(no subject)
I wouldn't say that I decided to die that night. It was more like I felt the need to snuff out my pain in a very dramatic and final way. After almost eight months of being lost out here; trying to find definition of who I am on my own, and looking for validation anywhere and everywhere.....it was too much.
When I woke up in the ER I didn't realize where I was or what had happened. But within a few blinks it all came back to me. I was being Gaslighted by him. There were so many cruel words coming at me, and the severity of it was shocking. I've felt like someone else for a while and I guess that's what I became. I didn't sleep for 36 hours. There was no way I could have. Of course I spent most of those hours stone drunk and wild eyed.
Then that Sunday, I just couldn't take anymore of this feeling. So, I opened a fresh bottle of vodka and dug out the ten vicodin I'd got that Friday and decided to see which one ran out first. In the hospital I remember thinking that the only flaw to my plan was telling him what I was doing. The cops came and took me away. I lied to them and told them I'd only been drinking, and when they pulled out of my driveway there he was....staring at me. If I was so invaluable to him why show up at my place?
I started to OD in the cop car and made a mess of myself. They drug me into the ER and the nurses immediately began to shove tubes down my throat and needles up my arm. I just let them. In that state I wasn't able to fight anymore.
I woke up an hour later.......and I started to cry again. They took me to the Campus and committed me for 72 hours. My first day there, I was wrecked. I couldn't talk and my body was twisted and score. Quickly I realized that the more I cooperated with them the easier it would be to get out soon. So I did my little dance for them. I ate the food, took the pills, talked in the groups......
They let me out last Friday. My Mother came to get me and I was so relived to see her and hear her voice. Breathing fresh air and feeling the sunshine on my face was like a gift to me, and I realized I'd miss it all if I'd been successful.
I won't pretend that I'm happy right now, but I can say that I don't want to leave just yet. In there I learned a lot about myself and the world. There were so many decent people there who just broke down like I did, and I realized that I'm not alone.
One week after I was admitted, two days after I was released, I went back to the Campus and donated twenty composition notebooks to the ward I was in. The one I had saved my life and my sanity because writing in it helped me realize what I needed to do.
I need to let him go. I need to let them all go, and find a way to love myself without definition.
When I woke up in the ER I didn't realize where I was or what had happened. But within a few blinks it all came back to me. I was being Gaslighted by him. There were so many cruel words coming at me, and the severity of it was shocking. I've felt like someone else for a while and I guess that's what I became. I didn't sleep for 36 hours. There was no way I could have. Of course I spent most of those hours stone drunk and wild eyed.
Then that Sunday, I just couldn't take anymore of this feeling. So, I opened a fresh bottle of vodka and dug out the ten vicodin I'd got that Friday and decided to see which one ran out first. In the hospital I remember thinking that the only flaw to my plan was telling him what I was doing. The cops came and took me away. I lied to them and told them I'd only been drinking, and when they pulled out of my driveway there he was....staring at me. If I was so invaluable to him why show up at my place?
I started to OD in the cop car and made a mess of myself. They drug me into the ER and the nurses immediately began to shove tubes down my throat and needles up my arm. I just let them. In that state I wasn't able to fight anymore.
I woke up an hour later.......and I started to cry again. They took me to the Campus and committed me for 72 hours. My first day there, I was wrecked. I couldn't talk and my body was twisted and score. Quickly I realized that the more I cooperated with them the easier it would be to get out soon. So I did my little dance for them. I ate the food, took the pills, talked in the groups......
They let me out last Friday. My Mother came to get me and I was so relived to see her and hear her voice. Breathing fresh air and feeling the sunshine on my face was like a gift to me, and I realized I'd miss it all if I'd been successful.
I won't pretend that I'm happy right now, but I can say that I don't want to leave just yet. In there I learned a lot about myself and the world. There were so many decent people there who just broke down like I did, and I realized that I'm not alone.
One week after I was admitted, two days after I was released, I went back to the Campus and donated twenty composition notebooks to the ward I was in. The one I had saved my life and my sanity because writing in it helped me realize what I needed to do.
I need to let him go. I need to let them all go, and find a way to love myself without definition.