When is enough too much?
When is enough too much? That's the question. I, personally, don't know. That should be obvious by my total and complete failure at relationships. Doesn't everyone have relationships that don't work out before "the real thing" comes along? I don't know what I'm doing wrong, but it seems to be not what everyone else wants for me. I'm so fucking tired of trying to live up to everyone Else's expectations of me and falling flat on my face, because I'm not living up to MY own expectations of myself. I just want to live and be happy and loved and whatever happens, happens. That doesn't seem too hard to comprehend...then why can't everyone just butt out and leave me alone. If I'm ruining my life, well, let me ruin it. I understand that people want to look for me, but I can't handle them rubbing salt in my wounds every time I do something they don't approve of and it's harder than hell for me to tell them, because I know how they'll react...it wont be pretty and I'm not willing to lose a friend over something so stupid.
Is it wrong of me to forgive people so much? Should I be a bitch and not give any chances...not leave any room for errors? Should I give up on a potentially good relationship, because my boyfriend is an idiot and a child and just needs someone to steer him in the right path and help him grow up to be a man. Maybe it's not my responsibility to mold him into a man, but I kind of feel like if I don't try to help him, he'll never grow up, because his mom damn sure wont help him and his dad isn't around.
There's a lot more to the story. Too much personal shit to share here, but let's just say he's had a shitty upbringing...a shitty childhood and there is A LOT of damage done. Maybe so much that even I can't help him. If it gets to that I'll have to let him go, but for now I'm sticking it out. I can't just give up on him. I can't. It's not as bad as Joshua...It's not even half as bad as Joshua. Maybe that's because I'm a different person than I was back then...maybe it's because Juan really isn't as bad as Joshua. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I know that I'm doing what my heart and my head tell me to do.
Okay...I'm talking in circles and shit. There's been a lot going on in my life lately and it's driven me to some sort of depression or slump or something. I'm just not very happy, which is really weird for me, because I'm usually pretty happy. If you know me, you know this is true. So, recently there were some people hired at my work that are changing a lot. I'm at this dead end job, where I know I wont be promoted or anything, mainly because it's comfortable. Well, with all the ridiculous changes being made it's getting uncomfortable here and I'm trying to figure out what I can do. The problem is: I'm a lazy motherfucker. Every time I try to make a resume I can't even finish it. I can't go to school because I have no money and no time for school. I want the education, believe me, I just don't have the will power I guess.
The next issue is that I'm not happy living with my mother anymore. I'm not sure I was ever really happy living there, but now it's really stifling and just claustrophobic for me to even be there. It's never quiet. I share a room with my 15 year old sister. I have no room for my shit, which often gets piled up in the living room, at which time I get bitched at to clean up my shit or it gets thrown in my room in a pile or in a bag or a box and then I can't find shit. I have no privacy and I feel like a pile of dog shit that I can't support myself yet and I'm almost 25 years old. It's disgusting really.
Then the boyfriend. Said boyfriend is a man-child. Worse than the rest of the male population. His mother has taken care of him and he hasn't had any proper male influence, which has turned him into a lazy, stupid SOB. I say these things in the kindest way I possibly can, because I do care for him. He didn't finish high school and he had that gangster influence growing up in ghetto ass places around here. He has no sense of responsibility and he makes a lot of stupid mistakes...he fails to think before talking/acting and it gets him into a heap of hot water, except his mom yells at him but doesn't enforce anything on him. Now, she's tired and she has a better job opportunity in Modesto...about an hour and a half to two hours away from where they used to live, here in Fresno. So, she's finally going to let him go. The only problem with that is that he's been taken care of sooo long that he's like a newborn bird being pushed out the nest before his wings have fully developed.
I guess that's where I come in. I don't want to take care of him. I can't, really, since I can't take care of myself, but I do want to be with him and steer him in the right direction as much as possible. I just don't know if I'm cut out for it or if he's cut out to even do the growing up that he needs to do. All that aside, he's gotten two strikes from me already. The first one was the phone sex hot lines he charged up on his mom's phone bill. I forgave him for that dumb shit, because it was kind of silly. Strike two came yesterday when I was messin' with his cell phone (being nosey I guess) and found messages to and from another girl saying how much he loved her and missed her and blah blah blah. Obviously I flipped my lid. I packed my shit. I took his phone (because I pay for the motherfucker because he doesn't have a job and it's on a family plan so I can't just disconnect his without a penalty that I can't afford). I gave him all his shit that was left in my car and I fought him to get out of his apartment, because he didn't want to let me go. Then came the suicidal threats. Of course...I've done it...many of us feel like we'll die without someone when we're being dumped, right? Except he has a history of depression and suicide attempts, so I call his mom to let her know what's going on so that she knows. She tells me all kinds of shit about if I loved him I wouldn't leave him like that and all that jazz, so I'm guilt-ed into staying. Truth be told, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to rewind that hour or so and make it never happen. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him, but I was hurt so I just cried and cried and tried to tell him how stupid of a mistake he had made and try to get some answers as to what was going on in his head with this shit.
