Sure I have Unsure-edness
Something, got to write something.
I don’t sleep well. My dreams wake me. Rarely are there days or I should say nights that I feel comfort enough to sleep for hours. My dreams even keep me moving. I wake from them sometimes with a furious uneasiness, as if I could not find what I was looking for. I move in slow motion in these dreams. I reach out and tug on his arm; he turns and looks meeting my eyes. There is a disappointment there, my face I am sure shows its confusion as I do not know this man. I turn, walk away and I am drawn to keep on searching.
I wish that I could channel my dreams to be filled with less confusing scenarios. They would be set on balancing good and calm and fulfilling but they never are. Channeling my sub-conscious to give me the DVD of my choice would be a really cool concept.
All of this searching, waiting and wondering in my real life, the one that my conscious mind participates in my waking hours affects the play-back of dreams. I live in a state of unsure-edness. Is that even a word?
Let me go down the cookie isle and I am thrown head long into a state of unsure-edness. I could stand for hours trying to decide which ones to pick. The elves call to me in their little elf voices as I try to pass up the opening of the isle of cookie heaven. The force of some unseen electrical current pulls me forward; the phenomenon of Bermuda triangle issues if I enter this cookie isle unprotected is too much to bear. I spend the better part of 15 minutes in the constant state of unsure-edness traveling down every other isle in the store, the entire time reasoning with myself that cookies and milk would sound pretty good around 10pm tonight.
What do you want for lunch? I don’t know is the usual answer. Finding substance that will fit into a microwave or toaster oven and can be eaten in 1.4 minutes between the beeping sound that goes off when the door opens and a new customer comes in. We are never sure we will get to finish our meal in peace and quiet or whether we will be called into service leaving a half eaten sandwich to get stale or the salad that was purchased to wilt to the point of inedible. Unsure-edness.
What do you have planned for tonight? Holding the couch down with my butt whilst I watch my favorite TV cop show, CSI Miami. Waiting. Wishing. Writing. Walking the dog. Cooking for one and wishing there were two. Got some cookies for later.
Maybe this is why I like to plan so much. Maybe this is why I ask, “When?” so often. Maybe it is just my way of gaining a bit of control of what seems to remain out of control more than in. My unsure-edness affects me more than I realize. The very act of it can make or break me. I just want to control my unconscious mind and dream what I want to dream and not be so unsure of who will turn to look at me when I reach out to touch their arm.
The more I am sure the better dreams I will have. This much I am sure of. See…I don’t have unsure-edness with that. Oh, and I chose the double stuffed Oreos and Nabisco sugar wafers but I am unsure if I will be drinking milk.
I don’t sleep well. My dreams wake me. Rarely are there days or I should say nights that I feel comfort enough to sleep for hours. My dreams even keep me moving. I wake from them sometimes with a furious uneasiness, as if I could not find what I was looking for. I move in slow motion in these dreams. I reach out and tug on his arm; he turns and looks meeting my eyes. There is a disappointment there, my face I am sure shows its confusion as I do not know this man. I turn, walk away and I am drawn to keep on searching.
I wish that I could channel my dreams to be filled with less confusing scenarios. They would be set on balancing good and calm and fulfilling but they never are. Channeling my sub-conscious to give me the DVD of my choice would be a really cool concept.
All of this searching, waiting and wondering in my real life, the one that my conscious mind participates in my waking hours affects the play-back of dreams. I live in a state of unsure-edness. Is that even a word?
Let me go down the cookie isle and I am thrown head long into a state of unsure-edness. I could stand for hours trying to decide which ones to pick. The elves call to me in their little elf voices as I try to pass up the opening of the isle of cookie heaven. The force of some unseen electrical current pulls me forward; the phenomenon of Bermuda triangle issues if I enter this cookie isle unprotected is too much to bear. I spend the better part of 15 minutes in the constant state of unsure-edness traveling down every other isle in the store, the entire time reasoning with myself that cookies and milk would sound pretty good around 10pm tonight.
What do you want for lunch? I don’t know is the usual answer. Finding substance that will fit into a microwave or toaster oven and can be eaten in 1.4 minutes between the beeping sound that goes off when the door opens and a new customer comes in. We are never sure we will get to finish our meal in peace and quiet or whether we will be called into service leaving a half eaten sandwich to get stale or the salad that was purchased to wilt to the point of inedible. Unsure-edness.
What do you have planned for tonight? Holding the couch down with my butt whilst I watch my favorite TV cop show, CSI Miami. Waiting. Wishing. Writing. Walking the dog. Cooking for one and wishing there were two. Got some cookies for later.
Maybe this is why I like to plan so much. Maybe this is why I ask, “When?” so often. Maybe it is just my way of gaining a bit of control of what seems to remain out of control more than in. My unsure-edness affects me more than I realize. The very act of it can make or break me. I just want to control my unconscious mind and dream what I want to dream and not be so unsure of who will turn to look at me when I reach out to touch their arm.
The more I am sure the better dreams I will have. This much I am sure of. See…I don’t have unsure-edness with that. Oh, and I chose the double stuffed Oreos and Nabisco sugar wafers but I am unsure if I will be drinking milk.