husky, yet vulnerable tone.
“I do,” Lilly rasped into her ear. “More than anything, but this won’t be the only time; just the first. I’ve wanted this for years, Miley. I wanna slow down and love you the way you deserve. We’ve got all night, and the rest of our lives.” A strangled cry echoed in the loft as Miley trembled in her arms. “Shh, it’s okay, Miles. Don’t cry. It doesn’t have to hurt anymore.” Once she calmed down, Lilly tilted her chin up to kiss her, the most gentle kiss of the evening. Before the kiss deepened, Lilly broke away and led Miley into her bedroom, shedding their clothes completely before falling into bed and into each other.
As Mitchie and Mikayla stumbled into the loft late that night (or early the next morning), Mikayla kicked off her heels and surveyed the kitchen and table. “Mickie, let’s go to bed, we’ll clean tomorrow,” Mitchie whined. “Wait, there’s a message.” She groaned loudly as Mikayla hit the button, and Robby Ray’s voice filled the silence. “Hey Miles, it’s Dad. Just callin’ to check in, make sure you’re okay, bein’ Valentine’s Day and all. I know, not helpin'. Mikayla said you had plans, but still. Gimme a call in the mornin’. Love ya bud.”
Mikayla smiled slightly at his concern. She grabbed Mitchie by the hand and led her down the hall, nearly passing Miley’s room until she noticed the open door. She slipped inside and a small, slow smile tugged her lips at the sight of Miley and Lilly hopelessly tangled in the sheets and each other, their clothes in a scattered heap on the floor.
Slender arms circled her waist, and she automatically relaxed back into Mitchie’s embrace. “So it worked, huh?” Mitchie whispered in her ear, causing her to shiver slightly. “Yeah,” Mikayla sighed, lost in the sight before her and the arms around her. “About damn time.” Mitchie laughed, the loud, larger-than-life cackle Mikayla loved so much, flinching as the sound echoed around the sleeping girls. “Hmmm,” Mitchie smirked and pulled Mikayla back into the hall. “No wonder they didn’t hear the phone.”
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Miley’s life changed forever at four in the morning when she rolled over to answer the phone, trying in vain not to wake her sleeping wife. Miley slept lighter than usual lately, the stress of producing three new artists, the new school routine for the kids, and her father’s deteriorating condition all taking their toll.
Lilly stirred and sat up sleepily, disoriented by the ringing phone and the loss of her wife’s touch. The exhaustion faded completely when she listened closer to Miley’s tone, radiating pain and panic. Lilly slid an arm around Miley’s toned torso, still flat even after giving birth to two of their children, and pulled Miley into her arms, feeling her instinctively lean into the touch. Miley turned slightly and whispered, “It’s Aunt Dolly. It’s bad, Lil. She said I need to come home.” Lilly’s heart sunk, aware both of what it meant and what Miley would attempt to shoulder by herself. “She said he wants to talk to me.”
Miley’s eyes focused on Lilly in the darkness, the overhead fan and Miley’s uneven breathing the only sounds in their bedroom. She felt Lilly’s other hand, the one not holding her close, reach around and pull the phone slightly away, long enough to hit the speaker button. While anyone else would be appalled at the apparent invasion of privacy, Miley was secretly glad. It showed exactly how well Lilly knew her, that despite everything she said, she couldn’t do this on her own. She felt the slight tremble in Lilly’s touch, and she knew Lilly also did it for herself. Robby Ray filled the role of Lilly’s father in every way that mattered, since they were thirteen. They both knew they were about to hear his last words. Miley couldn’t imagine life after he was gone.
Becoming a mother sharpened her focus on the emotional toll of losing both a parent and a partner. Losing her mother at eleven changed Miley forever. While the raw pain faded long ago, the overwhelming sense of loss sprang up during the oddest times. Preparing for her senior prom, in the bridal room at her and Lilly’s wedding. During her pregnancy with their first child, she felt it more than ever. Lilly cutting the cord and handing Miley their little girl felt like both the happiest and saddest moment of her life. Spencer inherited Lilly’s blonde hair and their matching blue eyes, and Miley wondered what advice Susan might’ve shared, whether Spencer would’ve called her “Mamaw,” or “Nana.” Miley also really saw her father’s strength, quiet and unassuming through the years. She sat on the beach watching Spencer run with Lilly into the waves, and allowed her mind to wander. She couldn’t imagine losing Lilly and raising Spencer on her own, always seeing Lilly in her daughter. She couldn’t imagine not holding Lilly close at night, hand splayed protectively over Lilly’s flat stomach, not yet showing signs of the life growing inside. He probably felt more lonely than Miley and Jackson ever realized.
It grew easier over time, and when Lilly gave birth to the twins, the bittersweet happiness only lingered in the background. Carter and Cash loved Robby Ray’s fishing trips and football games, and Spencer kept him wrapped around her finger, much like Miley herself always did. Her father’s illness finally showed itself when Miley gave birth to their youngest child, fifteen months before. She slept off the exhaustion, Lilly rocking their newborn little girl to sleep beside her while Robby Ray limped into the room, gasping and coughing up blood. Miley threatened to put him in a bed next to her, and Lilly called Cedars-Sinai’s best pulmonologist while he gazed adoringly at little Sadie. When Lilly took Sadie and Miley for their six-week OB/GYN visit, Robby Ray began chemotherapy for stage three lung cancer, so advanced that the doctors gave up hope.
The chemotherapy failed, and the doctors attempted radiation next. That didn’t work either, and the cancer spread so aggressively that surgery would cause more harm than good. Knowing what lay ahead, he spent time with his kids, staying for two months at Jackson and Sarah’s with their two sons, and six weeks with Miley and Lilly and their four children. He spent lots of time with Cash and Carter, teaching them everything boys should learn from their grandfathers, and little Sadie, whom he knew he’d never see grow past her toddler years. He taught Spencer how to play guitar, and she proudly showed off a composition book full of her own song lyrics. Spencer was a perfect blend of Miley and Lilly, but in those moments he only saw Miley, with her brilliant mega-watt smile and willingness to do anything for those she loved.
His final full day at the Truscott-Stewart house, he took Spencer to an empty place on the beach about a mile from the house. She feigned boredom until Robby Ray walked her over to the horses, and then beamed with excitement; she and Miley went riding a few times before, but since Sadie’s arrival she didn’t have the time. She mounted the horse all on her own, and Robby Ray rode alongside to teach her to control the reigns. She did better at this age than Miley, which he attributed to Lilly’s natural athleticism. Spencer asked about her Mama at age seven, and did she like to ride horses, sing, play basketball and skateboard like she did? Robby Ray laughed and shared stories from Miley’s childhood, and the advice he gave Miley at Spencer’s age.
Miley, meanwhile, wandered down the beach with Sadie. Sometimes walking Sadie along the water soothed her to sleep, and Miley simultaneously explored various parts of the beach. She knew her father brought Spencer out there somewhere, but she never expected to find them. She saw them in the distance, however, trotting horseback down the beach. The tears burned her eyes, and she thought of Spencer learning the same things from her father that she did at that age. She kept walking, close enough to listen to their conversation, and nothing prepared her for what she heard.
