Welcome To My Kansas...
So it is Saturday morning, the hour is as usual, 5 am, and just for reference sake that means before dawn's light. The darkness is my cohort every morning and for some reason beyond my control I cannot seem to keep that cohort from poking me on weekends as well. I wake up to the insistence that a big red dog needs to scout the great outdoors, I relent after a repeated poke of a cold dog nose and a couple of huffy whines.
After the scouting of the great outdoors I go back to the darkness of my bedroom only to lie there staring at the ceiling, solving all the world's problems. Finally I relent to the obvious. I make my exit of warm covers to travel down the hall, hitting the big comfy couch, flipping open my dinosaur laptop, I turn on the television for noise, I wait for the long 14 minute revved up effort of Window’s XP to finally appear on the screen. I recheck the battery; plug in the power and sit back to sip my warm coffee. I pull on warm socks right before I sink into the pit of couch cushions. I pull the now humming laptop onto my awaiting out-stretched legs where I will soon enjoy the subtle warmth that will eventually exude from the bowels of its megabits as they roll and tumble. Before I get good and settled I have a monster 17lb cat soon fighting his lesser 5lb feline companion for a higher positioning within the near vicinity of humming warmth of computer fan blades. They both pin down my arms, I just enjoy the few minutes of undivided attention before I insist on solitude surfing. I hit the on button on the remote…and wait.
Noise is about all the pours out of the side speakers of my 19-inch ancient Sylvania. I concentrate on the buttons displayed on a very confusing remote control while taking a few moments trying to locate a 12-hour marathon of Law & Order on my very limited channel selection that currently sucks about forty bucks out of my bank account each month. I ask myself each time I turn on this plastic box that sits upon the shelf, why, do I pay for150 channels while only 6 of them are worth watching? I find my muse while filling the airwaves of my home with the jabbering of the human sales force voices.
This morning the quirky story I now write comes to me, rolling into my brain as I scroll my channels. I could listen, watch and perhaps learn how to have “Jewelry, Last Minute”, all whilst, “Juicing with Jack”. “Juicing with Jack” I believe could have its advantages when I use my new “Free Magic Bullet”, to “Stop Memory Loss”. Then I wonder for the brief fleeting moment of channel surfing whether by chance the one and only “Magic Jack” is in fact a close relative related to the Jack that juices. Perhaps a twin brother separated at birth.
I keep scrolling only to land on channel 65 where after a few minutes doing the “Zumba Dance” I hope, I just hope that Jack or maybe Jack might appear at my front door bring gifts and groceries in hand. I contemplate after landing on channel 73 if they might not have groceries in mind but would perhaps be bringing with them their “Shark Vacuum” for “Easy Hair Removal”. Graciously they both use their soothing deep voices to explain the process of removal to me and after a few minutes of a baritone voice I am so relieved that hair follicle removal could be that easy. Somehow I am not so sure I consider the later to be truth in advertising at its best so I make the quick decision where I move on to channel 81 just keeping my hairy chin, scruffy pits and sandpaper legs for now.
So should I try to wrench myself free from the grip of two now very warm felines or just lavish in the result of my live breathing sharp clawed furry “Snuggies”. Suddenly, right out of the blue it hits me, I just bet if I get out my credit card, dial the 1-800 number I could own that tidbit of all this subliminal information and learn “Millionaire’s Secrets” from my now reluctant subliminal lover as I “Relive Joint Aches” and remind my self that after all that carving of my abs in bed that has transpired, I must say without question that “Size Matters”.
Wow, if only all this finger scrolling, feline jockeying could have just resulted in giving me that “Sexy Swimsuit Body” I dreamt of, but unfortunately I don’t think so because here I go again, passing channel 88…I might just eat another “10 minute Meal” on channel 89.
Scrolling further toward channel 96 I gather pertinent information on how to “Detoxify Your Body” which seems like a grand idea but the “ Carve Abs in Bed” on channels further found in the recesses of the 90’s suddenly catches my attention, where I realize after contemplation that my own bed is where I wish I had returned to at this hour.
