Greetings from the moment just before...everything.
It's August 27th, 2007, and one year ago today I was moving out of the house at 1997 S 400 E and into the house at 1149 E 200 S, one of the best moves of my life. Now, here I am, sitting in my "apartment" in Spain (the little downstairs area that is mostly mine), books scattered on my desk, a half-filled REI bag on the floor, Katie's boxes of clothes stacked next to me awaiting her arrival on Saturday. I'm finally breaking through this stuck-ness that has consumed me and attempting to make a dent in everything I have to do/pack before I leave. I am going home -- no, more importantly, I am leaving Europe in 11 days. ELEVEN DAYS. Even as I write it, I don't believe it. It doesn't feel quite real or true to be picking up and leaving. This place, as much as I've hated it in this way that I haven't been able to remedy, has become my home and it will, undoubtedly, be strange to wake up in someone's house in the United States of America, where people are speaking English and radio shows are in English and television and all its commercials are in ENGLISH and, by god, I will be able to go to a movie in English... And I have a feeling I won't know where I am on most mornings, that disorientation that comes with being accustomed to lifting your head off the pillow in the morning, staring at the baby blue wall just beyond your rustred blanket, getting up and opening the heavy wooden outdoor blinds, and staring up at the sun or clouds above the terrace -- and then one day suddenly not being in that space and not ever waking up in that same place again. I am on many levels so excited, and on maybe one level a little sad. Though of course I have been so eager to leave here so I am definitely ready.
Tomorrow Amaia leaves for Ireland for the year, for school in English (if you can call it that -- I mean the accent is hard even for me to understand, I don't know how she's going to do it). Katie, as I said, arrives Saturday. I move onto the couch, I reckon, for a day or two, then who knows where, maybe to crash at Darb and Iñaki's until I go down to Madrid and catch my flight to DC. In eleven days. Eleven days.
Karissa was here last week and I'm not sure that I quite have words to describe how unbelievable of an adventure it was. Four days felt like a lifetime and Saturday morning at 7am was the saddest moment in a while, not so much the seeing-off but more so the moment just after, when I returned to my car and sat there in the utter silence and realized I had no one to talk to again. No one to share stories with and no one who would make me stop the car to take a picture in the middle of the freeway and for whom I would lovingly oblige because secretly I'd wanted to stop for the same picture, you know. We climbed hills in little pueblos trying to get "the best shot" and we drove up grape-covered hillsides to get "the best shot" and we did almost everything you can imagine to get "the best shot" and jeez, I can't remember a time when I've felt more happy in my life just to have someone along who understands the profane importance of the perfect moment captured on film. Fuck. On top of that I think I've learned more about her (and she about me) in the last week than in the 2 years we've been friends, though that's a close call. I am glad she didn't come in April as we first tried to do, because it would have made the 4 months I'd have had left here after her visit feel like an eternity. I'm eager to come home to see all of my other friends, because having her here reminded me how my friends make me feel about myself, how they bring out the best parts of me, how they make me feel like I am truly an amazing person and I had forgotten how that feels. Of course, I want to see them all too because they are equally amazing (or why would I be friends with them??), and I want to share everything I can with them and talk about experiences and adventures and feelings and moments. I want to know them like I never have before and I can't wait. Eleven days.
On the other hand what makes me quite sad is that I will be leaving Darby, who I've grown much closer to in the last couple of months, and who it's hard to believe I will actually be LEAVING. I think I just assume that when I arrive in Portland, there will be Darb waiting for me to go get coffee and chat about life. Oh, but no, because Darby now lives in Spain, and I will not, and it's hard to accept that I won't be able to drive up the street and pick her up and listen to her ridiculous and amazing stories and watch her funny dance moves and etc etc. I don't know that this will really hit me until I'm in the states, realizing it's 5pm in Oregon which means 2am in Spain and I won't be able to call and say "hey let's go get coffee and talk about our little children who don't behave." Yeah, it won't be the same.
