(no subject)
So it's finally over....
I got the papers in the mail today. Just pieces of paper. Funny how it started with a piece of paper started this whole thing. It seems that it all went downhill from there.
I've done my best to move on but the pain still stings sometimes. Anger hits me in the chest and I feel a need to break something. All the people around me who've claimed to be my friends seem to be apathetic to my plight. They don't seem to care. The pain is obvious, but it's assumed that since I'm the one who left that I've got it easier. Well I don't. It seems I've lost more than my pride and property. I've lost who I was and I've lost friendships that I believed would endure this transition.
He pretends to be the good guy, and he pretends that this is amicable, and I'm made out to be over-dramatic or the bad guy. I can feel it when I'm around them. Alone in a crowed room. Screaming for help. "Please someone validate my existence!" It falls on deaf ears, and I'm quiet again. They had no response for me. I'm all alone again, still. When I was with him I felt lonely. Now the void is deeper, but it's a void that's always been there. It's just.....
Through this journey I've learned a lot about myself and the world I'm living in. Depression seems to grip me with every breath, but wasn't it always like this? Wasn't I always like this? Wasn't the void always there?
I'm seeing a shrink now. She's good, and I need her. I need someone to fucking listen to me! I need to be heard! Someone must see that this mask that I wear is a shield that I've conditioned myself to fashion through years of being ignored, and leaned on, and needed but in all the wrong ways. We're just scratching at the surface, but I feel better every time I leave her office and get in my car. I take that deep breath and sigh with relief that someone knows. Someone knows me, someone SEES me. I'm not invisible. I'm not worthless and powerless. I must forgive myself for the decisions I've made that caused me this pain and realize that I made them for a reason. Don't know what those reasons are now but I'm figuring it out. Of course I did the things I did, there was an underlying need that wasn't being met. I never felt loved. REALLY loved. It seemed conditional. We were always keeping score and bartering. He never believed in me. That's not love. I hope someday to find out.
My tears have dried now. I'm waiting for a guest to visit me tonight. This one deserves to be loved but I'm just not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I can take off this mask and be vulnerable. My wounds aren't healed yet. But I want to. I'm terrified.
Some would say that I'm not better off in this situation. But, though it's been hard to claw myself out of this mess I can see that I AM better off. I'm better off here, alone and hurting and healing, than living a LIE and pretending to be someone I'm not. And yeah that may have been unfair to him, but I was only trying to satisfy him. I was only trying satisfy the social obligations of my friends and family.
At this point I don't give a good goddamn what anyone wants or expects of me. I'm going to do what I want to do with my life. Because it's just that, MY LIFE. He can have the house and it's weight, he can have the dog though I miss her so fucking much it hurts, he can have those friends though I've known them most of my life, but the one thing he can't have is me.
I'll get better. I'll find what I'm looking for. I'll fulfill my true destiny.
I got the papers in the mail today. Just pieces of paper. Funny how it started with a piece of paper started this whole thing. It seems that it all went downhill from there.
I've done my best to move on but the pain still stings sometimes. Anger hits me in the chest and I feel a need to break something. All the people around me who've claimed to be my friends seem to be apathetic to my plight. They don't seem to care. The pain is obvious, but it's assumed that since I'm the one who left that I've got it easier. Well I don't. It seems I've lost more than my pride and property. I've lost who I was and I've lost friendships that I believed would endure this transition.
He pretends to be the good guy, and he pretends that this is amicable, and I'm made out to be over-dramatic or the bad guy. I can feel it when I'm around them. Alone in a crowed room. Screaming for help. "Please someone validate my existence!" It falls on deaf ears, and I'm quiet again. They had no response for me. I'm all alone again, still. When I was with him I felt lonely. Now the void is deeper, but it's a void that's always been there. It's just.....
Through this journey I've learned a lot about myself and the world I'm living in. Depression seems to grip me with every breath, but wasn't it always like this? Wasn't I always like this? Wasn't the void always there?
I'm seeing a shrink now. She's good, and I need her. I need someone to fucking listen to me! I need to be heard! Someone must see that this mask that I wear is a shield that I've conditioned myself to fashion through years of being ignored, and leaned on, and needed but in all the wrong ways. We're just scratching at the surface, but I feel better every time I leave her office and get in my car. I take that deep breath and sigh with relief that someone knows. Someone knows me, someone SEES me. I'm not invisible. I'm not worthless and powerless. I must forgive myself for the decisions I've made that caused me this pain and realize that I made them for a reason. Don't know what those reasons are now but I'm figuring it out. Of course I did the things I did, there was an underlying need that wasn't being met. I never felt loved. REALLY loved. It seemed conditional. We were always keeping score and bartering. He never believed in me. That's not love. I hope someday to find out.
My tears have dried now. I'm waiting for a guest to visit me tonight. This one deserves to be loved but I'm just not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I can take off this mask and be vulnerable. My wounds aren't healed yet. But I want to. I'm terrified.
Some would say that I'm not better off in this situation. But, though it's been hard to claw myself out of this mess I can see that I AM better off. I'm better off here, alone and hurting and healing, than living a LIE and pretending to be someone I'm not. And yeah that may have been unfair to him, but I was only trying to satisfy him. I was only trying satisfy the social obligations of my friends and family.
At this point I don't give a good goddamn what anyone wants or expects of me. I'm going to do what I want to do with my life. Because it's just that, MY LIFE. He can have the house and it's weight, he can have the dog though I miss her so fucking much it hurts, he can have those friends though I've known them most of my life, but the one thing he can't have is me.
I'll get better. I'll find what I'm looking for. I'll fulfill my true destiny.