“Cowgirls don’t cry. Even when it hurts, right Papaw?” Spencer beamed. Robby Ray fought to hold back his tears, the sadness of never seeing Spencer grow up mixing with the knowledge that his passing would be the first thing to break her innocent little heart.
“Mama! What’re you doing here?” Spencer jumped down off the horse and ran over to Miley, hugging her sideways to avoid disturbing Sadie in her sling. “She gets quieter when I walk her along the ocean,” she explained. “I swear, if I have another surfer girl I’m gonna kill Lilly.” Miley laughed, but he noticed it never quite meet her eyes.
He flew next morning to Tennessee, to spend time with Bobby Ray, Aunt Pearl and Uncle Earl, Mamaw, Dolly and the rest of the family. He planned to stay one month, then fly home to LA. He’d been there two weeks, and felt better for the first time in a while. Even unable to talk anymore without gasping, he called both Miley and Jackson nearly every day. He began coughing blood one night, and stayed in bed the next three days. Aunt Pearl and Dolly took turns watching him and updating the kids. Finally, the time came when he was weak and exhausted, and generally didn’t have the strength to keep fighting anymore. Dolly called Jackson first, then Miley. Robby Ray talked to Jackson for a couple of minutes, and fell asleep again while she called Miley. He woke up again when he heard Miley’s name.
“Need...” he rasped, “talk...Miles...” He wanted her to be okay. Jackson didn’t count on him quite the way Miley did. She told Miley that he wanted to talk to her.
“Hey bud,” his voice even weaker in his struggle to speak. “Daddy,” Miley’s voice broke through the static of the phone line and the fog in his mind. Four in the morning Malibu time, and she sat bleary-eyed in Lilly’s arms. “Daddy,” Miley pleaded. “I’m coming, Daddy, I’ll fly out and arrive before you know it,” Miley rambled until he cut her off.
“Is Lilly with you?” He asked, making sure Miley wasn’t alone. “Yeah,” Lilly spoke, “I’m right here.” She met Miley’s eyes, and she caught the double meaning of Lilly’s words.
“Now, you take care of my little girl,” he rasped, attempting to laugh, but coughing instead. “Yep, like I promised ten years ago,” Lilly grinned sadly. Miley’s tears streamed down her cheeks in the dark, the glow of the phone the only indication of anything wrong. “You too, Miles. Make sure Lilly gets on that plane safe,” Robby Ray joked, trying to infuse some humor. “Okay, Daddy,” her voice finally cracked, betraying her tears.
“You’re all grown up Miles, with little girls of your own,” he whispered, emotion seeping into his fading voice. “Cowgirl, please don’t cry. Keep ridin’ on. Keep hangin’ on, baby girl. Life’s lessons show us all in time, and too soon God’ll let you know why. If you fall off, get right back on. The good Lord calls everyone home, cowgirl, don’t cry.”
They heard rustling in the background when Dolly picked the up the phone. “He’s tired, so tired,” she whispered. “Please come home, Miley.” Immediately after Dolly hung up, she turned to Lilly, “Call Oliver. I’ll call Kayla.” She called Jackson first, though, and discovered him and Sarah prepared to leave for their own flight to Tennessee.
The next hour the Truscott-Stewart house buzzed with activity. Oliver and Joanie arrived to take Carter and Cash, since they lived ten minutes away and took them to preschool along with their youngest son. Oliver held Lilly for a few minutes while she cried against his shirt, then Lilly booked two tickets for Knoxville. Miley called Mikayla, waking her and Mitchie, who arrived, bags packed, to stay with Spencer and Sadie an hour later.
Mikayla reached forward and hugged Miley for just a moment, long enough to whisper, “You’re okay. Eventually it’ll be okay. Call us, I don’t care what time, and we’ll hop the first plane.” She pulled back and laughed loud enough for everyone to hear, “This’ll be good practice.” Mitchie laughed and slid her arms around Mikayla, one hand resting on Mikayla’s slightly rounded stomach. “Take care of her,” Mitchie told Lilly, placing her hand on Lilly’s arm, “and yourself. Don’t forget, call anytime.”
The flight seemed exceedingly long to Miley, who squirmed restlessly in her window seat while Lilly took out her iPod and listened to her latest assignment, a new punk band called The Midnight Rain. An hour into the flight, Lilly leaned over and rested her hand on Miley’s thigh, instantly calming her. Once they landed, they collected their luggage and headed for Starbucks, getting coffee before going off the map to Miley’s hometown. On the hour-long drive, they called Mikayla to check in with them and check up on Spencer and Sadie. Mikayla and Mitchie decided that, when the time came, they’d pick up the boys and fly with the kids to Knoxville, so they could be with family.
The girls arrived on Mamaw’s farm by late afternoon, given the time difference, and discovered Robby Ray hooked to various machines in the guest bedroom in the back of the house. Miley recognized it as the same one she and her cousins stayed in as children. Lilly took their things while Miley sat in the chair next to her father’s bed. Jackson, who had arrived two hours before, knelt down beside her on the floor.
“Miles,” he said gently, “you know he’s not just asleep, right?”
“Yeah,” Miley whispered, and finally met his eyes. “But I keep tellin’ myself that he’s asleep ’cause then I know he’ll wake up.” Her voice cracked and she buried her face in her hands. “Jackson, it’s so surreal. Why’d this happen? What now? We buried one parent before puberty and now...we’re not even forty, and Daddy...” Miley slid out of the chair and onto the floor, and Jackson wrapped his arms around his sobbing little sister.
Over the next two days, Robby Ray intermittently regained consciousness, but never for long, and he never spoke. The hospice nurses told the family that he wouldn’t last through the night, so everyone sat in his room and the hallway, comforting each other and telling stories. Lilly and Sarah sat in the hallway laughing while Jackson and Miley talked about him answering the door for the UPS guy with foil in his hair singing Hannah Montana’s latest hit. He stirred slightly, and the whole room fell silent. The hospice nurses held back to allow the family space and time. Jackson and Miley locked eyes and stepped forward to either side of their father’s bed, each taking one of his hands.
“It’s okay to let go,” Jackson murmured. “I love you Dad.” Miley held tightly to her father’s hand, her only anchor in the moment. “Love you, Daddy,” she whispered, “and thanks for givin’ everything for my dreams. Betcha can’t wait to see Momma.” She chuckled slightly before she kissed him on the cheek, followed by Jackson. And as the machines sounded around her, she refused to cry. There’d be time for that later, back in California, but not right now. His final words were a plea for her not to be afraid; he’d be okay and if she got up and keep on going, so would she. After all, cowgirls don’t cry.
Pairing: Liley, slight Jiley, Mikayla/Mitchie (of "Camp Rock"), others
Rating/Warnings: PG-13/canon character death
Word Count: 8187
Spoilers: "Acky Jakey Heart, Pt. 2" & "That's What Friends Are For?"
