Initiate *somewhat angry* emo rant mode
So I was contemplating going to AFO, and was looking at the site earlier. Not sure about it yet and all that. Would love to go, but I want to know that there will be people I know at the convention and stuff. No point in going to a con if I won't have the option to chill with people.
Anyway, He comes in and informs that dinner was ready. I'm not particularly hungry so I say that I'll be there in a sec as I'm checking out AFO. He does one of those sarcastic comments of :And I care why?
Which isn't the part that bothered me. That's sort of just the way we communicate. I got my sarcastic bastard tendencies from somewhere after all. ^.^
Well I signed off the internet and went out, nothing looked very appitizing being as I don't really like hot dogs. [in fact anytime I can avoid eating them is a good time] So basically my mother makes a comment about AFO along the lines of, "You aren't going to that are you?"
So I say, "I was thinking about it, haven't decided yet, why? It's in the end of July." I guess my thoughts at the time were something along the lines about the upcoming trip at the end of June which it wouldn't conflict with, and it's not over July Fourth weekend so it wouldn't conflict then either. So I was all like, well what else is there type thing.
She was all like, "Oh, well I just think you're spending alot of money on these things."
Now you think that would irk me since stuff like that usually does, but for some reason I've been in an actually good mood today and it didn't bother me. The usual sarcastic thought that it's my own money to do with what I want didn't even occur to me.
What bothers me is my father's next statement. He was all like, "You should get a life."
To which I made the mistake of thinking out loud that I did have a life. [Afterall, life is but the intake of breath from one moment to the next. What you do with your time is totally different. =P]
Basically his next comment, don't recall the exact wording, ran somewhere along the lines that he meant a real life with real friends. To which I replied, "I have friends." All confused and wondering what the hell he thought I spent all my time online doing and why I go to cons in the first place and a plethora of logical crap that has no place in the minds of adults I suppose.
Well his response was what we call a personal attack, or I suppose it could be a red herring arguement. Where you say something unrelated to the original topic of conversation in order to change the subject or prove a point without actually proving anything.
At any rate his exact words were, "You think any of those people actually care about you?"
yes. He said that. which basically put me on the defensive, the only thing that stopped it from becoming a full blown arguement was that I was in a relatively good mood today. My response was the ever sarcastic and also faulty arguement, "You think anyone in America really cares about anyone Else?"
He basically called out his friend who was eating dinner with us tonight and asked if said friend cared about him, to which the response is of course yes. The arguement sort of just died after that because while I had a whole bunch I could have said in support of my arguement that noone really 'cares' about anyone I didn't feel like getting into an arguement.
I ate some beans. Wasn't hungry and I really don't like hot dogs. So I ate some of the bbq beans. They're all right. My mother must have made them. She makes really good food. I wish I could cook like her. I suppose it's because she puts love into her cooking. As odd as that sounds when something is cooked by someone who loves you it tastes better then when it isn't.
Anyway, drank water and had some watermellon after that. Prolly would have chilled more with my family but I don't really feel like talking to any of them and don't really have anything to say to them.
My last two ex's are exactly like my father. Exactly. They're awesome, intelligent, loving, caring, capable of great kindness, generous, wonderful people, and romantic: Their good points are numerous. Yet they all have this dark side, and boy do you not want to be on that dark side. They all have a nasty habit of hurting the ones they love most the worst too. Pathological lyers, argumentative, passive agressive, spiteful, snide, unthoughtful, uncaring and generally mean as a werecat with it's tail stuck in a trap.
bastards.... Just when you start liking them and trusting them they do something so insanely unpredictable, and you never see it coming, it always just BAM upside the head leaving you sitting there bewildered as to what happened and why they would say something so hurtful, even in an unintentional way.
AND then my parents wonder why I don't go back to dating caleb, or why I ever dated Brandon in the first place. Fucking imbeciles. I date them and leave them for THE SAME REASON! Because they remind me of my father.
MEN let this be a warning to you all! When you become father's you better make damn well sure you treat your wife and children fabulously, because your sons will turn out just like you and your daughters will marry as big [if not bigger] an asshole as you were.
Asshole. -.-
Think I don't know noone gives a damn about me. I know. I don't need to fucking be reminded that all my friendships are built on a shoddy thread of civility that will shatter any moment and will never stand the test of time.
I fucking know it. Got nothing to do with the people I'm friends with either because they're all upstanding and good people, down to the last one of them. Best friends anyone could ask for. It's because I'm a fucking ass that's why. I try though, honestly I do try. I'm just bad when it comes to relationships. I don't mind being relied on but I have problems connecting with people. I keep myself within barriers that I've built for my own protection. You can call me crazy if you want, but I am an empath and any sort of extreme emotion I am under gets transfered to the people around me. That's why it's bad if I get angry, not because I can't control it but because everyone in the vicinty of me gets angry too. It's the mob effect, or the riot effect you might say. Like a cold it just spreads. Any emotion I feel like that and then prodcaste. It's not in my nature to be a sedate person. Everything I do I do completely, it's the only way I know how to be.
I seal myself inside the walls because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of being hurt yes, but I'm more afraid of hurting others really. I have this horrible fear of rejection actually, dealt with it and getting better at it now that I've started making myself into someone I want me to be rather then living up to the expectations of everyone else. I can't completely and wholey give myself to my friends. I suppose it's because I'm the listener. When people have problems they come to me, I listen to them. They tell me their hopes and fears, their secrets, their worries. They tell me their lives and I listen and they feel better from whatever it is that bothers them. HOw do you talk to someone you always listen to thought? How can you tell someone who has it ten times worse then you how bad your day was? You can't. It's pointless, utterly pointless.
