I ended up going on a confusing tangent...
Remember middle school? Remember when no one you knew drank or smoked pot or any of the other ridiculous crap we're surrounded by in high school? Maybe it's just me. Because for me, there was a time like this. When the "slutty girls" really weren't slutty. They'd barely even kissed anyone. I remember crushes. Not just lusting after another possible hookup. I remember when sex wasn't even a possibilty for anyone I knew. When a hug from your crush meant more than anything. In middle school, who envisions their classmates growing up to be complete stoners and drunken asses? Not me. I remember pacts. No drugs or anything. Let's stick together on this. Right. People change. Friends change. What keeps a friendship together? Who knows? Not merely seeing the person in school, I've learned that. It takes work. But what about when neither side puts in an adequate amount of effort. It doesn't seem to fall completely apart necessarily. You still have the bond of the past. And of knowing that you should be good friends. That something used to be there and you're so similar in so many ways that it seems like such a waste to just not be friends. How do you go about rebuilding that though? Can you even? Especially when there are so many other obstacles. Obstacles that can't be avoided. That just won't go away no matter how long you wait and hope and pray that they will. Obstacles that shouldn't be obstacles anymore. That started to fade. And just when it started to creep into your mind that it may finally get better, it gets worse and you can't change it and you want to, but you don't. You can't change without ruining something else in the process. And you couldn't bare to ruin that. Then it would have all been in vain. Nothing would make sense at all. You had to tear down in order to build. But you didn't mean to completely destroy. You didn't mean to pick. You wanted both, but you couldn't. You thought you could, you still think you can, but others don't. So you had to pick. You didn't think you picked. You thought you stayed completely open. You didn't. You see that now. How could you? How can you? It's not possible. Of course it's possible, just hard. You just don't have the strength to deal with it. Maybe you do. Maybe you're just fucking lazy, like when it comes to everything else. I don't know. This wasn't even where I wanted to go with this entry... oh well. I think I'll just try to sleep it all off now.