Let's Talk January: Advice on Arguing!
mishagirl asked for any advice on meeting 'the one' or finding love in general?
Oh, ugh, on the topic of meeting someone I'm utterly useless, because it's been so long since I've dated (I have not dated since the World Wide Web came into existence, so...yeah) and most of my pre-marriage relationships were pretty feckless things that I fell into largely in disbelief that someone might be interested in me so I'd better go for it. :P I can, however, talk a little bit about what I think helps maintain my relationship (I guess keeping love is a big part of finding it, right? Right?)
The skill that I've had to work on a lot is an ability to "go meta." That is, to step back and step up above an argument and talk about what the issues are that are causing it. I don't know about you guys, but personally I always end up arguing with my partner about the most ludicrous things, and then we both get angrier because we KNOW it's a stupid thing, but then we've backed ourselves into corners and can't seem to get out of them. Like, let's say (purely hypothetically!) that I'm having an argument with my partner about the fact that...say...I tried to make hummus and I ruined it because I misread the recipe.
"How could you ruin something so simple?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I just forgot I halved the recipe but didn't halve the liquid. It's no big deal, right?"
"Of course it's no big deal, but didn't it even cross your mind that it seemed like a lot of liquid for that amount of chickpeas?"
"Look, I said I was sorry! Why can't you just let it drop when I make a mistake, why have you got to harp on it endlessly?"
"I don't think it's harping on something to ask twice what you were thinking."
"Well now it's three times and you're definitely harping!"
"You get so defensive so fast! I can't even mention you made a mistake? We have to pretend you never make mistakes?"
"If you're so damn perfect you can make the hummus yourself! I'm sure yours will be flawless!"
"Okay, you're being irrational and--"
"Oh, don't you dare!"
[angry glaring all around, compounded by everyone feeling ridiculous because this is an argument over literally TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF INGREDIENTS]
Well, obviously this isn't an argument about chickpeas and olive oil, not really. But at this point there's no getting out of it and we both feel really trapped. When we're busy and stressed and don't have the time or energy, we usually just leave it there and walk away and let it fade out, and that's fine, but it doesn't help deal with underlying problems in the long run. What usually has to happen to really get through these kinds of ridiculous dead ends is that one of us has to take a deep breath and say "I'm sorry. Wait. I think I'm reacting so strongly because my father always used to make fun of me for failing at basic household tasks, and so I feel helpless and react kind of childishly." Or "Hold on. I think we started to go wrong because I've been feeling guilty that I wasn't helping with dinner, and I so I kind of snapped at you." Even just saying something like "Wait, we're both really tired and worried about your mother's surgery right now, that's making this hard" helps a lot to give a kind of...emergency exit door out of the corner you feel backed into.
Of course, you both have to be willing to take that emergency exit and not continue to hammer on the other person, but that's my advice for those awful squabbles where both of you want out but it can be hard to find a way to defuse everything.
Or, you know, you could trick the other person into thinking they're going to die in two minutes so they'd better tell you how they really feel. :P < /sherlock >
Oh, ugh, on the topic of meeting someone I'm utterly useless, because it's been so long since I've dated (I have not dated since the World Wide Web came into existence, so...yeah) and most of my pre-marriage relationships were pretty feckless things that I fell into largely in disbelief that someone might be interested in me so I'd better go for it. :P I can, however, talk a little bit about what I think helps maintain my relationship (I guess keeping love is a big part of finding it, right? Right?)
The skill that I've had to work on a lot is an ability to "go meta." That is, to step back and step up above an argument and talk about what the issues are that are causing it. I don't know about you guys, but personally I always end up arguing with my partner about the most ludicrous things, and then we both get angrier because we KNOW it's a stupid thing, but then we've backed ourselves into corners and can't seem to get out of them. Like, let's say (purely hypothetically!) that I'm having an argument with my partner about the fact that...say...I tried to make hummus and I ruined it because I misread the recipe.
"How could you ruin something so simple?"
"Look, I'm sorry. I just forgot I halved the recipe but didn't halve the liquid. It's no big deal, right?"
"Of course it's no big deal, but didn't it even cross your mind that it seemed like a lot of liquid for that amount of chickpeas?"
"Look, I said I was sorry! Why can't you just let it drop when I make a mistake, why have you got to harp on it endlessly?"
"I don't think it's harping on something to ask twice what you were thinking."
"Well now it's three times and you're definitely harping!"
"You get so defensive so fast! I can't even mention you made a mistake? We have to pretend you never make mistakes?"
"If you're so damn perfect you can make the hummus yourself! I'm sure yours will be flawless!"
"Okay, you're being irrational and--"
"Oh, don't you dare!"
[angry glaring all around, compounded by everyone feeling ridiculous because this is an argument over literally TWO DOLLARS WORTH OF INGREDIENTS]
Well, obviously this isn't an argument about chickpeas and olive oil, not really. But at this point there's no getting out of it and we both feel really trapped. When we're busy and stressed and don't have the time or energy, we usually just leave it there and walk away and let it fade out, and that's fine, but it doesn't help deal with underlying problems in the long run. What usually has to happen to really get through these kinds of ridiculous dead ends is that one of us has to take a deep breath and say "I'm sorry. Wait. I think I'm reacting so strongly because my father always used to make fun of me for failing at basic household tasks, and so I feel helpless and react kind of childishly." Or "Hold on. I think we started to go wrong because I've been feeling guilty that I wasn't helping with dinner, and I so I kind of snapped at you." Even just saying something like "Wait, we're both really tired and worried about your mother's surgery right now, that's making this hard" helps a lot to give a kind of...emergency exit door out of the corner you feel backed into.
Of course, you both have to be willing to take that emergency exit and not continue to hammer on the other person, but that's my advice for those awful squabbles where both of you want out but it can be hard to find a way to defuse everything.
Or, you know, you could trick the other person into thinking they're going to die in two minutes so they'd better tell you how they really feel. :P < /sherlock >