the pain of payment
you know what? i'm done. done with all the bullshit. i'm sick of being the nice guy, i'm sick of getting stepped on, i'm sick of getting passed over, i'm sick of being that nigga to be done, ya heard?
i'm done being the beatboy, the laughing stock, the loser. i'm sick of drinking, smoking and being nothing. i'm sick of everything but life, myself, and my band, and only because that's brand new and hasn't had the opportunity to enrage me.
fuck you, and fuck your cat. fuck your values, because you don't stand for them and therefore they mean nothing. speak what you want to say, not what you think is best. be open, be honest, or don't be at all. at least not to me, because i don't care otherwise. i'm tired of all the people down here who think they know what's best for everyone, it's self-assuming bullshit. you DON'T know what's best for me, and i DON'T need your help in deciding what is, fuck you very much. if i do, i'll ask for it. i don't care who you are, where your from or who you've been, it's not your goddamn place.
i'm done with the palm trees, one story buildings and globs of sleaze. i'm sick of blackouts, hangovers, and regretting life the morning after. i'm tired of looking in the mirror and finding the same guy standing there that's been trying to stare me down for the last 6 years. i'm not afraid of you anymore. "...and i'm not afrid to die. i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. i want the pain of payment."
i'm through with ambiguity. if you don't want to tell me what you want then fuck off. if you can't make your demands known to me, then don't waste my time. i'm just fucking through with laying down and dying for every woman, every family member, every person that i meet because i don't want to grow the balls to be my own man. fucking through. i love being nice, i believe that we all should treat people with the utmost respect, however every day it grows more and more apparant the difference between being nice and being passive. i'm not going to be joel barisch (eternal sunshine "why do i fall in love with every woman i meet?") anymore.
so anyway, i got trashed last night at a stripclub for rivkah's birthday. way too trashed (one minute i'm at the club, the next minute i'm waking up alone in her house [she stayed at her new beau's house, apparantly]), and i also learned (as far as i can tell) that she's seeing some dude, and i'm fucking over it, and i'm over me. i absolutely cannot stomach how i let myself get played and how easy i made it to be played. i did the same shit with chastity, i never fucking stood up for myself until it was to say "fuck you" before my flight out of town, and in reality what good is that? it's fun and all that jazz, but it doesn't push progress.
i call, and i end up apologizing before it's even brought up about my drinking, and i get chewed out in a really tired and condescending tone. and i took it, cock'n'balls deep. you know what? who the fuck are you? after all the pride that i've swallowed, after all the double standards i've waded through, after all the half-truths and shades of grey i've dealt with, you're going to do that? you can't just say "shit happens [well, she did say that], just please don't let that happen again because it sucked, 'mkay?" who the fuck are you?
and to add to my misery, i managed to lose my wallet in my drunken stupor last night, which is terrible because i have a suspended license and can't get a new one, plus all my bankcards were in there. i have about $50 dollars to get me to my next paycheck, which is luckily in about a week so i'll survive. but i really need my wallet.
ARG! also known as argand. i'm beyond frustrated, someone give me a word. preferably one that defines 'absolut frustration', though i guess cantaloupe will do just fine as well.
blugggg... i need a shower, a snow storm, a fresh start and a stab at the dark.
fucking determined,
dino
i'm done being the beatboy, the laughing stock, the loser. i'm sick of drinking, smoking and being nothing. i'm sick of everything but life, myself, and my band, and only because that's brand new and hasn't had the opportunity to enrage me.
fuck you, and fuck your cat. fuck your values, because you don't stand for them and therefore they mean nothing. speak what you want to say, not what you think is best. be open, be honest, or don't be at all. at least not to me, because i don't care otherwise. i'm tired of all the people down here who think they know what's best for everyone, it's self-assuming bullshit. you DON'T know what's best for me, and i DON'T need your help in deciding what is, fuck you very much. if i do, i'll ask for it. i don't care who you are, where your from or who you've been, it's not your goddamn place.
i'm done with the palm trees, one story buildings and globs of sleaze. i'm sick of blackouts, hangovers, and regretting life the morning after. i'm tired of looking in the mirror and finding the same guy standing there that's been trying to stare me down for the last 6 years. i'm not afraid of you anymore. "...and i'm not afrid to die. i'm not afraid to bleed, and fuck, and fight. i want the pain of payment."
i'm through with ambiguity. if you don't want to tell me what you want then fuck off. if you can't make your demands known to me, then don't waste my time. i'm just fucking through with laying down and dying for every woman, every family member, every person that i meet because i don't want to grow the balls to be my own man. fucking through. i love being nice, i believe that we all should treat people with the utmost respect, however every day it grows more and more apparant the difference between being nice and being passive. i'm not going to be joel barisch (eternal sunshine "why do i fall in love with every woman i meet?") anymore.
so anyway, i got trashed last night at a stripclub for rivkah's birthday. way too trashed (one minute i'm at the club, the next minute i'm waking up alone in her house [she stayed at her new beau's house, apparantly]), and i also learned (as far as i can tell) that she's seeing some dude, and i'm fucking over it, and i'm over me. i absolutely cannot stomach how i let myself get played and how easy i made it to be played. i did the same shit with chastity, i never fucking stood up for myself until it was to say "fuck you" before my flight out of town, and in reality what good is that? it's fun and all that jazz, but it doesn't push progress.
i call, and i end up apologizing before it's even brought up about my drinking, and i get chewed out in a really tired and condescending tone. and i took it, cock'n'balls deep. you know what? who the fuck are you? after all the pride that i've swallowed, after all the double standards i've waded through, after all the half-truths and shades of grey i've dealt with, you're going to do that? you can't just say "shit happens [well, she did say that], just please don't let that happen again because it sucked, 'mkay?" who the fuck are you?
and to add to my misery, i managed to lose my wallet in my drunken stupor last night, which is terrible because i have a suspended license and can't get a new one, plus all my bankcards were in there. i have about $50 dollars to get me to my next paycheck, which is luckily in about a week so i'll survive. but i really need my wallet.
ARG! also known as argand. i'm beyond frustrated, someone give me a word. preferably one that defines 'absolut frustration', though i guess cantaloupe will do just fine as well.
blugggg... i need a shower, a snow storm, a fresh start and a stab at the dark.
fucking determined,
dino