Maybe Tomorrow
Sitting here...with my head in my hands thinking about why my life, my mind is so fragmented lately. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people. One, the everyday woman. Strong, unapologetic yet kind. The other, the monster. A terror onto itself running down the road to self destruction....or is it self discovery?
Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. I have no more qualms about my age, for now it's only a number on a piece of paper to me. It's just the celebration that matters. I've had a pretty good year filled with new friends and experiences, a new job and hope for my future. But, but but but.....A deep sadness has a hold of me now, and I don't know why. My husband has planned a night out with all our friends, and there are promises of what will happen, what they'll do. Does it matter anymore? I don't know.
I just want to be alone. I want silence. I want to not be "on", to float in the ether like a leaf on the water. Peace when chaos reigns supreme. I'm so tired. My dreams of late have been more disturbing than usual, more blood and fear, running in place, survival with no means to survive. I hate it. Hate that I can't sleep blissfully. Why does my subconscious torture me? Do I really want that question to be answered? no
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe I'll wake up well rested and happy, excited again. Not even the promises of my lovers excite me at the moment. But, I want that so, so much. To be excited again, and not fret or worry about what everyone else wants. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, the first day of my 29th year on this planet. I hope my mind can be put back together somehow, someday soon. Until then I guess I'll live in my own duality. Fuck! What have I done to myself?
Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. I have no more qualms about my age, for now it's only a number on a piece of paper to me. It's just the celebration that matters. I've had a pretty good year filled with new friends and experiences, a new job and hope for my future. But, but but but.....A deep sadness has a hold of me now, and I don't know why. My husband has planned a night out with all our friends, and there are promises of what will happen, what they'll do. Does it matter anymore? I don't know.
I just want to be alone. I want silence. I want to not be "on", to float in the ether like a leaf on the water. Peace when chaos reigns supreme. I'm so tired. My dreams of late have been more disturbing than usual, more blood and fear, running in place, survival with no means to survive. I hate it. Hate that I can't sleep blissfully. Why does my subconscious torture me? Do I really want that question to be answered? no
Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Maybe I'll wake up well rested and happy, excited again. Not even the promises of my lovers excite me at the moment. But, I want that so, so much. To be excited again, and not fret or worry about what everyone else wants. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day, the first day of my 29th year on this planet. I hope my mind can be put back together somehow, someday soon. Until then I guess I'll live in my own duality. Fuck! What have I done to myself?