Disclaimer: see journal sidebar
A/N: Miley-centric; somewhat of a songfic to "Cowgirls Don't Cry" by country artists Brooks and Dunn featuring Reba McIntyre. Slightly AU; Miley and Jake didn't break up in "Acky Jakey Heart, Pt. 2," and Miley took Mikayla up on her offer in "That's What Friends Are For?" This is the story from which "Soup, Salads, and Secrets" was born. Also, this is a femslash story, so if that's not your thing, then either open your mind or hit the "back" button. Please comment and be extremely honest, even if it sucks.
Summary: She was the youngest and Daddy's little girl, and while all he ever wanted was for her to be happy, he needed to teach her how to be strong even when she wasn't.
Before Miley dreamed of becoming a rock star, she dreamed of the same thing many other little girls dream of: owning her very own horse. Growing up in Tennessee, she knew she wanted to ride in the rodeo, like the older barrel racer girls she watched every year at the stockyards. If she got her own horse, she could be just like them, and maybe even get the chance to sing the national anthem before the start of the show, like her idol Reba McIntyre did. For her seventh birthday, her father finally broke down and bought her one. Soon after, he taught her to ride, and taught her about life.
“There you go bud, hold the reigns, nice and steady...” Robby Ray called out, watching Miley ride around the dirt ring behind the barn. She reached to stop, but like nearly every time before, the horse threw her to the ground, and she landed in a heap of wild auburn curls, arms, and legs. He ran over, and she buried her face in her hands.
“Miles, you alright? Are you hurt?” Robby Ray quickly looked her over and relaxed visibly at the lack of broken bones. Susan would throw him in the hay baler without batting an eye if something happened to Miley. “A little,” she whimpered. “It’s too hard!”
“Now listen here bud,” he began, crouching down in the dirt beside her. “Don’t cry now, okay? You wanna be a cowgirl?” She nodded, furiously wiping away the tears still falling down her cheeks. Even at seven, she didn’t like showing her emotions like other girls.
“Well, cowgirls don’t cry Miles,” Robby Ray said, unwittingly laying the groundwork for Miley’s future. “You’ve gotta keep on riding. Lessons in life’ll show you in time just how important that is, and soon enough you’ll know why. It’ll hurt every now and then, but when ya fall down ya hafta get back up again. Know why Miley?”
“Because cowgirls don’t cry,” she finished for him, tears now gone and replaced with a glowing happiness and that familiar mega-watt smile. His heart skipped slightly at the site, and he knew that smile just might finish off whoever captured her heart.
He ruffled her wild auburn curls and said, “Whaddaya say we ride around one more time, then go inside for some Loco Hot Cocoa? And I betcha Momma’s still got some of those gingerbread cookies...”
“Yeah, if Jackson ain’t ate ‘em all already,” she giggled. “Okay, one more time.”
As she rode around one more time, she lingered on his words. A precocious child, she knew he meant more than riding, but couldn’t wrap her little mind around it, so she focused on what she did understand. She might fall, and it might hurt, but she needed to get back on and keep riding. And most important of all, cowgirls don’t cry.
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By the time she moved to Malibu, her life took more twists and turns than any horse ride. At fourteen, Hannah Montana reigned as the country’s hottest pop star, and Miley knew nothing would ever be the same. She still didn’t know if she liked that or not. Things would be so different if her mother was still alive, but she died just eight months before the label executives started pursuing in her, three months after Miley’s eleventh birthday. Once she realized that recording and touring took up more time from school than she could afford, they decided to move to California and balance school around her career. Hannah Montana came to life on a flight from Nashville to LAX, when Miley expressed the fear of losing a normal life after remembering her father’s fame. So far she was a raging success, and Miley hung on for the wild ride.
When she started school that fall in Malibu, she made two lifelong best friends, Oliver and Lilly. They knew nothing of life outside of California, but still showed incredible kindness to the new girl. Oliver was a typical dorky boy, but Lilly...was really into boys, oddly enough, especially for a tomboy skater. Miley thought Lilly just noticed boys from spending so much time with them at the skate park, the same way she noticed girls more from all her years barrel racing. Sure, tons of guys hung around the rodeo, bull and bronco riders, but they were at least ten years older than her at the time and they all started to look alike after a while. Either way, she’d never met anyone quite like Lilly.
Time went on, and they learned Miley’s secret, and Lola Lufnagle became a continuous presence backstage. Lilly and Miley’s Friday movie night sleepovers became a frequent occurrence also, and at one of the sleepovers, about a year and a half after they became friends, Miley finally told Lilly about life as a rodeo girl.
They’d watched “A League of Their Own,” which Miley had never seen. As Lilly’s favorite scene flashed across the screen, Miley’s mind traveled back to Tennessee, and heard her father’s words once again.
The rest of the movie faded into the background while Miley stayed lost in her thoughts. She didn’t notice that the movie ended until Lilly asked what she wanted to watch next. “Oh, I don’t care,” Miley replied, “just pick whatever.” Lilly, however, noticed her distraction and returned to the couch instead of picking another movie.
“What’re ya thinking about Miles?” Lilly’s head tilted slightly and Miley’s heart sped up a little at her best friend’s adorable gesture. However, Miley’s earlier thoughts still consumed her too much to really think about it.
“Just...the movie reminded me of something my dad used'ta tell me when I was little,” Miley answered, a little unsure of what Lilly might think of her rodeo days.
“What was that?” Lilly questioned again, confusion marring her beautiful features and creating a cute frown line between her eyes. Miley smiled, “your favorite scene, when the coach tells them ‘there’s no crying in baseball.’ My daddy used to tell me that.”
“Wow Miles, your Dad's weirder than I thought,” Lilly smirked, eyebrow raised.
“No Lils, I meant that he’d tell me that cowgirls don’t cry,” Miley laughed. Seeing her confusion, Miley continued, “I used’ta be a barrel racer. Daddy got me my first pony and taught me to ride when I was seven, and when I fell off he’d tell me that cowgirls don’t cry, and that even when I fell I had'ta get back on and keep riding, even when it hurt. He said that life lessons would eventually show me how important it was.”
“Wow, Miles,” Lilly laughed lightly, trying to grasp the meaning of what Miley just shared.
“You know, Lils,” Miley hesitated, the thoughts turning anew in her mind, “I finally get what he was tryin’ to say. He meant that life would throw me in the dirt sometimes, and that I had to pick myself up and get back on, even when it hurts too much. That you can’t stop long enough to cry, but you hafta to keep riding.”
They both sat in silence now, reflecting on Robby Ray’s words from years ago. Miley stayed so consumed in her own thoughts that she never noticed Lilly staring at her in a way that might consume them both, questions in her eyes and a distinct feeling that something shifted between them. Even if neither girl knew what that shift might mean.
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She met who she thought was the love of her life shortly after turning fourteen. Jake Ryan was the next big thing, an actor nearly at Hannah’s level of fame. She saw through his ego and into the person underneath, and he adored her. Not Hannah, but Miley. She married him at age nineteen, and who really cared if she didn’t feel fireworks? He loved her, and what else really mattered?
Until she began to want more. Two years passed, and she wanted a home and family, not the cold open loft that Jake insisted on buying to show off their wealth. He enjoyed his inclusion in the Top 25 Under 25 far more than her, and their marriage suffered.