Turns out he's never met this girl in person and she doesn't live in the same town that he does, so I don't have to worry too much about him "seeing" her. He met her via a chat line and was just sending her text messages. JUST sending messages you ask? How is that any better than actually cheating? Well, he's never even seen her, so he hasn't fucked her, but I did find out that he started talking to her AFTER he got with me...which makes me feel inadequate at the very least. The worst part is that he lied to me. Regardless of what he told her or the conversations they had I know that he's with me, but it's not a very reassuring feeling to know that my boyfriend has to talk to strangers for whatever reason.
He tells me that he felt the hurt and saw the hurt in my eyes when I found those messages and promises he'll never do it again. How do you trust a liar? I believe in forgiveness more than anything, but you can only be lied to so much. When I was crying I asked him if he wanted to break me, because that's what he was doing. I told him that he was acting like my last asshole boyfriend, but at least he didn't ask me to leave, because he needed his bed free to fuck some other girl (yeah, my last boyfriend did that to me). I decided that I'd stay with him after a lot of talking and even more crying and trying to understand what's 'wrong' with him.
Here's the part where everyone tells me how I deserve so much better and how I'm an idiot for staying with him, right? Spare me. I heard the whole fucking lecture from my BFF. She reamed me a new one and even went as far as to say that he's not welcome in her house and she and her fiance want nothing to do with him. I understand that, but she wont let it be. She just keeps rubbing salt in the wound and asking me how it's okay for him to get away with that and that his mom was just guilt tripping me and that I deserve better. I KNOW. Don't you think I know how stupid it is that I keep picking these kinds of guys? Don't you think I know I should be treated like a queen? Don't you think I know I deserve someone that loves me and doesn't do things that hurt me? Don't you think I realize that I'm hurting myself by staying with him?
You don't know, until you're in my shoes, what you'd do in my situation, because honestly, the things you say you'd do are completely different once the situation is your life. I said I was never going to do drugs. I said I was never going to let myself get over 350 lbs. I said I'd leave if a man hit me. I said I'd dump his ass if he so much as looked another woman. I said I'd leave if he didn't get a job. Blah blah blah. It's just words until the situation comes around and I'm making each decision based on how I feel. That's all I know how to do. I can't live my life to make everyone happy, although I wish I could.
So, I'm forgiving, but not forgetting this one. I'm watching more carefully for signs of lies and calling him on it. I'm warning him that this is his final chance with me. 3 strikes and he's OUT. Remind of this blog when I forgive him again, okay? Until then, just stand behind me and support me, or leave me alone, because I can't handle being bitched at anymore, by anyone else and all it does is push me further away from you. Let it go. Please.
*sigh*
Is it wrong of me to forgive people so much? Should I be a bitch and not give any chances...not leave any room for errors? Should I give up on a potentially good relationship, because my boyfriend is an idiot and a child and just needs someone to steer him in the right path and help him grow up to be a man. Maybe it's not my responsibility to mold him into a man, but I kind of feel like if I don't try to help him, he'll never grow up, because his mom damn sure wont help him and his dad isn't around.
There's a lot more to the story. Too much personal shit to share here, but let's just say he's had a shitty upbringing...a shitty childhood and there is A LOT of damage done. Maybe so much that even I can't help him. If it gets to that I'll have to let him go, but for now I'm sticking it out. I can't just give up on him. I can't. It's not as bad as Joshua...It's not even half as bad as Joshua. Maybe that's because I'm a different person than I was back then...maybe it's because Juan really isn't as bad as Joshua. Maybe it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I know that I'm doing what my heart and my head tell me to do.
Okay...I'm talking in circles and shit. There's been a lot going on in my life lately and it's driven me to some sort of depression or slump or something. I'm just not very happy, which is really weird for me, because I'm usually pretty happy. If you know me, you know this is true. So, recently there were some people hired at my work that are changing a lot. I'm at this dead end job, where I know I wont be promoted or anything, mainly because it's comfortable. Well, with all the ridiculous changes being made it's getting uncomfortable here and I'm trying to figure out what I can do. The problem is: I'm a lazy motherfucker. Every time I try to make a resume I can't even finish it. I can't go to school because I have no money and no time for school. I want the education, believe me, I just don't have the will power I guess.
The next issue is that I'm not happy living with my mother anymore. I'm not sure I was ever really happy living there, but now it's really stifling and just claustrophobic for me to even be there. It's never quiet. I share a room with my 15 year old sister. I have no room for my shit, which often gets piled up in the living room, at which time I get bitched at to clean up my shit or it gets thrown in my room in a pile or in a bag or a box and then I can't find shit. I have no privacy and I feel like a pile of dog shit that I can't support myself yet and I'm almost 25 years old. It's disgusting really.