However, onward and upward as they say, and I'm looking forward to meeting new friends and having new adventures and finding more similar souls to connect with. I really just want to have a GOOD year this year, I want to have fun and get my shit together at the same time, really take responsibility and move forward and not be this lump that I've been for years, who just sits there like "blah blah blah I don't care about anything" or whatever. I want to be involved and active in a community, I want to have a larger circle of friends, I want to get closer to my current friends, I want every day to be something spectacular. I'm looking forward to this new chapter. I'm apprehensive but full of anticipation and it is all starting really damn soon. So, back I go to packing, sorting, donating, tirar-ing, and every other such motion one goes through before a big move. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone, and I hope you're all ready for me!
xo
e
Tomorrow Amaia leaves for Ireland for the year, for school in English (if you can call it that -- I mean the accent is hard even for me to understand, I don't know how she's going to do it). Katie, as I said, arrives Saturday. I move onto the couch, I reckon, for a day or two, then who knows where, maybe to crash at Darb and Iñaki's until I go down to Madrid and catch my flight to DC. In eleven days. Eleven days.
Karissa was here last week and I'm not sure that I quite have words to describe how unbelievable of an adventure it was. Four days felt like a lifetime and Saturday morning at 7am was the saddest moment in a while, not so much the seeing-off but more so the moment just after, when I returned to my car and sat there in the utter silence and realized I had no one to talk to again. No one to share stories with and no one who would make me stop the car to take a picture in the middle of the freeway and for whom I would lovingly oblige because secretly I'd wanted to stop for the same picture, you know. We climbed hills in little pueblos trying to get "the best shot" and we drove up grape-covered hillsides to get "the best shot" and we did almost everything you can imagine to get "the best shot" and jeez, I can't remember a time when I've felt more happy in my life just to have someone along who understands the profane importance of the perfect moment captured on film. Fuck. On top of that I think I've learned more about her (and she about me) in the last week than in the 2 years we've been friends, though that's a close call. I am glad she didn't come in April as we first tried to do, because it would have made the 4 months I'd have had left here after her visit feel like an eternity. I'm eager to come home to see all of my other friends, because having her here reminded me how my friends make me feel about myself, how they bring out the best parts of me, how they make me feel like I am truly an amazing person and I had forgotten how that feels. Of course, I want to see them all too because they are equally amazing (or why would I be friends with them??), and I want to share everything I can with them and talk about experiences and adventures and feelings and moments. I want to know them like I never have before and I can't wait. Eleven days.
On the other hand what makes me quite sad is that I will be leaving Darby, who I've grown much closer to in the last couple of months, and who it's hard to believe I will actually be LEAVING. I think I just assume that when I arrive in Portland, there will be Darb waiting for me to go get coffee and chat about life. Oh, but no, because Darby now lives in Spain, and I will not, and it's hard to accept that I won't be able to drive up the street and pick her up and listen to her ridiculous and amazing stories and watch her funny dance moves and etc etc. I don't know that this will really hit me until I'm in the states, realizing it's 5pm in Oregon which means 2am in Spain and I won't be able to call and say "hey let's go get coffee and talk about our little children who don't behave." Yeah, it won't be the same.
However, onward and upward as they say, and I'm looking forward to meeting new friends and having new adventures and finding more similar souls to connect with. I really just want to have a GOOD year this year, I want to have fun and get my shit together at the same time, really take responsibility and move forward and not be this lump that I've been for years, who just sits there like "blah blah blah I don't care about anything" or whatever. I want to be involved and active in a community, I want to have a larger circle of friends, I want to get closer to my current friends, I want every day to be something spectacular. I'm looking forward to this new chapter. I'm apprehensive but full of anticipation and it is all starting really damn soon. So, back I go to packing, sorting, donating, tirar-ing, and every other such motion one goes through before a big move. I am really looking forward to seeing everyone, and I hope you're all ready for me!
xo
e