Snark one point oh
The Baby-Sitters Club #1: Kristy’s Great Idea
So, bear with me guys - this will be my very first time reading BSC. I was inspired by the snarks of the EVER-so-clever ROAD_BABY and I wanted a piece of this sassy action! Be forewarned that I don't swear like a sailor; I swear like a motherfucking prison inmate. So get over it, or don't read!
Alright, let's get this show on the road! I have a bad feeling that this is not going to be Kristy's best idea . . .
Also, ADVANCED APOLOGIES FOR FLAGRANTLY WANTON USAGE OF ELIPSES.
Chapter 1 - Humble pie - a.k.a. "Bitch gonna be takin' all the credit in the first sentence of the first book"
Okay, so I have NO bearings at all, as to which characters to like and dislike - but I have to say, I already feel like I should hate "it was TOTALLY all my idea!" girl. Oh wait, there's her disclaimer! I feel like it was probably in fine-print in her head. " . . . even though the four of us worked it out together." Bitch . . .
So we start off like most teenage girls start conversations and journal entries - whining, whining, whining! It's hot, she's complaining, nobody cares, blah blah - WHAT? The bell is set to go off at 2:42? That's a peculiar time to choose. Maybe this school district is all about numbers divisible by two, though. That's logical, right?
Now the kids are free and we discover that little Miss Credit Whore has a dildo for a teacher. Who wastes their time assigning an essay to a student who is excited about getting out of their sweaty hell-hole of a classroom? He is aware that he has to read whatever garbage this girl writes, doesn't he? Screw this guy.
We are introduced to Kristy's best friend as she scolds her for chewing on her nails. Not because, you know, bacteria, infection, illness, etc. but because she won't be able to wear nail polish! *le gasp* Gosh golly, not that! Now how will she EVER become a beautiful woman?!
She callously informs us that Mary Anne's mom is DEAD - not deceased, or passed away. She is straight up dead. Now daddy is a strict motherfucker to protect his only spawn. She can't, apparently, let her hair down (literally - girlfriend has to wear braids EVERY day) and can't ride her bike with her friends. Because the best way to let your daughter know you love and value her is to alienate her from her friends and force her to dress how you want. I hate to break it to daddy, but this is how you raise a girl who turns into one of MTV's "16 and pregnant" stars. For some reason, however, he is TOTALLY okay with her staying at a stranger's house with no supervision so she can watch someone else's hellspawn. WTF?
We soon discover that Kristy has a little brother who is a huge wuss, bawling his fucking face off for being locked out for a few minutes. Good thing she's "good with children . . . Mom says so." Mother's seal of approval, let's affix that right here! *stick*
Now that we have Pisspants in the house and let the dog out, let's give back-handed compliments to our acquaintance, "Claud." She's the artsy kid - ergo, she is "weird" and only good for a bike-riding companion. Apparently, she is also awesome for the sole reason that she doesn't have Mary Anne's Nazi of a father. Insert a note here that Kristy admits to having to "brainwash" Claudia to get her to do normal girly things and intentionally not bothering with her. Because, you know, trying to understand her, or play with her doing something she likes to do is out of the question? Jesus, this Kristy girl is kind of a cunt . . .
We're shallowly introduced to her brother Charlie with a mention of Sam, as well. I get the feeling they will continue to be shallow background characters based on the STELLAR writing style of this author. Why is it necessary to use names EVERY time she mentions someone instead of starting to rely on some real writing techniques, like descriptions? This is like reading Harry Potter as an adult all over again! "Kristy did this," "Kristy said this," Kristy, Kristy, Kristy. Fuck. PRO-TIP: STOP USING NAMES CONSTANTLY. IT IS FUCKING IRRITATING TO READ.
Pisspants and company go to the brook because, apparently, he's too small to enjoy football with his brothers. Maybe because he is a giant whimp? Just sayin' . . .
My god, this writing is pathetic. This is actually a quote: "Mary Anne and I took David Michael and Louie to the brook. We watched David Michael wade and make sailboats and try to catch minnows. Louie ran around, looking for squirrels." I'm not going to get over the horrible writing, I'm really not.
ANYWAY, we spend a whole 3 sentences at the brook before Mary Anne peaces out. Probably because daddy will lose his shit if he gets home and his baby isn't there to order around.
Mom comes home and tries to bribe the kids with pizza - which is GENIUS! However, her plan is foiled when everyone has an excuse for not babysitting Pisspants after school the next day. Then mom let's out the hugest curseword ever! "Drat." Whut? Wow . . . this is textbook "what real life conversations are like!" Jesus . . . Kristy almost chokes herself on pizza in her excitement to flashlight her genius plan for a club to Mary Anne at nine 'o' clock.
