(no subject)
so lately i've been thinking. technically, i am "in a relationship"
in the beginning, it was great, as normal. we talked all the time, had great conversations, shared laughs and stories and things were good. to be honest. now it feels like nothing, but a title. we do not talk anymore and if by chance we do, its simply bitch bitch bitch. i don't bother calling after numerous failed attempts and i don't know if he calls, but there sure is no sign of anything. don't get me wrong. i enjoy it. i like that i have my freedom up here and am able to run away from life here and there and just do nothing for an entire weekend except be pampered, and occasionally have to scratch a back. plus sorry to put it, but who can complain about the amazing sex and great company? but now its like well what am i doing and why am i doing it? since its like this, i don't want a boyfriend. and i don't want to be alone. yet i find myself in both. at first i was confused and worried. does he have all these feelings for me and should i have them back? then it was the whole, do i have feelings for him? should he have them back? then i realized, i'm young, its 300+ miles away, why put all this stress on it? but then i feel if i'm going to have that attitude, whats the point of having him as my boyfriend? would get complicated if he weren't? is it complicated b/c he is? i don't want to be a responsibility and i don't want anyone to feel as if they are obligated. no matter what, i always will feel as if i'm nagging, therefore i tend to have no effort to put in, but when i put in effort, i feel as if its just me. no effort from the other party. i've been there, done that. it was hard but i got away from it after much time had been invested. am i just traveling down that coarse again? is this the "oh this is fun" road and then BAM! will i realize that i was fooling myself and then have to deal with problems, the whole feelings and emotions bit, and then have another one bite the dust? is there any way of making this not seem like such a job? or that i'm getting the cold shoulder?
my name is jess. i am in a "long distance relationship."
ha, its like AA for the dating challenged.
should i have never gone back down to PA? i asked him if he thought anything would have developed had i never gone back and he said straight up, "prob not." not even pretending to give it a thought. was he just in a slump and wanted someone there to make him feel happy? it was very sly the whole "asking out" process, but what if i had said no? i did give it a couple days thought. but did he? i knew going into it that it would take a whole lotta time and possibly some work. but regardless, i figured what the hell? i'll give it a try. and i did. knowing one should never expect anything, i caved. i had expectations. i expected him to at least pretend to try to come up and meet my friends. but nothing. the sole reason why i feel as if i'm putting in all the effort. but then i was fooled, before i went to see him last month, a couple weeks prior to we spent the night in NYC. it was more of a journey for him. for that i felt as if it was there, the compromise. but now, not so much.
this is where i need opinions. i don't care if i don't even know you and you're simply a random person. should i not speak up and just let it go along and just take it as it is? i've tried to mention it, but every time i do, its a totally wrong time. although, i don't think that is an option. we are adults. you don't just stop talking to someone in hopes they will go away as a method of ending a "relationship." should i speak up and my guess would be that would be the road to spiltsville. or should this turn into a "compromisable relationship?" i don't know on his half, but speaking from mine, right now it only feels like a monogamous fling. should we still "date" each other but be able to date other people? the only problems with that is that problems would arise. jealousy. no communication. the list is endless. being the ruler' that i am, i would want to agree on rules for that. for starters, mine would be...
a. we talk at least once a day. AIM doesn't count. phone.
b. if you can't do it soft, don't do it.
c. nothing goes in... her.
d. if either b, c or other are broken. be honest and upfront on a timely fashion.
now am i just kidding myself here or what? i don't want to be selfish. and i'm not married. why should i act it?
in the beginning, it was great, as normal. we talked all the time, had great conversations, shared laughs and stories and things were good. to be honest. now it feels like nothing, but a title. we do not talk anymore and if by chance we do, its simply bitch bitch bitch. i don't bother calling after numerous failed attempts and i don't know if he calls, but there sure is no sign of anything. don't get me wrong. i enjoy it. i like that i have my freedom up here and am able to run away from life here and there and just do nothing for an entire weekend except be pampered, and occasionally have to scratch a back. plus sorry to put it, but who can complain about the amazing sex and great company? but now its like well what am i doing and why am i doing it? since its like this, i don't want a boyfriend. and i don't want to be alone. yet i find myself in both. at first i was confused and worried. does he have all these feelings for me and should i have them back? then it was the whole, do i have feelings for him? should he have them back? then i realized, i'm young, its 300+ miles away, why put all this stress on it? but then i feel if i'm going to have that attitude, whats the point of having him as my boyfriend? would get complicated if he weren't? is it complicated b/c he is? i don't want to be a responsibility and i don't want anyone to feel as if they are obligated. no matter what, i always will feel as if i'm nagging, therefore i tend to have no effort to put in, but when i put in effort, i feel as if its just me. no effort from the other party. i've been there, done that. it was hard but i got away from it after much time had been invested. am i just traveling down that coarse again? is this the "oh this is fun" road and then BAM! will i realize that i was fooling myself and then have to deal with problems, the whole feelings and emotions bit, and then have another one bite the dust? is there any way of making this not seem like such a job? or that i'm getting the cold shoulder?
my name is jess. i am in a "long distance relationship."
ha, its like AA for the dating challenged.
should i have never gone back down to PA? i asked him if he thought anything would have developed had i never gone back and he said straight up, "prob not." not even pretending to give it a thought. was he just in a slump and wanted someone there to make him feel happy? it was very sly the whole "asking out" process, but what if i had said no? i did give it a couple days thought. but did he? i knew going into it that it would take a whole lotta time and possibly some work. but regardless, i figured what the hell? i'll give it a try. and i did. knowing one should never expect anything, i caved. i had expectations. i expected him to at least pretend to try to come up and meet my friends. but nothing. the sole reason why i feel as if i'm putting in all the effort. but then i was fooled, before i went to see him last month, a couple weeks prior to we spent the night in NYC. it was more of a journey for him. for that i felt as if it was there, the compromise. but now, not so much.
this is where i need opinions. i don't care if i don't even know you and you're simply a random person. should i not speak up and just let it go along and just take it as it is? i've tried to mention it, but every time i do, its a totally wrong time. although, i don't think that is an option. we are adults. you don't just stop talking to someone in hopes they will go away as a method of ending a "relationship." should i speak up and my guess would be that would be the road to spiltsville. or should this turn into a "compromisable relationship?" i don't know on his half, but speaking from mine, right now it only feels like a monogamous fling. should we still "date" each other but be able to date other people? the only problems with that is that problems would arise. jealousy. no communication. the list is endless. being the ruler' that i am, i would want to agree on rules for that. for starters, mine would be...
a. we talk at least once a day. AIM doesn't count. phone.
b. if you can't do it soft, don't do it.
c. nothing goes in... her.
d. if either b, c or other are broken. be honest and upfront on a timely fashion.
now am i just kidding myself here or what? i don't want to be selfish. and i'm not married. why should i act it?