The difference
So, I am conflicted. Not a surprise really, I am usually conflicted about something or other. I suppose in a way everyone is, you can either act upon a thought or choose not to act upon a thought. Most people don't have much problems with that decision except in instances of a really big important question. [examples can include saying yes to a marraige proposal or something]
I, however, am not most people. I am constantly assailed by 'what-ifs' so to speak. I'm gifted, or cursed if you would rather, with a high brain power which can constantly discern the probablity of my present actions affecting the future, and how they will affect the future. In a way, I suppose you could call it anxiety.
It makes me rather uptight, for the most part I ignore it. But whenever it comes to something important, or rather when it comes to something that I cannot see the outcome completely to the end, I find I cannot make descisions. Bereft of my ability to judge the outcome and see the path I am completely and utterly useless.
Rather then doing something, acting upon a stimuli, taking a risk, or making a descision. I put it off, avoid the question, pass it off to someone else, or otherwise pretend it does not exist.
I suppose that's the reason I am single. It makes sense really, as I other humans are the most unpredictable variant in the world today. A relationship is entirely a gamble where the odds are never stable and the result is never certain. I automatically stick myself and everyone else in the friend zone to avoid the chaos and potential drama/pain/trauma/happiness that may or may not result should said persons and I date.
Now the result of these actions is that I am unhappy, those who would otherwise find it enjoyable to date me are unhappy [though undoubtably if they knew me they would not wish to date me so fervently] and generally my life is lonesome. However, it is stable. It is bereft of chaos, and it is always predictable. I thrice in stability.
This is why I suppose I do so much to damage myself. Why I do not try my hardest at things, why I wait till the last minute on projects, why I cannot leave a job that I loathe, why I never strike out on my own, and why I am utterly without a direction in this life or a plan of what to do with myself. Because, it is something that I know. I know if I do not try I will fail. I know if I do not start a relationship then it will not end badly. I do not leave my job because it is familiar to me. I do not try to make knew friends, because there is a risk they will not like me. In short, I am boring and predictable and generally reliable as I will always react the same way.
oddly enough, I don't think that bothers me in the least bit. Human beings are not meant to be solitary creatures. Without the lifes blood of social contact and human brethren then we shrivel up and die. It is a slow and painful death.
and yet, I find myself not caring if I am alone or not alone. In all honesty, I completely forget to notice it. It's a bit peculiar really. Yet, I think about it, and I don't think it would bother me that much if I didn't have contact with anyone ever again. Undoubtably my life would be very short though given my frail human state.
I was reminded this weekend though, that it has been a long time since I was last in contact with human beings. Real contact, where you look into someone's face and see a person rather then simply an image that has to be greeted in a particular way and handled according to social dictates. Where it is meaningful, and you know the others name, and you genuinely listen to what is said rather then simply nodding and smiling as we are so prone to doing in our hurried lives.
I was reminded that human contact is strangely missing in my life. You would think that I would notice that sort of thing, yet every time I am reminded of the fact it comes as a complete surprise. I have no doubt that humanity was meant to be a social group, but more then social we are meant to be expressive. To ... how shall I put this, be physical?
I don't know what it is about America, or whether it is in other areas of the world as well, but I have noticed a phenomena that people do not touch each other. We have bubbles of personal space, protective spheres that we all instinctively know not to violate that isolate us from everyone around us.
Think about it, how many complete stangers do you touch a day? A simple handshake, a pat on the shoulder, a high five, accidently brushing against someones arm? I think that if you really concidered it, you would be surprised by it. We don't think about it though. Hell, I rarely even notice except on those rare occasions when someone does touch me.
Anyway, I don't really have a point to that, just something that I noticed. Oddly enough on Friday I went to the beach and hung out with people and such. Which is why the above thoughts occured to me, due in part to that fact that I was hugging a great many people. I liked it. Human contact, but at the same time. I dunno, it's like... I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. THat I could live just as well with or without human contact.
Oddly enough, I wasn't perturbed by the fact I was single. Rather.... I had this bizare sensation of being the spinster aunt or something. God I feel like I'm ancient for some reason. It's a rather annoying sensation to have. The feeling of great maturity, age, and wisdom. The feeling of being beyond something.
In all honesty I do not want to date anyone. I haven't really ever wanted to 'date' someone. I can't explain what it is that I want, but it's not dating. I watch these young couples go out and have fun, and look at each other with adoring eyes, and hold hands, and steal kisses when they think no one is looking. I watch the foolish games they play with each other.
Truthfully, they are selfish creatures and their relationships are selfish as well. I would even venture to say that they and their relationships are shallow. Easily understood and even easier to see past the thin masks they place to hide their inner turmoil and hideousness. Frankly it makes me rather weary to watch.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really care what they do with their time. It's just... it seems so pointless.
We flounder about in this life much how fish flop unnaturally on land. We speak but we do not hear one another, we look but we do not see one another. We spend our entire lives in darkness and pretend it is the light. In reality none of us knows a damn thing about anyone else. In reality, we know barely anything about ourselves. Yet we pretend that we know each other, we pretend we know who we are. What we are. We pretend we have it all figured out.