While he went out every night with his costars and entourage, she stayed home and played midnight Rock Band marathons with Mikayla, who surprisingly became her closest friend after Lilly. Lilly lived on-campus at Berkeley, but when she came in for holidays or summer she remained a permanent fixture for Friday movie nights and sleepovers at the loft. Jake pulled away from her, and Miley pulled further into herself.
One Saturday morning she woke up and fixed breakfast for Mikayla and herself, then woke Mikayla and sent her to a press event that she’d forgotten about. Afterward, Miley decided to gather the dry-cleaning and make a grocery run, since Mikayla ate nearly every healthy thing in the house the night before. She walked into the bedroom to find Jake passed out on the bed, so she quietly retrieved button-down he’d worn last night. She noticed the strange mark on the collar while she emptied out the pockets, a reddish-pink smudge that might be anything, if not for the phone number in the front pocket.
She stood staring at it with her heart in her throat, eyes darting from the paper to the shirt and back again. Then the steely resolve of a seasoned superstar kicked in, and she calmly finished gathering the rest of the dry-cleaning, made a grocery list, and picked up the remains of last night’s sleepover. She left the house, texting and calling the whole way. She made an appointment with her lawyer for that afternoon, and texted Mikayla to meet her after the press junket. She asked Robby Ray, Oliver, and Jackson to each bring a truck to the loft after dark, since Jake left for Australia that afternoon, not scheduled to return for another two days. Miley texted Jake to get him ready to catch his flight, all the more eager for him to leave. She sent a text, then an email to Lilly, currently in Spain for a study abroad trip, asking her to call when she could. Of all the times for Lilly to leave, Miley thought bitterly.
After a very long afternoon, she met Mikayla at her father’s house and showed her the shirt. Fire flashed in Mikayla’s eyes and the two of them met the guys at the loft to help supervise the packing. Sarah arrived with Jackson, and Miley put her to work distracting Robby Ray from the new hunting rifle Uncle Earl sent for his birthday (complete with instructions for use on “Hollywood pretty boys”), now residing in his truck. Finally, two days later, everything of hers was gone from the loft, and other devious touches added courtesy of Mikayla, like switched hair products, light beer, and tofu dogs. She met him at the door with the shirt in one hand and the newly inked divorce papers in the other.
Looking back much later, she realized that their marriage was never everything she wanted. She felt devastated that he violated her trust, but more than anything, she felt like a failure for not holding it together, even though she didn’t love him anymore, and probably never really did. Even though it broke her heart, she never let him see her cry. She saved that for Lilly, who held her crying in the dark a week later, all the pain of a failed marriage pouring out before she fell asleep in Lilly’s arms, finally at peace. The next morning, Miley refused to cry anymore and started piecing back together her heart and her life.
She never allowed anyone else to see her cry. Mostly because she refused to give Leslie Ryan the satisfaction, but also because she never felt safe enough to fall apart with him. But the most basic reason was the lesson her father taught her so many years ago; cowgirls don’t cry. They get thrown off and hurt every now and then, some worse than others, but they keep getting back on. Cowgirls don’t cry, they just keep riding.
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She realized it during one of her weekly lunches with Mikayla, a couple of years after the divorce. As Mikayla rambled about the love of her week and the sparks between them, Miley realized she’d never felt that spark with any boy, not even Jake. When she asked Mikayla about it, she seemed shocked but not surprised, and Miley hated the look of dawning comprehension behind Mikayla’s eyes. Or the way her own stomach flipped more than her daddy’s pancakes when she thought about Lilly, and suddenly Miley realized that she did know a bit about the spark, because she felt it with Lilly.
During the week after the lunch date, which ended spectacularly thanks to Miley freaking out and acting like a total spaz, she thought long and hard about every lingering doubt and came to a few realizations. She was attracted to girls, and not in that bicurious, experimental way like some of Hannah’s friends; she’d only ever been attracted to girls. She pretended to obsess over boys to fit in with Lilly, and married Jake because she feared ending up alone. She knew that no one else understood her better than Lilly, and she’d never love anyone more than Lilly, and that scared Miley to her core.
She came out for the first time, both publicly and privately, to Mikayla the next week at lunch. Before she found the strength to even form the words she ended up sobbing in Mikayla’s arms in the middle of the cafe, Mikayla whispering words of comfort and reassurance. It shocked Miley to discover that Mikayla knew about both her identity and her loving Lilly since the divorce. She told her family next, and braced herself for the disapproval that, surprisingly, never came. Jackson and Sarah suspected for a while, and she blindsided Robby Ray, but Miley seemed more at ease and happy for the first time in a long time, and he’d do anything to see that dazzling smile. After Jackson and Sarah left, Robby Ray noticed something still off with Miley, and decided to find out why.
“Miley,” Robby Ray began gently, sitting on the couch next to her. “Bud, what’s wrong? You look so worried...” She looked up from the guitar she randomly strummed and picked and met her father’s eyes. “Yeah, I’ve just got a lot on my mind. Daddy?”
“Yes darlin’?”
“What did Momma think...of people like me?” Her eyes fell to the acoustic in her lap, incredibly afraid of his response.
“Now bud,” Robby Ray started, heart breaking at the pain in her eyes. While he didn’t pretend to understand it, he’d never try to question, condemn, or change her. Suddenly a vivid memory came to mind.
“You kids were so little, you prolly don’t remember, but you ever heard’a Matthew Shepard?” he asked. “It sounds kinda familiar,” Miley replied. She really didn’t understand how this related to her question.
“He was a college kid in Wyoming, a couple years younger’n you are now. A couple’a rednecks decided they didn’t like that Matt was gay, so they lured ‘im out in the middle’a nowhere and robbed him, tied him to a fence post and pistol-whipped him and left ‘im there to die.” His voice gained more venom with every word. “A farmer found him the next evening and called 911, but he was already too far gone. He died four days later.”
Miley sat horrified and shocked, a desperate sadness matching her tears, and in that moment, he saw Susan beside him again, if only for a moment.
“It was back in ’98, I think October. You were six, almost seven, and Jackson was nine, and I came home from recording 'round dinnertime and your momma’s sittin’ there on the couch crying buckets. I asked her what was wrong, and she pointed to the TV she had on CNN. She was horrified, and so sad. We grew up bein’ taught that it was wrong, but your momma said that no one deserved anything like that, ever. She said that if one of you kids was gay that she’d love you the same, because it was wrong to make somethin’ that was about love into hate, that God taught us better'n that.”
He chanced a glance at his little girl, now twenty-three and all grown up, and pulled her into his arms. “Your momma woulda been so proud of who you grew up to be. She wanted you to be confident and courageous and chase all those big dreams, and you are. You do that everyday. Don’t ever think your momma’d be ashamed of you, because it just ain’t true. Don’t cry, bud. Everything’ll be okay.”
They sat on the couch for a few minutes, Robby Ray still holding her, trying to chase away her fears. “Thanks, Daddy,” she whispered, breaking their silence.
