suicide is painless, it brings on many changes
Lyrics to the song 'Suicide is Painless'
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.
No, I'm not suicidal. Frankly, I've never understood the concept. What brings this on is the news yesterday that Jeff, a guy who grew up in my neighborhood, was found hanging in his family's garage. Growing up, he was a "cool" kid - a couple years older than me, and way too cool to hang out with me. In fact, I can only remember one time playing with him - a magical game of "21" (I can't remember the rules, but it involved one guy who was "it" tagging the others with a ball) that used the entire neighborhood as a field. It was a fantastic game, in the twilight of a warm summer day. The next memory I have is going over to rake leaves at his house one fall when I was in my early teens. His family was the wealthy family in the neighborhood (their house was brick, not clapboard; their dad owned his own business). They paid me a pittance, but they paid me to rake leaves, pick up the mail, shovel snow, cut the grass...anytime they were out of town. Jeff had apparently stayed behind. As I was raking in their backyard, I looked up into the large sliding glass doors from their patio to the family room. There was Jeff, butt naked, casually fucking what I presume was his girlfriend of the moment. I can't remember if he saw me or not, but I stopped raking, went home and furiously masturbated in the bathroom. I fantasized not about being him, but about being with him - yet another indication at that tender age that I was far from straight. He featured prominently in my fantasies for many years - smooth, smirking, debonair, wearing a leather jacket, curly brown hair.
And yesterday, he committed suicide. An adulthood of alcoholism, lack of financial success, trouble with the law - he was apparently just about to be sent off to prison for multiple offenses. Violent. Violent death. I suppose it's proper to say it's a tragedy, but it seems that his life has been such a tragedy that his suicide is less a tragedy than the last act of a downward spiral.
I wonder how the girl I saw him fucking will take the news when/if she hears it - did they remain close? What's it like knowing that someone you had sex with is dead? What's it like knowing someone you fantasized about is dead? Wierd. very wierd.
Through early morning fog I see
visions of the things to be
the pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...
[REFRAIN]:
that suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
I try to find a way to make
all our little joys relate
without that ever-present hate
but now I know that it's too late, and...
[REFRAIN]
The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
so this is all I have to say.
[REFRAIN]
The only way to win is cheat
And lay it down before I'm beat
and to another give my seat
for that's the only painless feat.
[REFRAIN]
The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger...watch it grin, but...
[REFRAIN]
A brave man once requested me
to answer questions that are key
is it to be or not to be
and I replied 'oh why ask me?'
[REFRAIN]
'Cause suicide is painless
it brings on many changes
and I can take or leave it if I please.
...and you can do the same thing if you please.
No, I'm not suicidal. Frankly, I've never understood the concept. What brings this on is the news yesterday that Jeff, a guy who grew up in my neighborhood, was found hanging in his family's garage. Growing up, he was a "cool" kid - a couple years older than me, and way too cool to hang out with me. In fact, I can only remember one time playing with him - a magical game of "21" (I can't remember the rules, but it involved one guy who was "it" tagging the others with a ball) that used the entire neighborhood as a field. It was a fantastic game, in the twilight of a warm summer day. The next memory I have is going over to rake leaves at his house one fall when I was in my early teens. His family was the wealthy family in the neighborhood (their house was brick, not clapboard; their dad owned his own business). They paid me a pittance, but they paid me to rake leaves, pick up the mail, shovel snow, cut the grass...anytime they were out of town. Jeff had apparently stayed behind. As I was raking in their backyard, I looked up into the large sliding glass doors from their patio to the family room. There was Jeff, butt naked, casually fucking what I presume was his girlfriend of the moment. I can't remember if he saw me or not, but I stopped raking, went home and furiously masturbated in the bathroom. I fantasized not about being him, but about being with him - yet another indication at that tender age that I was far from straight. He featured prominently in my fantasies for many years - smooth, smirking, debonair, wearing a leather jacket, curly brown hair.
And yesterday, he committed suicide. An adulthood of alcoholism, lack of financial success, trouble with the law - he was apparently just about to be sent off to prison for multiple offenses. Violent. Violent death. I suppose it's proper to say it's a tragedy, but it seems that his life has been such a tragedy that his suicide is less a tragedy than the last act of a downward spiral.
I wonder how the girl I saw him fucking will take the news when/if she hears it - did they remain close? What's it like knowing that someone you had sex with is dead? What's it like knowing someone you fantasized about is dead? Wierd. very wierd.