New Year, Old Thoughts
It’s about 5 days into the new year. I’ve missed the end of year and possibly the resolutions memes, I suppose. Since Comic Fiesta 2010, my life’s been turned upside down. Well,not quiteupside down, but more like completely changed.
On December 19, 2010 my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. Barring Christmas, the rest of my year was spent scheduling my time around seeing her in the hospital. Ten days after she was admitted, she passed away. The following one week has thus been spent shuttling self and bro around the funeral parlour and the house. We buried her two days ago and have just finished saying the one week prayers. It’s been a very emotional week for me.
It also brought home the fact that my parents are not getting any younger. Mom and dad are in their 50s; this was about the same age my grandparents went travelling. And I want them to travel. I know both Mom and Dad feel the wanderlust, but they have their own reasons for not jetting off here and there. I feel guilty for not being able to give them the money that allows them to travel.
I also feel guilty for my inability to provide for them. At 26, I should be working full time in a position that at least lets me earn comfortably; enough to send my parents for trips, have my own house and perhaps most importantly, start a family. Nothing brought that fact closer to home for me than my grandmother’s death. It’s not so much that the fact that my grandmother died that hammered the point home, but rather that my grandparents were looking after so many kids shortly after retirement (for grandpa, mama never really had retirement XD).
Most of all, I feel the lack of kids in my life not for my own sake, but for my parents. I know Mom wants some grandkids. She wants someone who’ll love her unconditionally and trustingly as my brother and I did when we were children. I don’t know if I can give that to her, especially since my parents are so opposed to the one I’ve chosen for myself.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t entertain the thought of marrying someone just for the sake of having kids. However, such a thing would make me the worst kind of liar of all. I’d also be a coward for choosing the way out. A hypocrite and someone who cannot love the father of my children would destroy them eventually. I believe this. I’ve seen it happen and I’m determined not to let that happen to my children.
I want time to stop flowing. I want it to just pause in the moment when my parents don’t age and this guilt goes away. That will not happen, so I’ll need to learn to live in this moment and take it as each comes. It’s not something that I can choose, but it’s something I’ll have to learn to deal with.
My uncle spoke during my grandma’s funeral that the theme of her life had been change. Nothing is as constant and as persistent (barring Mama’s love for Mother Mary and the Catholic Church) than change. Change happens, and people will change to meet its challenges.
And really, that’s all I needed to know.
Original entry as appearing at Reach Into Your Soul.