Buried Alive.
We've all been buried alive. You, me, all of us. Suffocating to death, not allowed to think for a second too long, not allowed to question events of the past, present and God forbid future, not allowed to have enough time, energy or assets to do much other than prolong the mundane aspects of our lives. The pressures to keep us uninformed,
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I wish there were more people who thought the way that you do.. Who realize. Who care. Who question. Who try.
SO many things you said are beautiful.. I would quote you but I'd end up quoting the entire thing.. It's just written so truthfully and so beautifully.
I love that you are able to see life through your eyes, because so many others are blind.. It's a blessing and a curse.. I mean, I have talked in the past about how I feel it's a blessing and a curse to be able to see things for how they really are and to feel them (though I try SO hard not to feel things so often.. I try to distract myself) .. But I always wonder if I would truly be happier if I were ignorant.. I mean.. I look at some people who ARE happy, yet are obviously ignorant, and I get envious of their happiness.. but then I wonder how happy can they truly be? I mean I am glad I have a brain and a soul and I am able to see things the way I do.. but I have to admit, I can;t help but wonder how much easier [blissful] it would be to be ignorant. But when it comes down to it, I am glad I am in the other category. I'm glad to be part of the 1% team and not part of the 99% team. I hope when it comes down to it I'll be on Team Good and not Team Evil. I like being on your team :)
I DO get worried that me being buried and all only pulls you down into the ground more.. [guilt coming up ahead] I feel bad that maybe all I am doing is dragging you down when I wish I knew how to help you up. I wish I knew how to help everyone I Love up.. including myself. I mean I understand everything you said.. I just get scared of the impact I may have on those around me.. I wish I could only have good impact on others-- not bad. I wish I could only lead you up and not down.. I think it's extremely rare and wonderful that you feel you are supposed to help those around you before helping yourself.. I think that is beautiful.. But it also makes me sad too.
I feel like all I have been doing for like 10 years now is 'not giving up'.. Yeah.. that's great and all, but I also don't feel like I have been living 100%.. Just not dead. I mean I try so hard not to give up, and I won't lie.. I think about it often... too often.. but something inside me still lets me know I deserve more.. I deserve more out of this life. So I hang on a little longer.
I Love you and I want to crawl out of this hole with you and I want to help others do it too.. But I also know that you are stronger than I am when it comes to certain things.. It's what gives you the ability to help others.. It's why I know you WILL spend your life helping others. I don't know.. I am just glad you are still able to recognize how strong you are.. because a lot of times you don't give yourself credit just for continuing to fight the way you do.
It's cool that you wrote this in LJ because I know the people who read this DO understand.. because they are part of the 1% too :)
GO TEAM GOOD!
<3
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