Rant.

Jun 26, 2010 12:33

Have you ever hated who you were inside? I had a conversation yesterday with Norma about when she first started working for us. She described me as spoiled and cruel. It's been running through my head ever since. I don't disagree with her, by all means, it haunts me to this day. I was a very spoiled child before I went to Australia. Like my aunts and grandfather, like my dad is sometimes. I had a breakdown today, I haven't had one since before I was admitted to the psych ward back in February. When I can see nothing but a burning white flash of rage, where I swear and I grip my knuckles and dig my nails into each other, where I could through a chair across someones head. That was who I was when I was a child, I'd burn with hate and self absorbed thoughts. At some point after hitting puberty, I decided that wasn't who I wanted to be. I started to turn inwards, I guess that was around the time I started living with my grandfather. I saw how he was, I started turning all the anger I had into sadness, I rejected my self absorbed nature and found empathy. So thats how I am now, thats why I spend so much time studying people and reading them. I can say with pride that I've gotten real good at it and are better than most at sensing what others are feeling. The last thing I ever want is to turn into the other members of my dads family but.. today I guess the thought that I obsessed over as a teen came back. Can I really escape? I saw my mom belittle my dad again at breakfast, telling him off like a child. I took her aside afterwards and kindly asked her to be more sensitive, that the things she says has negative results in my dad.. his alcoholism, his low self esteem... the random bursts into tears he has.. She looked at me with such disgust and defence. Yelling at me for accusing her of such a thing. I felt the anger burn up in me again, I couldn't contain it. Sometimes I think it's easier for me to return to how I was, filled with anger and hate instead of being weighed down by guilt and disgust for myself. I used to want to rip out the blood that flowed through me, the blood that marked me as part of that side of my family. I cannot control my outbreaks when they start, but I've done my best to minimize it from happening as often. Today.. I just didn't have the strength to surpress that side of me anymore. This is why empathy matters to me so much, this is why I spend so much time making sure everyone is okay. I am terrified of turning back into the older sister that would bully her brother, the spoiled brat that would slam doors and break things. I hate who I am, and I'm trying to prove to myself that I can change myself to be someone better.

Anyway, just.. a really incoherent rant.
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