Grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I cannot accept...
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Dear Journal,
So, this is my first entry. It's officially the new year now; a time for change and beginnings. This is supposed to be where I write my resolutions- vices to give up, personality flaws to correct, my own little inventory of all the things that I don't like about myself in order to take action to change them. I've never made a New Year's resolution. I've never wanted to before. I've always been perfectly comfortable with my vices, from gambling, drinking, and smoking to excess, to my pettiness, thoughtlessness, selfishness, and all those other nasty little "ness" words. I've never thought of myself as a particularly good person, and that's never bothered me before. But now, because of him... Sometimes I think he sees good in me that I'm not entirely sure is there. That hurts more than I ever would've thought it could, and it's exhausting me trying to live up to his expectations. No, scratch that. I know that he would never expect anything of me- that's not the word I was looking for. Perhaps it is his image of me that I feel I could never live up to. Or maybe I'm reading far too deeply into everything again, and it's only my entirely self-centered world view making me see things that aren't really there. Self-centeredness. Another "ness" word. I want to be a better person for him, but I don't know if I can.
And while I'm on that train of thought- is my relationship with Tseng a vice? I wonder sometimes if it's done the both of us more harm than good. I've come to realise just how heavily I rely on him, for everything. Not only is that desperately unfair to him, but I fear for myself should anything ever happen that would cause him not to be around anymore, something that I'm very aware of the possibility of. He tried to warn me off, that day at the hospital a thousand years ago. I wonder now if I should have let him, for both our sakes. What would our lives both be like now if I had? Would I be writing this curled up in Hohenheim's bed? Or would something else have happened to catalyse our breakup anyway? Most likely, come to think of it. While it was the events at the hospital and my subsequent behavior that pushed him away, had it not been that, it would have been something else eventually. Or perhaps nothing would have happened, and we'd still be together, but he'd come to resent me. That would be worse than things being the way they are now. I've gotten off track again. As for Tseng, I doubt I've had much of an impact on his daily life, but one thing I'm fairly certain of is that he would have shot Najica had I not been there that day. Would it have been better if he had? That's a question I don't have an answer for.
I wonder too if I'm displacing my feelings for Tseng onto Gun the way that I displaced my feelings for Hohenheim onto Kurtz. (For I've realized after some thought that that's exactly what I did- why else would I have snapped the way I did when he mentioned the idea of leaving? It's all my old abandonment issues popping up again.) Brenner teased me about my "ulterior motives" for inviting Gun to my apartment once we return. For once, though, I actually had none. I'm not going to make that mistake again, not with him, not until I figure out what my real feelings are. If that's even possible, which I'm beginning to doubt.
Reading over this again, I am amazed at how whiny and miserable I come across. I'm really not miserable, most of the time at least. Melancholy perhaps, though that's odd, because it's far more passive an emotion than I generally find in myself. Things are generally all or nothing with me. No grey areas. Now everything seems to be a grey area.
I want to go get drunk, but I've been doing that far too much lately. Most likely why I seem to be confused about everything all the time. Some clarity of thought would do me good right about now. I am, however, going to put this down and go walk around a bit. No New Year's Resolutions for now. Likely none later either. I've always felt that making them was just setting one's self up for disappointment.
~Mitsune
Dear Journal,
So, this is my first entry. It's officially the new year now; a time for change and beginnings. This is supposed to be where I write my resolutions- vices to give up, personality flaws to correct, my own little inventory of all the things that I don't like about myself in order to take action to change them. I've never made a New Year's resolution. I've never wanted to before. I've always been perfectly comfortable with my vices, from gambling, drinking, and smoking to excess, to my pettiness, thoughtlessness, selfishness, and all those other nasty little "ness" words. I've never thought of myself as a particularly good person, and that's never bothered me before. But now, because of him... Sometimes I think he sees good in me that I'm not entirely sure is there. That hurts more than I ever would've thought it could, and it's exhausting me trying to live up to his expectations. No, scratch that. I know that he would never expect anything of me- that's not the word I was looking for. Perhaps it is his image of me that I feel I could never live up to. Or maybe I'm reading far too deeply into everything again, and it's only my entirely self-centered world view making me see things that aren't really there. Self-centeredness. Another "ness" word. I want to be a better person for him, but I don't know if I can.
And while I'm on that train of thought- is my relationship with Tseng a vice? I wonder sometimes if it's done the both of us more harm than good. I've come to realise just how heavily I rely on him, for everything. Not only is that desperately unfair to him, but I fear for myself should anything ever happen that would cause him not to be around anymore, something that I'm very aware of the possibility of. He tried to warn me off, that day at the hospital a thousand years ago. I wonder now if I should have let him, for both our sakes. What would our lives both be like now if I had? Would I be writing this curled up in Hohenheim's bed? Or would something else have happened to catalyse our breakup anyway? Most likely, come to think of it. While it was the events at the hospital and my subsequent behavior that pushed him away, had it not been that, it would have been something else eventually. Or perhaps nothing would have happened, and we'd still be together, but he'd come to resent me. That would be worse than things being the way they are now. I've gotten off track again. As for Tseng, I doubt I've had much of an impact on his daily life, but one thing I'm fairly certain of is that he would have shot Najica had I not been there that day. Would it have been better if he had? That's a question I don't have an answer for.
I wonder too if I'm displacing my feelings for Tseng onto Gun the way that I displaced my feelings for Hohenheim onto Kurtz. (For I've realized after some thought that that's exactly what I did- why else would I have snapped the way I did when he mentioned the idea of leaving? It's all my old abandonment issues popping up again.) Brenner teased me about my "ulterior motives" for inviting Gun to my apartment once we return. For once, though, I actually had none. I'm not going to make that mistake again, not with him, not until I figure out what my real feelings are. If that's even possible, which I'm beginning to doubt.
Reading over this again, I am amazed at how whiny and miserable I come across. I'm really not miserable, most of the time at least. Melancholy perhaps, though that's odd, because it's far more passive an emotion than I generally find in myself. Things are generally all or nothing with me. No grey areas. Now everything seems to be a grey area.
I want to go get drunk, but I've been doing that far too much lately. Most likely why I seem to be confused about everything all the time. Some clarity of thought would do me good right about now. I am, however, going to put this down and go walk around a bit. No New Year's Resolutions for now. Likely none later either. I've always felt that making them was just setting one's self up for disappointment.
~Mitsune