“How ‘bout we make some Loco Hot Cocoa?” He knew it’d cheer her up, and already he saw a slight smile reappear. As they mixed their concoctions, he gave her a sidelong glance and said, “So, you do know that just because you’re datin’ girls now doesn’t mean your dates are off the hook, right?” He smirked, “They still get to meet Daddy so I can make sure they’re good enough for my little girl.”
She laughed then, the first genuine one all day. “I hoped you’d forget about that,” she muttered darkly. “But I don’t think you can scare off girls like you did boys.”
“Probably not,” he admitted ruefully. “So, there a particular girl I need'ta know about?” Her eyes bulged as she choked on her first sip of cocoa. “Whoa,” he laughed. “Easy there bud.” He sat across from her at the table, staring her down over the mugs. “Well?”
Her eyes darted across the kitchen while she figeted. “There’s a girl, ain’t there Miles?”
“Yeah...” she muttered. “There’s a girl, but it’s never gonna happen.” He gave a disbelieving look, and she continued. “She loves me, but not the way I want her to.”
“Really now?” he questioned, eyebrows raised. One suspicion lingered in his mind, even before her comment, but he was almost sure now. “Why don’t you think so?”
“She’s really into guys,” Miley sighed. “They turn her head so fast sometimes I think she’ll get whiplash. There’s no way she’ll ever think of me as more than a best friend.” There it is, he thought. “Now this wouldn’t happen to be that crazy little blonde skater at Berkeley, would it?”
She sat speechlessly and he just smirked, and finally she rasped, “Daddy say what?!” He knew that she would make it through, and in his mind’s eye he saw Miley at seven, all arms and legs and wild curly hair, dusting off before remounting her horse and galloping off. He felt incredibly proud of her ability to get back up after she’d fallen, even if sometimes he worried that she learned that lesson a little too well. His little cowgirl was now a grown-up pop star loved by millions, teaching the world what he taught her years before: how to keep going even when it hurt, and how to follow your heart.
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An ill-fated reality show finally set things in motion. E! approached Mikayla about a show with her and Hannah, former frenemies, as roommates. They wanted to use it to launch Mikayla’s career even further, make her more famous than Hannah.
Mikayla, stunned into silence, went straight to the cafe to meet Miley for lunch. Miley laughed before she realized that Mikayla’s face remained deathly serious, then she panicked. The next day, E! called her requesting a meeting. That night, Mikayla met Miley at the Stewart’s to discuss it with her and Robby Ray. They decided to meet with the studio together and politely decline, citing that they got along too well to draw in ratings or viewer interest. Going in together also ensured no manipulation or fraud occurred. The network took it hard, but still wore strained smiles when they walked out.
They left the studio arm in arm, laughing at the A&R representative’s face when they declined. Upon arriving at Mikayla’s, they changed into sweats and watched movies. Afterward, Miley got up for more food; chocolate for her, and organic pickles for Mikayla.
“See, Kayla, this is why we couldn’t live together,” Miley laughed and walked back into the spacious living room. “Southern girl likes her some fried chicken.”
“I don’t know, you’ve always cooked my food well enough, and even liked it,” Mikayla retorted thoughtfully. “You know, maybe they were onto something, Miles.”
“They who?!” Miley snapped, eyes flashing dangerously. “E! Network. Why couldn’t we be roommates?” Mikayla asked while Miley repositioned herself on the couch.
“Diva say what?” Miley deadpanned. “Did I go to that meeting alone, Kay?”
“No, Miles, not Hannah and Mikayla for E! Network. Miley and Mikayla, friends moving in together. You haven’t lived on your own in, like...ever. You went straight from your dad’s to Jake’s and back to your dad’s after the divorce. It’s been two years, Miles, I think it’s time. Otherwise, you’ll wind up like the creepy old cat lady in a few years.”
Miley laughed, knowing she made a good point. The longer she thought about it, the more she realized that while she loved Mikayla, she’d always imagined doing this with Lilly. “I don’t know, Kayla, I mean, I’ll be leaving Daddy all alone and what about--”
“Miley Ray, it’s freaking time to think about yourself for once. Unless you don’t want to live with me,” Mikayla backtracked. Miley’s wounded expression gave her away. “I do, Mikayla, it’s just...I always thought I’d do that wit--”
“With Lilly,” Mikayla finished flatly. Lilly finished at Berkeley next month, and planned to move back to Malibu. Secretly, Mikayla wanted as much time as possible with Miley before then. She knew that, at the end of the day, for Miley it always came down to Lilly. “Kayla, I’m sorry,” Miley said desperately, and reached forward to touch Mikayla’s arm.
“No, it’s okay,” Mikayla smiled weakly, then shared an idea that could potentially drown them all. “Miles, what about inviting Lilly to share a place with us?” Risky idea, given her and Lilly’s history, which Miley knew, judging simply from her speechlessness. “No, listen Miles, she’ll need a place to live when she moves back, at least at first, and if we found a three-bedroom we’d each have our own space. Could you share a place with her?”
Miley thought about how hard it’d be, so close to Lilly and yet still so far away, but she knew she’d regret not seizing the opportunity. “Yeah, Kayla, I can. I’ll call her and ask.”
It took an entire week to convince Lilly to move in with them, and more than once Miley wanted to reach through the phone and strangle her for still hating Mikayla, even after all these years. Eventually Lilly agreed, and a month later she came to the bright, airy loft that Miley and Mikayla picked out, surrounded by boxes and suitcases. Robby Ray opened the door and saw Lilly, really saw her, for the first time all grown up, half-expecting her to come flying in on her skateboard. Surprisingly, he found himself disappointed when she didn’t, and upon looking at the grown woman before him, thought Miley’s heart was in the best hands he could hope for.
Miley spent the next day laying down album tracks in the studio, leaving Mikayla and Lilly alone together. Miley privately wondered how long they’d last before they blew up her phone with texts and calls, but they never came. That evening, walking through the living room (still a mess of boxes, guitars, and skateboards) to her room, she felt grateful that her two best friends and the love of her life lived down the hall, available anytime. She found them sitting cross-legged in Lilly’s room, sharing gluten-free M&Ms and laughing at old concert videos of Mikayla performing “If Cupid Had a Heart.” Miley leaned against the doorframe and took in the pleasant surprise of two alive, happy best friends, while Lilly and Mikayla shared a significant look. Mikayla stood up and dragged Miley back to the kitchen, only uttering four simple words: “Tell her, Miles, soon.”
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Another month passed before Miley worked up her nerve. For Valentine’s Day the girls decided to share a single girls’ night in. Mikayla wanted to surprise them with an organic meal, to prove to them that organic did taste good. They laughed at her insistence, until she kicked them both out with strict orders to not return until summoned, and to get dressed elsewhere. Unfortunately, neither saw the mischief in Mikayla’s eyes or smile.
Miley sat in on songwriting sessions with Robby Ray, and Lilly went surfing with Oliver, both expressing the frustration of the object of their affection living just down the hall. Mikayla invited Jackson and Sarah to decorate the loft with various sized candles and pink and white twinkle lights while she cooked. They made a romantic mix CD and lit the candles before Mikayla sent them out to their own dinner reservations. Miley and Lilly returned simultaneously, matching shock in their matching blue eyes. They also stared at each other, surprised at how beautiful the other girl looked. But the night held many more surprises in store.
