like having a velociraptor in my pants..
Apparently I'm emotional today. hormones doesn't make anything better. I can't stand myself on my period. All emotions, nothing rational, all pain, nausea, and annoyance - and apparently today is the day I open your box Donkey.
I realise I haven't worked through the pain and the hurt after Donkey. Stupid donkey. I learned a lot, and I grew so well. But there's a lot of residual stuff left to go through. Or many I just need to allow myself to feel all of that. Because I didn't. I just turned off like a faucet and went from warmth into full on ice. I had to - as to not fold, to just move on strong and like the force of nature that I am.
Everyone's gone, but no one's leavin'
Nobody left but us
Tryna chase a feelin', but we'll never feel it
Ridin' on the last train home
Dyin' in our sleep, we're living out a dream
We only make it out alone
I just keep on hopin' that you call me
You say you wanna see me, but you can't right now
You never took the time to get to know me
Was scared of losin' somethin' that we never found
We're running out of reasons, but we can't let go
I still have troubles listening to Kaino and Hiboky - or anything else you left me. I still have all of it - and I realize that all of the lyrics was so right. All the broken promises, all the raging outbursts, all of the lies and the bullshit.And even through all of that - I wish you well, I hope that you will find your balance, and find yourself. I've seen your core and I know that it's beautiful. I know the reasons of your outbursts, and how it's all for protecting yourself.I know your doubts and your fears and why you lash out and behave like a pice of shit. but nobody can save you - except yourself. and I hope that you can forgive yourself as well. I feel pity for you,for the heart inside you're so scared of.
There are so many different types of love and loving. I've felt most of them by now. I definitely loved you, it was soft, and tender, sweet, and light. it felt like the first breeze of the spring. And it kicked up my creativty into full blast. I am greatful to have kept that creativity decently flowing since.
Now I need to reclaim the music - because I love the musc, all of it. I even kept your music. Because no matter how it ended, there was an amazing middle and an amazing start. And at the end of the day, I will keep that - I will hold on to that, and I will love that. Because when I can love all of that, I can love the shadows inside of me that you showed me. They were deep and dark and horrible. So much fear. Bec ause we both did that - we brought out the darknest shadows in one another. I will work on mine, and I hope that you will work on yours as well.
Be well Donkey. and Thank you for all of the memories, the lessons, and the love.