Welcome to the desert of the real
So, not much to say beside nitty-gritty details of weirdness.
For-instance: I have a tendency to become aware of big changes - even ones that have happened gradually - right at the end, all at once and as such tend to become a bit overwhelmed by the implications and freak out a little.
I also have a habit of testing myself - putting myself on trial in a way - doing things that I don't really want to do but feel I should at least try once, to see if I am capable for future reference. These are generally things that I see as (or that others would presumably see as) "good". So I'm not talking about mainlining some class A or attacking someone with a knife - quite the opposite; from seeing if I can simply go without alcohol/drugs altogether and seeing how it affects me, to trying every other avenue of thought - particularly more positive ones - and experimenting with them for a long time (often too long) before I decide whether my own feelings/beliefs still make sense to me and if so whether they are acceptable and good.
This all sounds kind of good in theory, but I do tend to take it too far and as such - somewhere in the back of my mind - I'm often thinking "as much as I'd like it to be, this isn't me" about one thing or the other.
It's to some degree a confidence issue and to some degree wanting to lead a life that isn't just sleeping with people and listening to Green Day*.
I'm sometimes just too cautious and often don't trust my character enough to not fuck things up for me. This is particularly evident in relationships - essentially an inferiority complex.
Of course, the flaw (besides it not helping me feel good about myself) is that eventually these "experiments" end - either due to me feeling confident enough to discard them or simply because I don't feel right keeping them up any longer - and (as mentioned at the beginning) as I tend to notice changes all at once, the shift in gear can cause a bit of grinding and jarring. Of course, this rough, sudden transition is more likely to set in motion the end of a relationship than anything else.
When I was very young I was - as many will attest - fucked up. Not in any dangerous, particularly unpleasant way, but due to
a) being a little weird already (I sense that if it weren't for everything else I may have become "cool weird" in later life)
b) the - originally - undiagnosed epilepsy which saw me treated as a misbehaving freak
c) moving schools many many times
d) my parents' divorce(?)
my social skills were at best - SHIT. It has taken me a long time to develop them, for the naivety of a primary school child is punished dearly in a secondary school and the same went for secondary school to university. I did indeed learn a very hard and painful way, but I feel I am catching - and indeed have perhaps caught - up. I am maybe just a little hesitant to admit it at times.
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I have been so distrusting of myself and felt the need for this constant testing.
HOWEVER:
During the last year there has been realisation after realisation that I have actually turned out in a way that I am not too ashamed of. Being with Corinne - the first girlfriend I feel I can truly be myself with without feeling ashamed/judged/stupid - has helped considerably. My occasional, moderate paranoia surrounding us is I think nothing but normal, er... "healthy", illogical fear of the relationship ever ending due to how much I treasure it.
I think also that as much as it has been a bummer, being away from people (at least, people I like!) has allowed a level of reflection previously impossible. I do think too much but this was good thinking. In fact it hasn't felt like thinking at all, which is strange as it just felt like this confidence and inner-peace has come to me from nowhere.
So yes. I know who I am, I know what I like and now, most importantly - I trust myself to not fuck things up without being "on trial" in some way.
*I would like to point out that this is poetic license and by no means the extent of my basic interests and desires!
In other, less nitty-gritty news:
NORWICH.
Sound good?
For-instance: I have a tendency to become aware of big changes - even ones that have happened gradually - right at the end, all at once and as such tend to become a bit overwhelmed by the implications and freak out a little.
I also have a habit of testing myself - putting myself on trial in a way - doing things that I don't really want to do but feel I should at least try once, to see if I am capable for future reference. These are generally things that I see as (or that others would presumably see as) "good". So I'm not talking about mainlining some class A or attacking someone with a knife - quite the opposite; from seeing if I can simply go without alcohol/drugs altogether and seeing how it affects me, to trying every other avenue of thought - particularly more positive ones - and experimenting with them for a long time (often too long) before I decide whether my own feelings/beliefs still make sense to me and if so whether they are acceptable and good.
This all sounds kind of good in theory, but I do tend to take it too far and as such - somewhere in the back of my mind - I'm often thinking "as much as I'd like it to be, this isn't me" about one thing or the other.
It's to some degree a confidence issue and to some degree wanting to lead a life that isn't just sleeping with people and listening to Green Day*.
I'm sometimes just too cautious and often don't trust my character enough to not fuck things up for me. This is particularly evident in relationships - essentially an inferiority complex.
Of course, the flaw (besides it not helping me feel good about myself) is that eventually these "experiments" end - either due to me feeling confident enough to discard them or simply because I don't feel right keeping them up any longer - and (as mentioned at the beginning) as I tend to notice changes all at once, the shift in gear can cause a bit of grinding and jarring. Of course, this rough, sudden transition is more likely to set in motion the end of a relationship than anything else.
When I was very young I was - as many will attest - fucked up. Not in any dangerous, particularly unpleasant way, but due to
a) being a little weird already (I sense that if it weren't for everything else I may have become "cool weird" in later life)
b) the - originally - undiagnosed epilepsy which saw me treated as a misbehaving freak
c) moving schools many many times
d) my parents' divorce(?)
my social skills were at best - SHIT. It has taken me a long time to develop them, for the naivety of a primary school child is punished dearly in a secondary school and the same went for secondary school to university. I did indeed learn a very hard and painful way, but I feel I am catching - and indeed have perhaps caught - up. I am maybe just a little hesitant to admit it at times.
Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why I have been so distrusting of myself and felt the need for this constant testing.
HOWEVER:
During the last year there has been realisation after realisation that I have actually turned out in a way that I am not too ashamed of. Being with Corinne - the first girlfriend I feel I can truly be myself with without feeling ashamed/judged/stupid - has helped considerably. My occasional, moderate paranoia surrounding us is I think nothing but normal, er... "healthy", illogical fear of the relationship ever ending due to how much I treasure it.
I think also that as much as it has been a bummer, being away from people (at least, people I like!) has allowed a level of reflection previously impossible. I do think too much but this was good thinking. In fact it hasn't felt like thinking at all, which is strange as it just felt like this confidence and inner-peace has come to me from nowhere.
So yes. I know who I am, I know what I like and now, most importantly - I trust myself to not fuck things up without being "on trial" in some way.
*I would like to point out that this is poetic license and by no means the extent of my basic interests and desires!
In other, less nitty-gritty news:
NORWICH.
Sound good?