“Hey, hope you like it,” Mikayla grinned. “Well, um, I’ll see you later...” she said, backing to the door in four-inch heels. Miley and Lilly each reached for one of Mikayla’s arms, trapping her in place.
“Sneaky roommate say what?” Miley snapped, eyes darting from Mikayla to Lilly, admiring how her dress hugged every curve. “Yeah, just where’dja you think you’re going?” Lilly piped up, noticing Miley’s expressive eyes even more than before.
“Well, remember Mitchie, my childhood best friend?” Miley nodded. “She’s here this weekend, looking for apartments. She’s moving here, and we joked about being Valentines, and...I’m taking her out and she’s spending the night here, if it’s okay. Sorry about ditching y’all,” Mikayla apologized, giving them a significant look. “But it’ll give you two the chance to talk.” The last word lingered ominously as she walked out the door.
“Well, I guess let’s eat before it gets cold,” Lilly laughed nervously. Miley grinned, naturally she’s worried about the food. They sat down and filled their plates.
“So...any callbacks yet?” Miley finally broke the silence. In the last month, Lilly sent resumes to nearly every magazine, newspaper, and media outlet in LA. “Yeah, a few,” Lilly responded, grateful for Miley’s distracting chatter. “A couple, but not my top choices. Got something really cool in the works, but I’m not sure yet.” Miley’s eyebrow quirked slightly, “Well?” Lilly exhaled nervously, “I’m talking to the LA offices for Rolling Stone. It’d be awesome because I’m used to being backstage, I love music, and it’s Rolling Stone. Seriously, how cool is that?”
Miley watched Lilly’s eyes dance excitedly, and easily saw her future within them. She took in her best friend, beautifully grown up but still with that adorable skater style, and thought about Mikayla ditching them so they could talk. “Miley? Hey there, Miles.”
“What? Sorry, I guess I spaced,” Miley blushed. “I hope Rolling Stone works out. Where else are you interviewing?” Lilly beamed, “I’ve got one Monday at Revolver, and one at the Advoc--,” she cut off abruptly, and her face suddenly paled. “Lilly, what’s wrong?”
“I-uh, nothing, um, I-I’m fine,” Lilly stuttered, eyes darting wildly. Miley didn’t believe her, but didn’t know how far to push. She hadn’t seen Lilly like this in a long time.
“So! Um, how’s recording going?” Lilly squeaked and tried to change the subject. “It’s okay...Lilly, you sure nothing’s wrong?”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Lilly confirmed, and she finally appeared to be. Miley fidgeted and pushed her food around, wanting both to tell Lilly and to run. How could she perform for thousands and still be so afraid?
Lilly noticed Miley’s squirming, and her body language screamed anxiety and fear. “You sure nothing’s wrong Miley?” Miley jumped at her next question. “Why’s it so awkward?” Lilly questioned, hurt betraying her brave face. “You not wanna be roommates, or...?”
Finally Miley couldn’t take the pain in Lilly’s eyes anymore. She took a deep breath and prepared for everything to change. “Lilly, I need to tell you something. Remember when we promised no more secrets?” Lilly nodded hesitantly, and Miley felt her trepidation. “Well, I’ve been keepin’ a big one. Lilly, a few months ago I had a conversation at lunch with Mikayla that really made me think. One thing led to another, and...well, anyway.” She laughed ruefully, encouraged by Lilly’s barely concealed smirk. “I never really loved Jake, Lilly. I’m not into guys like you, and I guess I’m tryin’ to say...I-I’m a lesbian. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud, and if you can’t be my friend, I completely understand--”
“Miley,” Lilly cut her off with a bemused smile. “You really think that’d make me not be your friend? After everything we’ve been through?” Miley breathed again as Lilly confessed her own secret. “That interview? It’s at the Advocate.” Miley nodded until Lilly’s words finally dawned on her. “So that means--wait, what does that mean?”
“Well, straight people do work there, but...I’m bisexual. I’ve been keeping secrets, too. I’ve know since my sophomore year of college, actually. I was afraid to tell you because I didn’t know how you’d react.” Lilly weighed her next words carefully. “Hannah always seemed okay with it, but I didn’t know about Miley, and I know growing up in Tennessee with people telling you it’s wrong might make you believe it. I’m sorry I hid it for so long.”
Lilly looked down nervously as Miley reached across the table to take her hand. “It’s alright. It’s not an easy secret to tell," she sighed. "Want more cheesecake Lils?” Miley stood at the imperceptible nod and took their dishes into the kitchen. She tried to open the dishwasher, but found a note taped to the handle. “Miles & Lils, DON’T TOUCH THE DISHES! I’ll do them when I get home. Enjoy! Mikayla.” Miley laughed and reached for a small dessert plate, placing a single slice of cheesecake on it. She added two clean forks and brought it all to the table, then poured them both more champagne.
Miley sat next to Lilly this time to make it easier to share the cheesecake. “I still can’t believe Mikayla did all this,” Lilly murmured, catching Miley’s bright blue eyes only inches away from her own as she took a bite. “She just doesn’t seem the type.”
“Yeah, she acts like a bear, but she’s a big softie. Especially with her friends,” Miley laughed. “Plus it’s not like she did it outta the goodness of her heart. Little diva totally set us up.” Lilly gasped, eyes wide and Miley realized what she said. “Uh, I mean--”
“Explain. Now.” Lilly’s eyes held an intoxicating mix of fear and hope beneath the unshed tears. Miley cradled Lilly’s cheek, wiping away the tear that made its way down. “She did this because she wanted us to talk, wanted me to tell you the truth.”
“And that would be, what exactly?” Lilly whispered brokenly as Miley leaned forward.
“That I love you, Lilly,” Miley whispered, lips inches from each other and their foreheads touching. “Since I was thirteen, when you found out about Hannah, and our fight in the Hannah closet. Remember?” Lilly nodded. “I was afraid and upset, but you said you wanted Miley when you were upset, not Hannah. I remember hugging you and thinking I was lucky to have you. I’ve loved you for ten years, and I always will.” Miley’s hands threaded through Lilly’s hair as the tears fell. “Please don’t cry,” she breathed, tilting her face down to kiss away the tears. “Lilly, say somethin’, please, anything.”
“Miles,” Lilly rasped. “I love you...you have no idea how much.” She leaned down and finally captured Miley’s lips with hers. They both moaned upon contact, and it was the first kiss Miley always wanted, gentle but passionate. The kiss deepened almost instantly, and both became aware of the lack of oxygen and their awkward position. Miley broke away gasping for air, and stood abruptly, pulling Lilly with her. Once standing, she leaned in again, pinning Lilly to the wall with ravenous kisses. Lilly’s nails grazed her scalp, sending arousal cascading into every nerve, until Lilly shifted slightly, pressing her thigh between Miley’s legs and suckling her earlobe. “Sweet niblets, Lilly,” she moaned, sliding her hands underneath the hem of Lilly’s open-back dress. “Miley,” Lilly whimpered, more aroused than ever before. “Miles, slow down,” Lilly pulled away, grabbing Miley’s hands into her own. Miley gave Lilly her puppy dog face, bruised lips and all. Lilly laughed and pulled Miley’s into her arms. “I thought you wanted this,” Miley mumbled into Lilly’s shoulder. Lilly’s heart swelled at Miley’s husky, yet vulnerable tone.
