LONG BUT NECESSARY
I am going to be changing some things around in my world. My head is all fuzzy right now. Spending all this time alone during the weekdays (...Work...School...Study...::repeat::) has put my brain in a fast forward pace.
What I write below is a conversation I JUST had on the phone with a friend I have not seen in a very long long long long time. She likes to grill the things, I don't think about out, of my system. But her intention of this particular conversation was to tell me, she wanted me to think about all this to change it. She told me I was a superhero and that I can't die out. There is more than what is listed below. She also had things to throw in there that I did not say...but it is true. But here is some of what came out:
I can't stand that I am without a car. I can't stand that I let money slip away into other peoples hands that I trusted, Being used is a bitch. I can't stand that my living space is caving in on me...and this feeling like it is way too much to organize. I can't stand that I am not painting. I can't stand that I haven't blared my music and sang a long to it. I can't stand that I haven't written a god damn word. I can't stand that I lost my Japanese skills. I can't stand my credit from medical bills. I can't stand that I can't see. I can't stand that I am not doing any handstands on the weekends anymore in the park or elsewhere. I can't stand that my history of boys (well known) is the ones who really don't care to treat me like I'm a "pretty pretty princess" (if you don't know what this is...just ask) but to be another pocket (users)...another girl(players)...another person to fix their problems (not really care about mine)..and really only care about what I need to do for them. I can't stand that my sympathy for people dying has gone to a shrug of a my shoulders and an "that's too bad" and then brush it off. I can't stand that I am not buff anymore. <--This one seriously...if you know me...I am pissed. I can't stand that I have possibly lost most of my "amazing" friends from neglect from hermitizing myself away from them for about 3 months now. etc...................
The worst part is...I can't stand that I did this all to myself. ALL ME. I have put myself in this madness. I made the decisions. I picked the boys that crushed the life out of me and jaded me to an incompatible lop. I moved out to this hellish land. ME. Everybody goes through their obstacles in life. And I feel like this is a neverending obstacle. Which is fine. So the only thing I can do is...get to the repairin'. Get back to the good ol' ME. NOT one thing at a time. NOT step by step. BUT...Chunk by chunk. Take over this withered soul and punch it into it's place.
First thing I am going to do, starting tomorrow and ending by December 27th maybe even sooner if I find all the documentation...I am going to pay off all medical bills and such. ALL...Clean my credit all the way. Crazy huh!. But I can.
In the process get some new glasses.
All this clears up for better credit to get a freakin' car. Lower interest later too.
That is step 1. I'll start there at that chunk and work my way through. IN CHUNKS.
I am alone in this game...I get it...we all are I guess. I haven't relied heavily on my parents...except for minor support on some things. But alone I shall defeat and conquer. Then later I shall include my glorious victory with my comrades.
Random:
Kumar...here is a call you will understand. The call that I must use in the process. You know what this call is. You know it's meaning. You know the seriousness of the steps I shall take.
KREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What I write below is a conversation I JUST had on the phone with a friend I have not seen in a very long long long long time. She likes to grill the things, I don't think about out, of my system. But her intention of this particular conversation was to tell me, she wanted me to think about all this to change it. She told me I was a superhero and that I can't die out. There is more than what is listed below. She also had things to throw in there that I did not say...but it is true. But here is some of what came out:
I can't stand that I am without a car. I can't stand that I let money slip away into other peoples hands that I trusted, Being used is a bitch. I can't stand that my living space is caving in on me...and this feeling like it is way too much to organize. I can't stand that I am not painting. I can't stand that I haven't blared my music and sang a long to it. I can't stand that I haven't written a god damn word. I can't stand that I lost my Japanese skills. I can't stand my credit from medical bills. I can't stand that I can't see. I can't stand that I am not doing any handstands on the weekends anymore in the park or elsewhere. I can't stand that my history of boys (well known) is the ones who really don't care to treat me like I'm a "pretty pretty princess" (if you don't know what this is...just ask) but to be another pocket (users)...another girl(players)...another person to fix their problems (not really care about mine)..and really only care about what I need to do for them. I can't stand that my sympathy for people dying has gone to a shrug of a my shoulders and an "that's too bad" and then brush it off. I can't stand that I am not buff anymore. <--This one seriously...if you know me...I am pissed. I can't stand that I have possibly lost most of my "amazing" friends from neglect from hermitizing myself away from them for about 3 months now. etc...................
The worst part is...I can't stand that I did this all to myself. ALL ME. I have put myself in this madness. I made the decisions. I picked the boys that crushed the life out of me and jaded me to an incompatible lop. I moved out to this hellish land. ME. Everybody goes through their obstacles in life. And I feel like this is a neverending obstacle. Which is fine. So the only thing I can do is...get to the repairin'. Get back to the good ol' ME. NOT one thing at a time. NOT step by step. BUT...Chunk by chunk. Take over this withered soul and punch it into it's place.
First thing I am going to do, starting tomorrow and ending by December 27th maybe even sooner if I find all the documentation...I am going to pay off all medical bills and such. ALL...Clean my credit all the way. Crazy huh!. But I can.
In the process get some new glasses.
All this clears up for better credit to get a freakin' car. Lower interest later too.
That is step 1. I'll start there at that chunk and work my way through. IN CHUNKS.
I am alone in this game...I get it...we all are I guess. I haven't relied heavily on my parents...except for minor support on some things. But alone I shall defeat and conquer. Then later I shall include my glorious victory with my comrades.
Random:
Kumar...here is a call you will understand. The call that I must use in the process. You know what this call is. You know it's meaning. You know the seriousness of the steps I shall take.
KREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!