Thinking...
Well...one thing I've found out to be true is that keeping yourself busy helps to keep you from thinking about things. I've been pretty busy today, doing some last minute shopping and sending out some very late Christmas cards. And I've found that when I'm busy, I don't think about Sis. But when I stop, or when there's a lag in conversation, my mind tends to wonder. And I've found that it wonders to one thing in particular. And that is whether or not I made the right decision. I ended her life. I made a conscious decision to end the life of another being, one I was very close with. And I can't help but wonder whether or not it was the right choice.
I think about when Bandolyn had founder so bad that the soles of her front feet feel off, leaving the soft tissue beneath exposed. And I think about how we worked on her and with her every day for 3 months, and now...she's fine. She's a little tender foot on stones, but that's it. My sister does team penning with her. My cousin's husband, a farrier, who'd never trimmed her feet before, said that if we hadn't told him how sick she'd been he would never had been able to tell. We didn't give up on her, so why did I give up on Sis?
Then, I think about Perky, my very first horse. Whose knees were so bad, that she could barely walk. Yet we couldn't bring ourselves to put her down. And she suffered so bad.
I just...I wish I knew for sure that I made the right choice. The vet said I did, and my dad tells me not to second guess myself, but... It was such a hard decision to make...
When the trailer accident happened, I told my dad it was for the best when they put Jesse down. His leg was in such bad shape. But Jesse wasn't my horse. Sis was, and being in that position. I understand better now what my dad went through.
I just pray that Sugar Babe has a healthy foal, and that she doesn't have any complications during the birth. Because if something goes wrong...
It rained today, so Billy couldn't come out and bury her. So, she's just laying up there behind the barn, where my brother drug her with the tractor. He said she was bloated. We kept the dogs tied up all day so they wouldn't get at the body, and her stall still has blood in it from were the vet tried to work on her. I didn't go up there today. And I don't know if I will tomorrow either. If Billy can't come tomorrow to bury her, then I'm going to have my grandmother call the people who haul away dead animals. I would rather bury her, but...we can't leave her body just laying around.
Most of the time, I'm alright. But, when I'm alone, or not doing something. You know, sometimes when I'm driving down the road and I see a horse trailer, I still think about the accident. And it's been two years since that happened. I wonder how long this will haunt me. I just hope I'll be able to make peace with the decision I made.
I think about when Bandolyn had founder so bad that the soles of her front feet feel off, leaving the soft tissue beneath exposed. And I think about how we worked on her and with her every day for 3 months, and now...she's fine. She's a little tender foot on stones, but that's it. My sister does team penning with her. My cousin's husband, a farrier, who'd never trimmed her feet before, said that if we hadn't told him how sick she'd been he would never had been able to tell. We didn't give up on her, so why did I give up on Sis?
Then, I think about Perky, my very first horse. Whose knees were so bad, that she could barely walk. Yet we couldn't bring ourselves to put her down. And she suffered so bad.
I just...I wish I knew for sure that I made the right choice. The vet said I did, and my dad tells me not to second guess myself, but... It was such a hard decision to make...
When the trailer accident happened, I told my dad it was for the best when they put Jesse down. His leg was in such bad shape. But Jesse wasn't my horse. Sis was, and being in that position. I understand better now what my dad went through.
I just pray that Sugar Babe has a healthy foal, and that she doesn't have any complications during the birth. Because if something goes wrong...
It rained today, so Billy couldn't come out and bury her. So, she's just laying up there behind the barn, where my brother drug her with the tractor. He said she was bloated. We kept the dogs tied up all day so they wouldn't get at the body, and her stall still has blood in it from were the vet tried to work on her. I didn't go up there today. And I don't know if I will tomorrow either. If Billy can't come tomorrow to bury her, then I'm going to have my grandmother call the people who haul away dead animals. I would rather bury her, but...we can't leave her body just laying around.
Most of the time, I'm alright. But, when I'm alone, or not doing something. You know, sometimes when I'm driving down the road and I see a horse trailer, I still think about the accident. And it's been two years since that happened. I wonder how long this will haunt me. I just hope I'll be able to make peace with the decision I made.