ds al coda
so... a few months down the line and the girl thing is over... well, she's over with me anyway and feels too dead to date. she's miserable, makes me miserable and then says we're incompatible. no, we're not incompatible you're just a miserable bitch sometimes, more often than not these days. maybe i make her miserable. whatever.
school is hard now because of this. i'm feeling parts of me shut off that she reactivated in me, the parts of me that want to work hard and succeed. now all i want to do is kill my mind with sportscenter and world series of poker reruns. fuck. i bombed this test today in english. i should have been up studying. i should have gone to class on time. i did neither of these thigns.
i wish this could mean nothing to me, that i could just say 'well, it was only a couple of months and there WERE issues so whatever' but i've never been able to divorce from my feelings nor let logic and reason be their motor.
i'll pass this semester well, hopefully all A's unless this test fucked my lit grade into a B. Maybe the fresh start and hopefully more interesting classes next term will serve to reengage my engine. one can only hope. i used to go over to her house every night and want to do homework, we'd do homework together and it helped give me a good vehicle for being responsible. i'm not sure i can do that on my own yet. at least not consistently. i need o find some friends to study with later in the night i guess.
actually, i need to find some friends in general.. i only really have one good friend at school right now.. though i am branching out and finding more recently it's not where it needs to be to keep me from going insane. plus my grandmother a. drives me fucking up the walls and b. is really ill, so i'm supposed to be an angel and just put up with it, which tbqh i haven't really been doing. STRHESS!!!!!
i think i'm gonna go binge eat or something. no class tomorrow and nothing to do tonight.. fuck my life sucks without rebecca... even if all i had to do before was watch SVU and Criminal Intent... it felt okay because i was with her. everything ended wrong, and everything feels wrong and my head is fucked. all i can do is watch tv and internet porn... what the hell is wrong with me. this feels like HS and my bad days of florida all over again.
school is hard now because of this. i'm feeling parts of me shut off that she reactivated in me, the parts of me that want to work hard and succeed. now all i want to do is kill my mind with sportscenter and world series of poker reruns. fuck. i bombed this test today in english. i should have been up studying. i should have gone to class on time. i did neither of these thigns.
i wish this could mean nothing to me, that i could just say 'well, it was only a couple of months and there WERE issues so whatever' but i've never been able to divorce from my feelings nor let logic and reason be their motor.
i'll pass this semester well, hopefully all A's unless this test fucked my lit grade into a B. Maybe the fresh start and hopefully more interesting classes next term will serve to reengage my engine. one can only hope. i used to go over to her house every night and want to do homework, we'd do homework together and it helped give me a good vehicle for being responsible. i'm not sure i can do that on my own yet. at least not consistently. i need o find some friends to study with later in the night i guess.
actually, i need to find some friends in general.. i only really have one good friend at school right now.. though i am branching out and finding more recently it's not where it needs to be to keep me from going insane. plus my grandmother a. drives me fucking up the walls and b. is really ill, so i'm supposed to be an angel and just put up with it, which tbqh i haven't really been doing. STRHESS!!!!!
i think i'm gonna go binge eat or something. no class tomorrow and nothing to do tonight.. fuck my life sucks without rebecca... even if all i had to do before was watch SVU and Criminal Intent... it felt okay because i was with her. everything ended wrong, and everything feels wrong and my head is fucked. all i can do is watch tv and internet porn... what the hell is wrong with me. this feels like HS and my bad days of florida all over again.