Oh yes, the proud and mighty human race has it all figured out in the universe. Blind, deaf, and dumb children bumbling about in the dark is what we are. The damnable thing is that we don't even care.
we're happy to be blind, deaf, and dumb. Let the universe look after itself, so long as it leaves us alone to our blissful ignorance.
How many of you are really happy though? In all honesty how many of you really feel there is someone who knows you, who understands you, who cares about you? How many of you really know anyone else? How many of you really know who we are, what we are, where we are? In all honesty, how many of you if you were given the chance to truly see would take it? Or would you prefer to continue onward in ignorance and oblivion.
There is an ultimate truth in the universe. There are things that cannot be comprehended by the human mind. That defy all logic the human mind is capable of fathoming. That bend the rules of reality and sometimes completely ignore it all together. There are things in this universe that are bent on our utter destruction, that live on choas and pain, that live to breed hatred in the hearts of man. Man cannot see them, cannot fathom them and so do not acknowledge their existence just as they do not acknowledge the existence of the one who created them.
Man is a fool.
Simply because you do not acknowledge the truth, does not make it any less of a truth.
Just because you turn the light off and can no longer see the table, does not mean the table is no longer there.
Saturday was the beach, got a massive burn. It hurts badly. I'm tired. Weary I would say. I can't rightly explain it though. Not in anyway that you will understand.
I have work in the morning.
For instance, why am I going to AFO? I don't remember in the least bit. It seems rather pointless really, a waste of money that will undoubtably be needed somewhere else.
And why am I friends with those I'm friends with?
For that matter, why do I bother with the internet at all. It doesn't amuse me anymore, not much does really. I am... nothing. Neither happy, nor sad. Simply nothing. I'm not even content. There's just... nothing.
It's a strange sensation. I have no will to do anything at all. frankly I'd be perfectly fine just lying here on my bed doing nothing for the rest of my life. I don't even feel like dreaming anymore.
I used to want to dream badly, I craved it. The escape to the perfect worlds of my imagination. To sleep and leave behind reality for a few hours at night. It was restful, now it just seems tiresome. Even my dreams are tiresome.
This too shall pass I suppose. all things pass eventually.
I don't know what I want. Perhaps that's why I want nothing. Perhaps that's why I want everything. Who knows, who really cares. Not I says the cat.
I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
OH, Nabeshin, I left a blank journal in the back of your car. Not sure if you will get this, but if you do please hold onto that for me till I see you saturday at the oushi meeting. It would be greatly appreciated.
ALso, in general update wise, it was a pleasant weekend and I am quite pleased with how I spent my time. It was highly enjoyable and we should all do it again sometime. though I doubt my checking account could take that sort of thing every weekend.
I, however, am not most people. I am constantly assailed by 'what-ifs' so to speak. I'm gifted, or cursed if you would rather, with a high brain power which can constantly discern the probablity of my present actions affecting the future, and how they will affect the future. In a way, I suppose you could call it anxiety.
It makes me rather uptight, for the most part I ignore it. But whenever it comes to something important, or rather when it comes to something that I cannot see the outcome completely to the end, I find I cannot make descisions. Bereft of my ability to judge the outcome and see the path I am completely and utterly useless.
Rather then doing something, acting upon a stimuli, taking a risk, or making a descision. I put it off, avoid the question, pass it off to someone else, or otherwise pretend it does not exist.
I suppose that's the reason I am single. It makes sense really, as I other humans are the most unpredictable variant in the world today. A relationship is entirely a gamble where the odds are never stable and the result is never certain. I automatically stick myself and everyone else in the friend zone to avoid the chaos and potential drama/pain/trauma/happiness that may or may not result should said persons and I date.
Now the result of these actions is that I am unhappy, those who would otherwise find it enjoyable to date me are unhappy [though undoubtably if they knew me they would not wish to date me so fervently] and generally my life is lonesome. However, it is stable. It is bereft of chaos, and it is always predictable. I thrice in stability.
This is why I suppose I do so much to damage myself. Why I do not try my hardest at things, why I wait till the last minute on projects, why I cannot leave a job that I loathe, why I never strike out on my own, and why I am utterly without a direction in this life or a plan of what to do with myself. Because, it is something that I know. I know if I do not try I will fail. I know if I do not start a relationship then it will not end badly. I do not leave my job because it is familiar to me. I do not try to make knew friends, because there is a risk they will not like me. In short, I am boring and predictable and generally reliable as I will always react the same way.
oddly enough, I don't think that bothers me in the least bit. Human beings are not meant to be solitary creatures. Without the lifes blood of social contact and human brethren then we shrivel up and die. It is a slow and painful death.
and yet, I find myself not caring if I am alone or not alone. In all honesty, I completely forget to notice it. It's a bit peculiar really. Yet, I think about it, and I don't think it would bother me that much if I didn't have contact with anyone ever again. Undoubtably my life would be very short though given my frail human state.
I was reminded this weekend though, that it has been a long time since I was last in contact with human beings. Real contact, where you look into someone's face and see a person rather then simply an image that has to be greeted in a particular way and handled according to social dictates. Where it is meaningful, and you know the others name, and you genuinely listen to what is said rather then simply nodding and smiling as we are so prone to doing in our hurried lives.
