im beginning to hate my life more & more.........
(dont take offensive to this entry because:
1. me and god have a relationship beyond most people and he is more like my good friend, so when i yell at him he doesnt take offense....you wouldnt get it because you dont get our relationship but im not into the whole religion mumbo jumbo. i mean it works for some people but not me. i cant talk to god all proper and by the rules, sometimes i gotta throw down with god and yell at him like "WHAT ARE U DOING?!?!?" its our thing.........so there...
2. im an extremely pissed off little girl and im in a ranting rave right now so i cursed alot in here.)
i hate everything right now. i hate it all. nothing in my life ever is what i want. i dont seem to have anything but the shitty end of the stick in everything. my ife has been nothing but hurdles and hurdles of shit to jump over and i cant seem to get through it. my mother, as EVERYONE knows is currently unemployed and is a lazy bum. i resent her more and more evryday because she seems to just be a leach off of everyone. i love her to death but i resent the way she lives her life. she constantly rings my father up for money taking any money away thatd be for me, so that she can have things she doesnt need. and so she doesnt have to have a job either. my father just got layed off this week, and his last day will be jan. 31, 2006. how fucking wonderul delta airlines. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ADDING TO THE PILE OF CRAP I HAVE IN MY LIFE. i really appreciate it. my father has worked there since he was 19 years old, 31 years and that cant let him retire? how fucking sick is that? thats basically the only job my father has ever had. ever known. and they are throwing him out in the wind. i hate people. they amaze me with how horrible they can be. how great is that? i will have to unemployed parents in feb. and i will be a college student. how great. no medical insurance for me either. thats spiffy. that means no medicine for me, or the constant doctors visits i need or the constant random testing either. great. how great. im loving it more and more just thinking about it. ya know this is beginning to get better and better...............
i hate god because he took frankie from me and i cant find a single damn good reason y. im sick of hearing the "maybe he needed him up there" i dont give a fuck what he "might of" needed. I NEED HIM HERE AND I NEED HIM NOW. everyday i think about that and everyday it eats away at my heart at how much i need him. i want him. and i cant stop thinking about it and it gets worse and worse. people lied to me when i was young. saying "itll get better as time passes". it isnt getting any better. it gets harder, and more confusing for me. sometimes i forget that he was a real person and think he was just a figment of my imagination that everyone else lets me believe was real. sometimes i forget what he look like, or sounded like, or what it was like to hug him. how terrible of a sister am i? i beat myself up about it and i dont know why. i blame myself for tooo much of it.