“I do,” Lilly rasped into her ear. “More than anything, but this won’t be the only time; just the first. I’ve wanted this for years, Miley. I wanna slow down and love you the way you deserve. We’ve got all night, and the rest of our lives.” A strangled cry echoed in the loft as Miley trembled in her arms. “Shh, it’s okay, Miles. Don’t cry. It doesn’t have to hurt anymore.” Once she calmed down, Lilly tilted her chin up to kiss her, the most gentle kiss of the evening. Before the kiss deepened, Lilly broke away and led Miley into her bedroom, shedding their clothes completely before falling into bed and into each other.
As Mitchie and Mikayla stumbled into the loft late that night (or early the next morning), Mikayla kicked off her heels and surveyed the kitchen and table. “Mickie, let’s go to bed, we’ll clean tomorrow,” Mitchie whined. “Wait, there’s a message.” She groaned loudly as Mikayla hit the button, and Robby Ray’s voice filled the silence. “Hey Miles, it’s Dad. Just callin’ to check in, make sure you’re okay, bein’ Valentine’s Day and all. I know, not helpin'. Mikayla said you had plans, but still. Gimme a call in the mornin’. Love ya bud.”
Mikayla smiled slightly at his concern. She grabbed Mitchie by the hand and led her down the hall, nearly passing Miley’s room until she noticed the open door. She slipped inside and a small, slow smile tugged her lips at the sight of Miley and Lilly hopelessly tangled in the sheets and each other, their clothes in a scattered heap on the floor.
Slender arms circled her waist, and she automatically relaxed back into Mitchie’s embrace. “So it worked, huh?” Mitchie whispered in her ear, causing her to shiver slightly. “Yeah,” Mikayla sighed, lost in the sight before her and the arms around her. “About damn time.” Mitchie laughed, the loud, larger-than-life cackle Mikayla loved so much, flinching as the sound echoed around the sleeping girls. “Hmmm,” Mitchie smirked and pulled Mikayla back into the hall. “No wonder they didn’t hear the phone.”
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Miley’s life changed forever at four in the morning when she rolled over to answer the phone, trying in vain not to wake her sleeping wife. Miley slept lighter than usual lately, the stress of producing three new artists, the new school routine for the kids, and her father’s deteriorating condition all taking their toll.
Lilly stirred and sat up sleepily, disoriented by the ringing phone and the loss of her wife’s touch. The exhaustion faded completely when she listened closer to Miley’s tone, radiating pain and panic. Lilly slid an arm around Miley’s toned torso, still flat even after giving birth to two of their children, and pulled Miley into her arms, feeling her instinctively lean into the touch. Miley turned slightly and whispered, “It’s Aunt Dolly. It’s bad, Lil. She said I need to come home.” Lilly’s heart sunk, aware both of what it meant and what Miley would attempt to shoulder by herself. “She said he wants to talk to me.”
Miley’s eyes focused on Lilly in the darkness, the overhead fan and Miley’s uneven breathing the only sounds in their bedroom. She felt Lilly’s other hand, the one not holding her close, reach around and pull the phone slightly away, long enough to hit the speaker button. While anyone else would be appalled at the apparent invasion of privacy, Miley was secretly glad. It showed exactly how well Lilly knew her, that despite everything she said, she couldn’t do this on her own. She felt the slight tremble in Lilly’s touch, and she knew Lilly also did it for herself. Robby Ray filled the role of Lilly’s father in every way that mattered, since they were thirteen. They both knew they were about to hear his last words. Miley couldn’t imagine life after he was gone.
Becoming a mother sharpened her focus on the emotional toll of losing both a parent and a partner. Losing her mother at eleven changed Miley forever. While the raw pain faded long ago, the overwhelming sense of loss sprang up during the oddest times. Preparing for her senior prom, in the bridal room at her and Lilly’s wedding. During her pregnancy with their first child, she felt it more than ever. Lilly cutting the cord and handing Miley their little girl felt like both the happiest and saddest moment of her life. Spencer inherited Lilly’s blonde hair and their matching blue eyes, and Miley wondered what advice Susan might’ve shared, whether Spencer would’ve called her “Mamaw,” or “Nana.” Miley also really saw her father’s strength, quiet and unassuming through the years. She sat on the beach watching Spencer run with Lilly into the waves, and allowed her mind to wander. She couldn’t imagine losing Lilly and raising Spencer on her own, always seeing Lilly in her daughter. She couldn’t imagine not holding Lilly close at night, hand splayed protectively over Lilly’s flat stomach, not yet showing signs of the life growing inside. He probably felt more lonely than Miley and Jackson ever realized.
It grew easier over time, and when Lilly gave birth to the twins, the bittersweet happiness only lingered in the background. Carter and Cash loved Robby Ray’s fishing trips and football games, and Spencer kept him wrapped around her finger, much like Miley herself always did. Her father’s illness finally showed itself when Miley gave birth to their youngest child, fifteen months before. She slept off the exhaustion, Lilly rocking their newborn little girl to sleep beside her while Robby Ray limped into the room, gasping and coughing up blood. Miley threatened to put him in a bed next to her, and Lilly called Cedars-Sinai’s best pulmonologist while he gazed adoringly at little Sadie. When Lilly took Sadie and Miley for their six-week OB/GYN visit, Robby Ray began chemotherapy for stage three lung cancer, so advanced that the doctors gave up hope.
The chemotherapy failed, and the doctors attempted radiation next. That didn’t work either, and the cancer spread so aggressively that surgery would cause more harm than good. Knowing what lay ahead, he spent time with his kids, staying for two months at Jackson and Sarah’s with their two sons, and six weeks with Miley and Lilly and their four children. He spent lots of time with Cash and Carter, teaching them everything boys should learn from their grandfathers, and little Sadie, whom he knew he’d never see grow past her toddler years. He taught Spencer how to play guitar, and she proudly showed off a composition book full of her own song lyrics. Spencer was a perfect blend of Miley and Lilly, but in those moments he only saw Miley, with her brilliant mega-watt smile and willingness to do anything for those she loved.
His final full day at the Truscott-Stewart house, he took Spencer to an empty place on the beach about a mile from the house. She feigned boredom until Robby Ray walked her over to the horses, and then beamed with excitement; she and Miley went riding a few times before, but since Sadie’s arrival she didn’t have the time. She mounted the horse all on her own, and Robby Ray rode alongside to teach her to control the reigns. She did better at this age than Miley, which he attributed to Lilly’s natural athleticism. Spencer asked about her Mama at age seven, and did she like to ride horses, sing, play basketball and skateboard like she did? Robby Ray laughed and shared stories from Miley’s childhood, and the advice he gave Miley at Spencer’s age.