Then the boyfriend. Said boyfriend is a man-child. Worse than the rest of the male population. His mother has taken care of him and he hasn't had any proper male influence, which has turned him into a lazy, stupid SOB. I say these things in the kindest way I possibly can, because I do care for him. He didn't finish high school and he had that gangster influence growing up in ghetto ass places around here. He has no sense of responsibility and he makes a lot of stupid mistakes...he fails to think before talking/acting and it gets him into a heap of hot water, except his mom yells at him but doesn't enforce anything on him. Now, she's tired and she has a better job opportunity in Modesto...about an hour and a half to two hours away from where they used to live, here in Fresno. So, she's finally going to let him go. The only problem with that is that he's been taken care of sooo long that he's like a newborn bird being pushed out the nest before his wings have fully developed.
I guess that's where I come in. I don't want to take care of him. I can't, really, since I can't take care of myself, but I do want to be with him and steer him in the right direction as much as possible. I just don't know if I'm cut out for it or if he's cut out to even do the growing up that he needs to do. All that aside, he's gotten two strikes from me already. The first one was the phone sex hot lines he charged up on his mom's phone bill. I forgave him for that dumb shit, because it was kind of silly. Strike two came yesterday when I was messin' with his cell phone (being nosey I guess) and found messages to and from another girl saying how much he loved her and missed her and blah blah blah. Obviously I flipped my lid. I packed my shit. I took his phone (because I pay for the motherfucker because he doesn't have a job and it's on a family plan so I can't just disconnect his without a penalty that I can't afford). I gave him all his shit that was left in my car and I fought him to get out of his apartment, because he didn't want to let me go. Then came the suicidal threats. Of course...I've done it...many of us feel like we'll die without someone when we're being dumped, right? Except he has a history of depression and suicide attempts, so I call his mom to let her know what's going on so that she knows. She tells me all kinds of shit about if I loved him I wouldn't leave him like that and all that jazz, so I'm guilt-ed into staying. Truth be told, I didn't want to leave. I wanted to rewind that hour or so and make it never happen. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and be with him, but I was hurt so I just cried and cried and tried to tell him how stupid of a mistake he had made and try to get some answers as to what was going on in his head with this shit.
Turns out he's never met this girl in person and she doesn't live in the same town that he does, so I don't have to worry too much about him "seeing" her. He met her via a chat line and was just sending her text messages. JUST sending messages you ask? How is that any better than actually cheating? Well, he's never even seen her, so he hasn't fucked her, but I did find out that he started talking to her AFTER he got with me...which makes me feel inadequate at the very least. The worst part is that he lied to me. Regardless of what he told her or the conversations they had I know that he's with me, but it's not a very reassuring feeling to know that my boyfriend has to talk to strangers for whatever reason.
He tells me that he felt the hurt and saw the hurt in my eyes when I found those messages and promises he'll never do it again. How do you trust a liar? I believe in forgiveness more than anything, but you can only be lied to so much. When I was crying I asked him if he wanted to break me, because that's what he was doing. I told him that he was acting like my last asshole boyfriend, but at least he didn't ask me to leave, because he needed his bed free to fuck some other girl (yeah, my last boyfriend did that to me). I decided that I'd stay with him after a lot of talking and even more crying and trying to understand what's 'wrong' with him.
Here's the part where everyone tells me how I deserve so much better and how I'm an idiot for staying with him, right? Spare me. I heard the whole fucking lecture from my BFF. She reamed me a new one and even went as far as to say that he's not welcome in her house and she and her fiance want nothing to do with him. I understand that, but she wont let it be. She just keeps rubbing salt in the wound and asking me how it's okay for him to get away with that and that his mom was just guilt tripping me and that I deserve better. I KNOW. Don't you think I know how stupid it is that I keep picking these kinds of guys? Don't you think I know I should be treated like a queen? Don't you think I know I deserve someone that loves me and doesn't do things that hurt me? Don't you think I realize that I'm hurting myself by staying with him?
You don't know, until you're in my shoes, what you'd do in my situation, because honestly, the things you say you'd do are completely different once the situation is your life. I said I was never going to do drugs. I said I was never going to let myself get over 350 lbs. I said I'd leave if a man hit me. I said I'd dump his ass if he so much as looked another woman. I said I'd leave if he didn't get a job. Blah blah blah. It's just words until the situation comes around and I'm making each decision based on how I feel. That's all I know how to do. I can't live my life to make everyone happy, although I wish I could.
So, I'm forgiving, but not forgetting this one. I'm watching more carefully for signs of lies and calling him on it. I'm warning him that this is his final chance with me. 3 strikes and he's OUT. Remind of this blog when I forgive him again, okay? Until then, just stand behind me and support me, or leave me alone, because I can't handle being bitched at anymore, by anyone else and all it does is push me further away from you. Let it go. Please.
*sigh*