I was reminded that human contact is strangely missing in my life. You would think that I would notice that sort of thing, yet every time I am reminded of the fact it comes as a complete surprise. I have no doubt that humanity was meant to be a social group, but more then social we are meant to be expressive. To ... how shall I put this, be physical?
I don't know what it is about America, or whether it is in other areas of the world as well, but I have noticed a phenomena that people do not touch each other. We have bubbles of personal space, protective spheres that we all instinctively know not to violate that isolate us from everyone around us.
Think about it, how many complete stangers do you touch a day? A simple handshake, a pat on the shoulder, a high five, accidently brushing against someones arm? I think that if you really concidered it, you would be surprised by it. We don't think about it though. Hell, I rarely even notice except on those rare occasions when someone does touch me.
Anyway, I don't really have a point to that, just something that I noticed. Oddly enough on Friday I went to the beach and hung out with people and such. Which is why the above thoughts occured to me, due in part to that fact that I was hugging a great many people. I liked it. Human contact, but at the same time. I dunno, it's like... I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. THat I could live just as well with or without human contact.
Oddly enough, I wasn't perturbed by the fact I was single. Rather.... I had this bizare sensation of being the spinster aunt or something. God I feel like I'm ancient for some reason. It's a rather annoying sensation to have. The feeling of great maturity, age, and wisdom. The feeling of being beyond something.
In all honesty I do not want to date anyone. I haven't really ever wanted to 'date' someone. I can't explain what it is that I want, but it's not dating. I watch these young couples go out and have fun, and look at each other with adoring eyes, and hold hands, and steal kisses when they think no one is looking. I watch the foolish games they play with each other.
Truthfully, they are selfish creatures and their relationships are selfish as well. I would even venture to say that they and their relationships are shallow. Easily understood and even easier to see past the thin masks they place to hide their inner turmoil and hideousness. Frankly it makes me rather weary to watch.
Don't get me wrong, I don't really care what they do with their time. It's just... it seems so pointless.
We flounder about in this life much how fish flop unnaturally on land. We speak but we do not hear one another, we look but we do not see one another. We spend our entire lives in darkness and pretend it is the light. In reality none of us knows a damn thing about anyone else. In reality, we know barely anything about ourselves. Yet we pretend that we know each other, we pretend we know who we are. What we are. We pretend we have it all figured out.
Oh yes, the proud and mighty human race has it all figured out in the universe. Blind, deaf, and dumb children bumbling about in the dark is what we are. The damnable thing is that we don't even care.
we're happy to be blind, deaf, and dumb. Let the universe look after itself, so long as it leaves us alone to our blissful ignorance.
How many of you are really happy though? In all honesty how many of you really feel there is someone who knows you, who understands you, who cares about you? How many of you really know anyone else? How many of you really know who we are, what we are, where we are? In all honesty, how many of you if you were given the chance to truly see would take it? Or would you prefer to continue onward in ignorance and oblivion.
There is an ultimate truth in the universe. There are things that cannot be comprehended by the human mind. That defy all logic the human mind is capable of fathoming. That bend the rules of reality and sometimes completely ignore it all together. There are things in this universe that are bent on our utter destruction, that live on choas and pain, that live to breed hatred in the hearts of man. Man cannot see them, cannot fathom them and so do not acknowledge their existence just as they do not acknowledge the existence of the one who created them.
Man is a fool.
Simply because you do not acknowledge the truth, does not make it any less of a truth.
Just because you turn the light off and can no longer see the table, does not mean the table is no longer there.
Saturday was the beach, got a massive burn. It hurts badly. I'm tired. Weary I would say. I can't rightly explain it though. Not in anyway that you will understand.
I have work in the morning.
For instance, why am I going to AFO? I don't remember in the least bit. It seems rather pointless really, a waste of money that will undoubtably be needed somewhere else.
And why am I friends with those I'm friends with?
For that matter, why do I bother with the internet at all. It doesn't amuse me anymore, not much does really. I am... nothing. Neither happy, nor sad. Simply nothing. I'm not even content. There's just... nothing.
It's a strange sensation. I have no will to do anything at all. frankly I'd be perfectly fine just lying here on my bed doing nothing for the rest of my life. I don't even feel like dreaming anymore.
I used to want to dream badly, I craved it. The escape to the perfect worlds of my imagination. To sleep and leave behind reality for a few hours at night. It was restful, now it just seems tiresome. Even my dreams are tiresome.
This too shall pass I suppose. all things pass eventually.
I don't know what I want. Perhaps that's why I want nothing. Perhaps that's why I want everything. Who knows, who really cares. Not I says the cat.
I'm going to bed. Goodnight.
OH, Nabeshin, I left a blank journal in the back of your car. Not sure if you will get this, but if you do please hold onto that for me till I see you saturday at the oushi meeting. It would be greatly appreciated.
ALso, in general update wise, it was a pleasant weekend and I am quite pleased with how I spent my time. It was highly enjoyable and we should all do it again sometime. though I doubt my checking account could take that sort of thing every weekend.