Miley, meanwhile, wandered down the beach with Sadie. Sometimes walking Sadie along the water soothed her to sleep, and Miley simultaneously explored various parts of the beach. She knew her father brought Spencer out there somewhere, but she never expected to find them. She saw them in the distance, however, trotting horseback down the beach. The tears burned her eyes, and she thought of Spencer learning the same things from her father that she did at that age. She kept walking, close enough to listen to their conversation, and nothing prepared her for what she heard.
“Cowgirls don’t cry. Even when it hurts, right Papaw?” Spencer beamed. Robby Ray fought to hold back his tears, the sadness of never seeing Spencer grow up mixing with the knowledge that his passing would be the first thing to break her innocent little heart.
“Mama! What’re you doing here?” Spencer jumped down off the horse and ran over to Miley, hugging her sideways to avoid disturbing Sadie in her sling. “She gets quieter when I walk her along the ocean,” she explained. “I swear, if I have another surfer girl I’m gonna kill Lilly.” Miley laughed, but he noticed it never quite meet her eyes.
He flew next morning to Tennessee, to spend time with Bobby Ray, Aunt Pearl and Uncle Earl, Mamaw, Dolly and the rest of the family. He planned to stay one month, then fly home to LA. He’d been there two weeks, and felt better for the first time in a while. Even unable to talk anymore without gasping, he called both Miley and Jackson nearly every day. He began coughing blood one night, and stayed in bed the next three days. Aunt Pearl and Dolly took turns watching him and updating the kids. Finally, the time came when he was weak and exhausted, and generally didn’t have the strength to keep fighting anymore. Dolly called Jackson first, then Miley. Robby Ray talked to Jackson for a couple of minutes, and fell asleep again while she called Miley. He woke up again when he heard Miley’s name.
“Need...” he rasped, “talk...Miles...” He wanted her to be okay. Jackson didn’t count on him quite the way Miley did. She told Miley that he wanted to talk to her.
“Hey bud,” his voice even weaker in his struggle to speak. “Daddy,” Miley’s voice broke through the static of the phone line and the fog in his mind. Four in the morning Malibu time, and she sat bleary-eyed in Lilly’s arms. “Daddy,” Miley pleaded. “I’m coming, Daddy, I’ll fly out and arrive before you know it,” Miley rambled until he cut her off.
“Is Lilly with you?” He asked, making sure Miley wasn’t alone. “Yeah,” Lilly spoke, “I’m right here.” She met Miley’s eyes, and she caught the double meaning of Lilly’s words.
“Now, you take care of my little girl,” he rasped, attempting to laugh, but coughing instead. “Yep, like I promised ten years ago,” Lilly grinned sadly. Miley’s tears streamed down her cheeks in the dark, the glow of the phone the only indication of anything wrong. “You too, Miles. Make sure Lilly gets on that plane safe,” Robby Ray joked, trying to infuse some humor. “Okay, Daddy,” her voice finally cracked, betraying her tears.
“You’re all grown up Miles, with little girls of your own,” he whispered, emotion seeping into his fading voice. “Cowgirl, please don’t cry. Keep ridin’ on. Keep hangin’ on, baby girl. Life’s lessons show us all in time, and too soon God’ll let you know why. If you fall off, get right back on. The good Lord calls everyone home, cowgirl, don’t cry.”
They heard rustling in the background when Dolly picked the up the phone. “He’s tired, so tired,” she whispered. “Please come home, Miley.” Immediately after Dolly hung up, she turned to Lilly, “Call Oliver. I’ll call Kayla.” She called Jackson first, though, and discovered him and Sarah prepared to leave for their own flight to Tennessee.
The next hour the Truscott-Stewart house buzzed with activity. Oliver and Joanie arrived to take Carter and Cash, since they lived ten minutes away and took them to preschool along with their youngest son. Oliver held Lilly for a few minutes while she cried against his shirt, then Lilly booked two tickets for Knoxville. Miley called Mikayla, waking her and Mitchie, who arrived, bags packed, to stay with Spencer and Sadie an hour later.
Mikayla reached forward and hugged Miley for just a moment, long enough to whisper, “You’re okay. Eventually it’ll be okay. Call us, I don’t care what time, and we’ll hop the first plane.” She pulled back and laughed loud enough for everyone to hear, “This’ll be good practice.” Mitchie laughed and slid her arms around Mikayla, one hand resting on Mikayla’s slightly rounded stomach. “Take care of her,” Mitchie told Lilly, placing her hand on Lilly’s arm, “and yourself. Don’t forget, call anytime.”
The flight seemed exceedingly long to Miley, who squirmed restlessly in her window seat while Lilly took out her iPod and listened to her latest assignment, a new punk band called The Midnight Rain. An hour into the flight, Lilly leaned over and rested her hand on Miley’s thigh, instantly calming her. Once they landed, they collected their luggage and headed for Starbucks, getting coffee before going off the map to Miley’s hometown. On the hour-long drive, they called Mikayla to check in with them and check up on Spencer and Sadie. Mikayla and Mitchie decided that, when the time came, they’d pick up the boys and fly with the kids to Knoxville, so they could be with family.
The girls arrived on Mamaw’s farm by late afternoon, given the time difference, and discovered Robby Ray hooked to various machines in the guest bedroom in the back of the house. Miley recognized it as the same one she and her cousins stayed in as children. Lilly took their things while Miley sat in the chair next to her father’s bed. Jackson, who had arrived two hours before, knelt down beside her on the floor.
“Miles,” he said gently, “you know he’s not just asleep, right?”
“Yeah,” Miley whispered, and finally met his eyes. “But I keep tellin’ myself that he’s asleep ’cause then I know he’ll wake up.” Her voice cracked and she buried her face in her hands. “Jackson, it’s so surreal. Why’d this happen? What now? We buried one parent before puberty and now...we’re not even forty, and Daddy...” Miley slid out of the chair and onto the floor, and Jackson wrapped his arms around his sobbing little sister.
Over the next two days, Robby Ray intermittently regained consciousness, but never for long, and he never spoke. The hospice nurses told the family that he wouldn’t last through the night, so everyone sat in his room and the hallway, comforting each other and telling stories. Lilly and Sarah sat in the hallway laughing while Jackson and Miley talked about him answering the door for the UPS guy with foil in his hair singing Hannah Montana’s latest hit. He stirred slightly, and the whole room fell silent. The hospice nurses held back to allow the family space and time. Jackson and Miley locked eyes and stepped forward to either side of their father’s bed, each taking one of his hands.
“It’s okay to let go,” Jackson murmured. “I love you Dad.” Miley held tightly to her father’s hand, her only anchor in the moment. “Love you, Daddy,” she whispered, “and thanks for givin’ everything for my dreams. Betcha can’t wait to see Momma.” She chuckled slightly before she kissed him on the cheek, followed by Jackson. And as the machines sounded around her, she refused to cry. There’d be time for that later, back in California, but not right now. His final words were a plea for her not to be afraid; he’d be okay and if she got up and keep on going, so would she. After all, cowgirls don’t cry.