No, it is my day off, I may just stay right here till 7pm where I jumped past all the pay-per view I can’t afford I find that according to channel 282 Dorothy will exclaim to all who wish to listen, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. You know, I might have to go put on my red shoes but first I must remove the hair and paint my toes....yeah......There is No Place Like Home.
After the scouting of the great outdoors I go back to the darkness of my bedroom only to lie there staring at the ceiling, solving all the world's problems. Finally I relent to the obvious. I make my exit of warm covers to travel down the hall, hitting the big comfy couch, flipping open my dinosaur laptop, I turn on the television for noise, I wait for the long 14 minute revved up effort of Window’s XP to finally appear on the screen. I recheck the battery; plug in the power and sit back to sip my warm coffee. I pull on warm socks right before I sink into the pit of couch cushions. I pull the now humming laptop onto my awaiting out-stretched legs where I will soon enjoy the subtle warmth that will eventually exude from the bowels of its megabits as they roll and tumble. Before I get good and settled I have a monster 17lb cat soon fighting his lesser 5lb feline companion for a higher positioning within the near vicinity of humming warmth of computer fan blades. They both pin down my arms, I just enjoy the few minutes of undivided attention before I insist on solitude surfing. I hit the on button on the remote…and wait.
Noise is about all the pours out of the side speakers of my 19-inch ancient Sylvania. I concentrate on the buttons displayed on a very confusing remote control while taking a few moments trying to locate a 12-hour marathon of Law & Order on my very limited channel selection that currently sucks about forty bucks out of my bank account each month. I ask myself each time I turn on this plastic box that sits upon the shelf, why, do I pay for150 channels while only 6 of them are worth watching? I find my muse while filling the airwaves of my home with the jabbering of the human sales force voices.
This morning the quirky story I now write comes to me, rolling into my brain as I scroll my channels. I could listen, watch and perhaps learn how to have “Jewelry, Last Minute”, all whilst, “Juicing with Jack”. “Juicing with Jack” I believe could have its advantages when I use my new “Free Magic Bullet”, to “Stop Memory Loss”. Then I wonder for the brief fleeting moment of channel surfing whether by chance the one and only “Magic Jack” is in fact a close relative related to the Jack that juices. Perhaps a twin brother separated at birth.
I keep scrolling only to land on channel 65 where after a few minutes doing the “Zumba Dance” I hope, I just hope that Jack or maybe Jack might appear at my front door bring gifts and groceries in hand. I contemplate after landing on channel 73 if they might not have groceries in mind but would perhaps be bringing with them their “Shark Vacuum” for “Easy Hair Removal”. Graciously they both use their soothing deep voices to explain the process of removal to me and after a few minutes of a baritone voice I am so relieved that hair follicle removal could be that easy. Somehow I am not so sure I consider the later to be truth in advertising at its best so I make the quick decision where I move on to channel 81 just keeping my hairy chin, scruffy pits and sandpaper legs for now.
So should I try to wrench myself free from the grip of two now very warm felines or just lavish in the result of my live breathing sharp clawed furry “Snuggies”. Suddenly, right out of the blue it hits me, I just bet if I get out my credit card, dial the 1-800 number I could own that tidbit of all this subliminal information and learn “Millionaire’s Secrets” from my now reluctant subliminal lover as I “Relive Joint Aches” and remind my self that after all that carving of my abs in bed that has transpired, I must say without question that “Size Matters”.
Wow, if only all this finger scrolling, feline jockeying could have just resulted in giving me that “Sexy Swimsuit Body” I dreamt of, but unfortunately I don’t think so because here I go again, passing channel 88…I might just eat another “10 minute Meal” on channel 89.
Scrolling further toward channel 96 I gather pertinent information on how to “Detoxify Your Body” which seems like a grand idea but the “ Carve Abs in Bed” on channels further found in the recesses of the 90’s suddenly catches my attention, where I realize after contemplation that my own bed is where I wish I had returned to at this hour.
No, it is my day off, I may just stay right here till 7pm where I jumped past all the pay-per view I can’t afford I find that according to channel 282 Dorothy will exclaim to all who wish to listen, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. You know, I might have to go put on my red shoes but first I must remove the hair and paint my toes....yeah......There is No Place Like Home.