I shall share with you
she dragged her body to the edge of the bed, sat down, and contemplated the value of her existence. when she decided that it did not matter whether she was dead or alive, not really, her hand's grip became firmer, holding the carpet knife with her fingers. she had had this carpet knife for some years now, but there was never a use for it, not really, not until now. her mother has bought it, actually.. what a sad connotation, she thought. she should write a letter of apology to her mother, for causing her the misery of having brought up a human being that was not strong enough to endure the world.
she lay her body down, put her heavy head on that pillow, and looked at the fingers of her right hand, holding on to that knife neatly. these fingers, that created and destroyed, and created again, fingers that were now holding the knife and slicing her wrist open. she had never done this before, and would not do it again. horrific pain, she thought, and it made her uncomfortable and doubtful. but as the blood was running, running endlessly down her arm, she was happy that the hardest part was over. her body started to ache and she felt her arm go numb. some small part of her brain screamed at her in panic, but her body would not listen to anything her brain was telling her anymore. she decided that, yes, yes it could be decided, as so many things can be decided. life and death, death and life. what did it matter, one or the other, they would both be equally worthless.
"what a weird way to end a life." he finally said.
"why, because she's not hanging or shooting herself? that's such a male way to end it."
"no, but because it's so uncertain. if she's afraid of the pain, how can she dare taking on death? if she's really suicidal, she would kill herself in a way that ensures that she doesn't survive."
"what if she's certain that no one will find her in time? also, pain is completely irrelevant to the idea of death."
we looked at each other, and he gave me a weak smile.
i took his hand before we kissed goodbye.
"please finish the story, you've got me hooked now."
"there can never be an end to something, that has no beginning."