The Mood-Ring Alert Color for Today is 'Fiery Eye of Sauron'
Seriously.
This is how angry I am. But please also note that I am not angry at YOU.
Yesterday, Superboss said good morning to me and I, lost in a private bad mood, sort of grunted 'meh.' I immediately felt bad about it and apologized, and said I was just in a bad mood and hoped there were no hard feelings. He countered with 'Well, you rarely talk to me before 9AM. You'd be lucky to get even a grunt!' And I was edified that he wasn't hurt, and I've definitely encountered him in one of his grumpy moods, but I also wished it hadnt' happened in the first place. I really like and respect my boss.
But I sometimes wish that, since humans are visual creatures, I could somehow alert other people to the fact that I am A N G R Y before they speak to me. It would be an early warning system, the point of which would avoid some of those incidents which can lead to misunderstandings and feelings hurt. Much of human communication relies on facial expression decoding, but I feel like by the time a person looks me in the face and sees that I am mad, they have somehow taken it personally. I suspect that the human physiology cannot help but respond to such stimulae with a like response, whether it's to also become angry or become wounded and defensive; that the brain's interpretation of the image of an angry face just automatically releases those hormones necessary for surviving the situation. Which is just not what I want to happen. I don't want to affect someone else's mood because I can't exercise control over my own all the time. A nonverbal/visual sign that gives people some warning I feel would be fair to both people.
I want to express, in short, that I am ANGRY but that I can't do anything about the situation and so am letting it burn out. That it will burn out is an eventuality--but whether or not I can contain it from the occasional flareup is not. This is just something I have to live with. I'd rather not medicate myself over it since it's not like I'm a violent person, but bruised feelings among friends or just bystanders can result and I don't like that. And some people have thicker skins than others; my being in a bad mood wouldn't affect them the way it would a more sensitive person. I feel like giving people the warning is a courtesy, and that to return courtesy they could spare my feelings a bit (and by extension their own) by just leaving me be for a little while.
This is another reason I stopped teaching-- I'm sometimes moody, and you dont' have the luxury of that when you teach. If you don't repress it you could wind up really hurting some kid's feelings, and in defense they place you in the 'all adults are untrustworthy assholes' category. At least in an office setting you have time to yourself (mostly) where you can hide in your cube and let your bad mood burn out.
I feel like this is an aspect of society that has been overlooked or not developed as it could be. People perform many other ritualistic indicators as an attempt to communicate thoughts and feelings: you show up dressed well to a job interview; you dress 'sexy' when on a date in order to signal interest.
It sort of reminds me of a Far Side cartoon that I like, entitled 'How Nature Says 'Do Not Touch.' There is a picture of a hissing, back-arched cat; a pufferfish inflated; a barking dog; and then the last one is a little man wearing swimmies and a trench coat while he holds a bazooka and wears a shoe on his head. The joke is obviously 'beware, I am dangerous.' But while the animals are expressing a kind of passing anger, the man is quite obviously crazy and probably like that all the time. I'm trying to imagine some kind of visual thing a person could do to indicate their anger but just coming up empty. I mean in certain cultures a menstruating woman was supposed to indicate their state by wearing a mask, but I'm not menstruating today, I am just pissed off. Wearing a Tshirt seems like too much of a commitment: 'Please understand it's not you, it's me' or any other sentiment seems too apologetic. Maybe I could just wear red eyeshadow or something, all 'Sympathy for Lady Vengeance.'
I'd just like to express that I'm angry some of the time. And that is has nothing to do with anyone else but me. And that people might want to wait a while before they chirp 'Good morning!' in my face and take a moment to consider that not everyone's life is sunshine and rainbows and they might need some emotional distance. I mean something DID happen that made me this angry, I do have a reason, but that has nothing to do with 99.9% of the people I will encounter today.
Does that make any kind of sense?
This is how angry I am. But please also note that I am not angry at YOU.
Yesterday, Superboss said good morning to me and I, lost in a private bad mood, sort of grunted 'meh.' I immediately felt bad about it and apologized, and said I was just in a bad mood and hoped there were no hard feelings. He countered with 'Well, you rarely talk to me before 9AM. You'd be lucky to get even a grunt!' And I was edified that he wasn't hurt, and I've definitely encountered him in one of his grumpy moods, but I also wished it hadnt' happened in the first place. I really like and respect my boss.
But I sometimes wish that, since humans are visual creatures, I could somehow alert other people to the fact that I am A N G R Y before they speak to me. It would be an early warning system, the point of which would avoid some of those incidents which can lead to misunderstandings and feelings hurt. Much of human communication relies on facial expression decoding, but I feel like by the time a person looks me in the face and sees that I am mad, they have somehow taken it personally. I suspect that the human physiology cannot help but respond to such stimulae with a like response, whether it's to also become angry or become wounded and defensive; that the brain's interpretation of the image of an angry face just automatically releases those hormones necessary for surviving the situation. Which is just not what I want to happen. I don't want to affect someone else's mood because I can't exercise control over my own all the time. A nonverbal/visual sign that gives people some warning I feel would be fair to both people.
I want to express, in short, that I am ANGRY but that I can't do anything about the situation and so am letting it burn out. That it will burn out is an eventuality--but whether or not I can contain it from the occasional flareup is not. This is just something I have to live with. I'd rather not medicate myself over it since it's not like I'm a violent person, but bruised feelings among friends or just bystanders can result and I don't like that. And some people have thicker skins than others; my being in a bad mood wouldn't affect them the way it would a more sensitive person. I feel like giving people the warning is a courtesy, and that to return courtesy they could spare my feelings a bit (and by extension their own) by just leaving me be for a little while.
This is another reason I stopped teaching-- I'm sometimes moody, and you dont' have the luxury of that when you teach. If you don't repress it you could wind up really hurting some kid's feelings, and in defense they place you in the 'all adults are untrustworthy assholes' category. At least in an office setting you have time to yourself (mostly) where you can hide in your cube and let your bad mood burn out.
I feel like this is an aspect of society that has been overlooked or not developed as it could be. People perform many other ritualistic indicators as an attempt to communicate thoughts and feelings: you show up dressed well to a job interview; you dress 'sexy' when on a date in order to signal interest.
It sort of reminds me of a Far Side cartoon that I like, entitled 'How Nature Says 'Do Not Touch.' There is a picture of a hissing, back-arched cat; a pufferfish inflated; a barking dog; and then the last one is a little man wearing swimmies and a trench coat while he holds a bazooka and wears a shoe on his head. The joke is obviously 'beware, I am dangerous.' But while the animals are expressing a kind of passing anger, the man is quite obviously crazy and probably like that all the time. I'm trying to imagine some kind of visual thing a person could do to indicate their anger but just coming up empty. I mean in certain cultures a menstruating woman was supposed to indicate their state by wearing a mask, but I'm not menstruating today, I am just pissed off. Wearing a Tshirt seems like too much of a commitment: 'Please understand it's not you, it's me' or any other sentiment seems too apologetic. Maybe I could just wear red eyeshadow or something, all 'Sympathy for Lady Vengeance.'
I'd just like to express that I'm angry some of the time. And that is has nothing to do with anyone else but me. And that people might want to wait a while before they chirp 'Good morning!' in my face and take a moment to consider that not everyone's life is sunshine and rainbows and they might need some emotional distance. I mean something DID happen that made me this angry, I do have a reason, but that has nothing to do with 99.9% of the people I will encounter today.
Does that make any kind of sense?