My Own Reason for Being--Stolen from Someone Else
The other day, Ricky Gervais posted an article on his website about his personal 'conversion' to atheism at age 8.
Before you say 'Oh, I don't like the British Office show or that dumb show about extras, what do I care?' you really should read it. Intelligent, articulate, and incredibly observant of the human condition are all qualities that many professional funny people possess at SOME point in their career, whether they indulge in it or not. Making people laugh is a lot easier than making them think and laugh, and I think Mr. Gervais does the latter and makes it look easy.
And I'm not trying to convert anyone to my own way of thinking. Too often I've been accused of that when really I'm making the most un-imperative of statements. I make statements that are my own observations, received through my senses and then reported back by my mouth or hands if typing. I have no agenda. I have enormous respect for people's religious beliefs, provided they are not trying to convert me or someone else or trying to enforce their own system of beliefs on uninterested others. I really like eating cows, and am glad that no vegetarians or Hindus try to tell me why I shouldn't in my daily life. Enjoying alcohol--by drinking it, making it, reading about it, hearing humorous stories about its effects and so on--is another part of my life I'm glad no one has too much say over.
And these most simple of pursuits are really all that powers me. So sometimes, when things become overly complicated in my life, I circle back to the simple things--food, fun, friends, and any number of other tactile and earthly experiences.
From the article:
'Wow. No God. If Mum had lied to me about God, had she also lied to me about Santa? Yes, of course, but who cares? The gifts kept coming. And so did the gifts of my newfound atheism. The gifts of truth, science, nature. The real beauty of this world. Not a world by design, but one by chance. I learned of evolution-a theory so simple and obvious that only England's greatest genius could have come up with it. Evolution of plants, animals, and us--with imagination, free will, love, and humor. I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live. And imagination, free will, love, humor, fun, music, sports, beer, and pizza are all good enough reasons for living.'
That one line is the most important thing I've read in a while.
'I no longer needed a reason for my existence, just a reason to live.'
For a long time, in fact most of my childhood and young adulthood I felt like my life was not my own. I felt like no matter my effort, the outcome would never be affected. I certainly experienced the kind of existential angst a situation like that would cause - self-loathing, absolutely no sense of self-worth, depression, bitterness, and a vague anger directed at life that would sometimes emerge when I was overly stressed or frustrated. And eventually, I went to self-harm and the logistics of suicide.
In short, I felt that I had no reason to live. My life would be a long series of disappointments over which I had no control, and then I would die. This was the conclusion I came to at the ripe old age of 15, through something that happened to me which I will not disclose here. All you need to know is that I've since had a series of experiences in life, far too diffuse and random to try and ascertain any pattern to except that which my own mind ascribes, that changed this outlook. I can't tell what they all were because I'm not even sure myself, except that at a certain point, I decided I was no longer going to be angry, or disappointed with what my life would be. I would be me, and not be disappointed in myself, even if everyone else was.
Before you get antsy, you should know that this is not going to be some 'My conversion to Atheism saved my life! Praise Darwin!' because that is not what happened. I only classify myself as an atheist because I believe that there is nothing for us after we die. There is no great reward, no neverending torment for those who do ill, nor is there reincarnation or 77 virgins. I am not a spiritual person, and have always separated the life of the 'soul' from the life of the mind.
Simply put, I am alive. I live. Someday, I will die, and that will be the story of me.
This means I want to do as much living as I can.
And before anyone says 'What about a moral code? Will you be robbing banks and killing people just because you can?'
No.
I believe in ataraxia, which is Epicurus' and Pyrrhus' word for a life lived without pain or discomfort. I believe that everyone is entitled to a life absent of unnecessary suffering. I don't mean that no one should ever have anything bad happen, I think that really a peaceful life absent of pain but enriched by friends, some material comforts, and being a good person are the best anyone can hope for. I've had enough unpleasantness happen to me that I do not wish it upon anyone else, and know that there is no such thing as a victimless crime. I do not believe that everyone is entitled to happiness, because that is something that you yourself are responsible for. I believe that happiness is not worth having if you aren't willing to work for it.
I've had a few times when I thought I would die. The majority of these were terrible car accidents, where I was miraculously (as in 'the police were surprised to fine me standing up and reasonably unmarked, because of how my car looked') unharmed. During the actual accident, I had that moment of 'No! I can't die now, I have so much more to do!' I would have given ANYTHING for a few more years, months, et cetera at that moment. I've known many people who died: old people who had lived full lives and felt they'd seen enough, young people who had no say in the matter and didn't get as much time.
In short, my reason to live, and why I enjoy life and try to live it to the fullest so much (for despite my complaining about plumbing and traffic and the fridge needing to be cleaned out, I DO enjoy every moment I am alive) is that someone, somewhere in the past who is now long dead had that moment of 'No! Not yet!' and would have given ANYTHING to switch places with me. I could be in line at the DMV or standing in a funeral parlor saying goodbye to a loved one and they would STILL want to be in my shoes.
If you can't live for yourself, you can at the very least try not to take for granted what someone else would give ANYTHING to have.
I enjoy life.
Because I am alive, and because I have many things to do yet.