I don't have a bad life. I have a good job. I'm happy, I get paid well, I'm healthy. I haven't anything to bitch about that's worth bitching about. There's nothing to talk about. BUt friendships aren't one way things. I am the friend of many and do not have many friends. It isn't because of the people that I consider my friends, like I said before they're all great people and anyone is priviligeded to call them a friend, it's because I don't take the time or the effort to really talk to them. I suppose because I'm an ass. it's the way I am though. It's the way my mother is, and probably my grandmother before her. I grew up in. So whether it's a genetic trait or a learned trait matters not because either way I'm screwed.
personally I don't mind though. I'm happy how I am and with what I have. I'm happy doing what I do most of the time. I suppose that's a damn personality thing too because I'm always fucking happy. Even when I'm depressed as shit I'm happy. So long as the people I concern myself over are happy then I am happy. You could say I live vicariously.... I suppose that's why I role play. What else am I supposed to do though?
My life is boring as hell and probably will be till the day I die. I don't know anyone long enough to make lasting friendships, never have. Lasting relationships of anykind. I grew up traveling the Renessaince fair, so we were in a different state every month, sometimes every week. I had friends at this fair, and friends at that, sometimes they were the same and sometimes not. You learn to make due with what you have, to be happy no matter what life sends your way, and to make every second count. You learn to consider everyone a friend and to always invite everyone to join in the game. You learn not to anticipate seeing anyone, but rather to take joy in seeing them when you see them and not worry about it when you don't. You learn an odd sort of friendship, where no matter the distance that has seperated you or the time you've been apart you just pick right back up where you were at.
I'm horrible at keeping in touch with people. It never even occurs to me. I never realized you were even supposed to until I went to public school. Somewhere between ninth grade and twelth the realization hit in that I'm abnormal. That where I reside now is no the same world that I grew up in and that I had to learn everything over again. I can't shake off that feeling though.
That's why I love cons so much and anime fans and going to conventions because it reminds me of the world I left behind. When you go to a convention noone cares what your name is, they don't care if they've never met you before or if they will even see ou again they invite you play the game. They include you in their numbers as though you've always been there. You may never speak to them outside of the convention or see them until the next years convention, but when you walk into that convention it's like no time was lost. It's magic. ^.^
It's true that not many anime fans have the same beliefs as me. It's true that our morals are vastly different that we have different backgrounds and that it doesn't make sense that any of us are friends, but we belong together. We are a family, in a crrazy mixed up sort of way. We are a family. And the people you meet at conventions are good people. Better then ninety percent of the average american you meet on the street.
I know my family would prefer that I find people with similiar interests to me in clearwater, that I make 'friends' in clearwater. They're all phonies though. Fakers, posers... hypocrits. I hate hyprocrits. [well not really hate as I'm incapable of such an emotion.. damn bleeding heart.. I love everything. T.T] But I don't want to associate with hypocrits. I don't have anything in common with anyone here. Heck, half the people you meet here don't even live here! When am I supposed to meet these people then? At work? Work is work, and if it were not for the mutual time spent working I would not even have talked to half the people in my work. I cannot be friends with the people at my work because they do not interest me. I care about them as human beings, but I don't have a desire to spend time outside of work with them and they don't with me. School? I'm not in school to make friends, I'm there to get a degree and I have never believed in making friends with people simply because we share a space. Friendship is deeper then that. [doesn't mean I wouldn't give my life for them if need be, or give them a dollar for the vending machine if I saw them in the hall, I just don't have an interest in befriending them]
My old high school friends are all losers: Theives, lyers, high school drop outs, druggies, bums, emo kids, crazy ect. ect. Their lives are going nowhere and they drag everyone down with them as they sink into the toilet of d00m. Only one of them is worth remaining a friend with and I would actually consider a friend.[I love you Rachael!]
So what's left? My weekends are spent in Tampa, where once again I know only a handful of people most of whom are busy. When exactly am I supposed to meet these so called 'friends' in clearwater? And how, when I work ten hours a day till the weekend, [when I go to Tampa] am I supposed to have a 'real' life?
When my father made the crack about real life I asked him, "What, you mean work and sleep?" heh... without cons and doing stuff with OUshi and OA that's what my life would comprise of. It would be high school all over again. Funny, they never complained in high school other to say I was spending too much time in my room and they were 'worried' about me. That I should get out more, and now that I am they still complain.
You would think they would come to an understanding by now. I've been a fan of anime for over seven years now. It's not a fad that I'm just going to one day wake up from and say, "Wow I've waisted my life on a bunch of stupid cartoons." I'm just tired of it. To give them credit they don't pester me about my anime watching habits any longer. My mother has come to the conclusion that not all anime is bad I guess. I just wish they would let me live my own life.
I'm not bad off really. I get my school work assignments in on time. I go to class nearly every day I have class scheduled. I work like a pack mule and never call in sick unless I'm dying. I'm rarely late to work. I pay my bills. I don't have a credit card that I'm racking up debt on. it's not like I'm anorexic or have some other type of disorder that's life threatening. I go to work, I come home, and i unwind for a few hours on the computer. The more stressful the day I have the longer I stay on the computer because it realxes me.
It's not like I go out drinking every weekend. Or that I hang out with pot heads and smoke god knows what, or that I go clubbing and do X and have wild orgy parties. I'm a fairly tame person really. I suppose I shouldn't let this crap get to me so much. heh.
Anyway.... I feel somewhat desolate at the moment. Heh... whatever. Got work in the morning. I'll prolly go surf OA or something till it's time to get up or I get bored and go to sleep.
pff.... really ruins a good buzz. -.-