Why am I trying?
I've learned today that the house I've been trying to sell is literally falling apart around itself. The basement flooded, and the moisture is causing mold to form. That mold is starting to spread through the house. That it's soon going to be to the point where the house is good for nothing other than tearing down.
But that doesn't matter, because I can't afford the mortgage payments anyhow, so the bank will likely be foreclosing on me shortly. I don't live there, and it's about 24 hours' drive away, so I'm not concerned with losing the house. What I am concerned with are the repercussions.
For the last two years, I've been paying most of the debt from my failed relationship by myself. I've paid for a good chunk of the car loan for my ex, even though she took the car and walked away. She walked away from the mortgage, left me with that. She walked away from me, with the car we bought for her, and pays less than half of the car loan amount. She hasn't paid anything on the mortgage in over a year. And yet I can't just accept the foreclosure and the destruction of my credit, because I know it will destroy her credit too. Frankly, I don't care about my own credit. It's irrelevant to me anyhow, after this disaster I never plan on financing anything or buying a house again. But even though she has made my life a living hell for years, I can't do something like that. I can't do something so spiteful as to throw this situation at her like this. Maybe I'm too soft, or too naive, as my father has been telling me all day, but I just can't do it.
I lost my job nine months ago. I've been completely unable to find any further work. I'm relying on the kindness of family and friends to survive.
I can honestly say that if it weren't for the fact that I have met a truly wonderful girl... I would probably have downed a bunch of sleeping pills by now. As it sits, there are times when that bottle on my desk looks pretty tempting.
I'm rambling. And I'm feeling about as depressed as I've ever felt in my life. I should be applying for work, not writing this.
But that doesn't matter, because I can't afford the mortgage payments anyhow, so the bank will likely be foreclosing on me shortly. I don't live there, and it's about 24 hours' drive away, so I'm not concerned with losing the house. What I am concerned with are the repercussions.
For the last two years, I've been paying most of the debt from my failed relationship by myself. I've paid for a good chunk of the car loan for my ex, even though she took the car and walked away. She walked away from the mortgage, left me with that. She walked away from me, with the car we bought for her, and pays less than half of the car loan amount. She hasn't paid anything on the mortgage in over a year. And yet I can't just accept the foreclosure and the destruction of my credit, because I know it will destroy her credit too. Frankly, I don't care about my own credit. It's irrelevant to me anyhow, after this disaster I never plan on financing anything or buying a house again. But even though she has made my life a living hell for years, I can't do something like that. I can't do something so spiteful as to throw this situation at her like this. Maybe I'm too soft, or too naive, as my father has been telling me all day, but I just can't do it.
I lost my job nine months ago. I've been completely unable to find any further work. I'm relying on the kindness of family and friends to survive.
I can honestly say that if it weren't for the fact that I have met a truly wonderful girl... I would probably have downed a bunch of sleeping pills by now. As it sits, there are times when that bottle on my desk looks pretty tempting.
I'm rambling. And I'm feeling about as depressed as I've ever felt in my life. I should be applying for work, not writing this.