- End slate.
So, bear with me guys - this will be my very first time reading BSC. I was inspired by the snarks of the EVER-so-clever ROAD_BABY and I wanted a piece of this sassy action! Be forewarned that I don't swear like a sailor; I swear like a motherfucking prison inmate. So get over it, or don't read!
Alright, let's get this show on the road! I have a bad feeling that this is not going to be Kristy's best idea . . .
Also, ADVANCED APOLOGIES FOR FLAGRANTLY WANTON USAGE OF ELIPSES.
Chapter 1 - Humble pie - a.k.a. "Bitch gonna be takin' all the credit in the first sentence of the first book"
Okay, so I have NO bearings at all, as to which characters to like and dislike - but I have to say, I already feel like I should hate "it was TOTALLY all my idea!" girl. Oh wait, there's her disclaimer! I feel like it was probably in fine-print in her head. " . . . even though the four of us worked it out together." Bitch . . .
So we start off like most teenage girls start conversations and journal entries - whining, whining, whining! It's hot, she's complaining, nobody cares, blah blah - WHAT? The bell is set to go off at 2:42? That's a peculiar time to choose. Maybe this school district is all about numbers divisible by two, though. That's logical, right?
Now the kids are free and we discover that little Miss Credit Whore has a dildo for a teacher. Who wastes their time assigning an essay to a student who is excited about getting out of their sweaty hell-hole of a classroom? He is aware that he has to read whatever garbage this girl writes, doesn't he? Screw this guy.
We are introduced to Kristy's best friend as she scolds her for chewing on her nails. Not because, you know, bacteria, infection, illness, etc. but because she won't be able to wear nail polish! *le gasp* Gosh golly, not that! Now how will she EVER become a beautiful woman?!
She callously informs us that Mary Anne's mom is DEAD - not deceased, or passed away. She is straight up dead. Now daddy is a strict motherfucker to protect his only spawn. She can't, apparently, let her hair down (literally - girlfriend has to wear braids EVERY day) and can't ride her bike with her friends. Because the best way to let your daughter know you love and value her is to alienate her from her friends and force her to dress how you want. I hate to break it to daddy, but this is how you raise a girl who turns into one of MTV's "16 and pregnant" stars. For some reason, however, he is TOTALLY okay with her staying at a stranger's house with no supervision so she can watch someone else's hellspawn. WTF?
We soon discover that Kristy has a little brother who is a huge wuss, bawling his fucking face off for being locked out for a few minutes. Good thing she's "good with children . . . Mom says so." Mother's seal of approval, let's affix that right here! *stick*
Now that we have Pisspants in the house and let the dog out, let's give back-handed compliments to our acquaintance, "Claud." She's the artsy kid - ergo, she is "weird" and only good for a bike-riding companion. Apparently, she is also awesome for the sole reason that she doesn't have Mary Anne's Nazi of a father. Insert a note here that Kristy admits to having to "brainwash" Claudia to get her to do normal girly things and intentionally not bothering with her. Because, you know, trying to understand her, or play with her doing something she likes to do is out of the question? Jesus, this Kristy girl is kind of a cunt . . .
We're shallowly introduced to her brother Charlie with a mention of Sam, as well. I get the feeling they will continue to be shallow background characters based on the STELLAR writing style of this author. Why is it necessary to use names EVERY time she mentions someone instead of starting to rely on some real writing techniques, like descriptions? This is like reading Harry Potter as an adult all over again! "Kristy did this," "Kristy said this," Kristy, Kristy, Kristy. Fuck. PRO-TIP: STOP USING NAMES CONSTANTLY. IT IS FUCKING IRRITATING TO READ.
Pisspants and company go to the brook because, apparently, he's too small to enjoy football with his brothers. Maybe because he is a giant whimp? Just sayin' . . .
My god, this writing is pathetic. This is actually a quote: "Mary Anne and I took David Michael and Louie to the brook. We watched David Michael wade and make sailboats and try to catch minnows. Louie ran around, looking for squirrels." I'm not going to get over the horrible writing, I'm really not.
ANYWAY, we spend a whole 3 sentences at the brook before Mary Anne peaces out. Probably because daddy will lose his shit if he gets home and his baby isn't there to order around.
Mom comes home and tries to bribe the kids with pizza - which is GENIUS! However, her plan is foiled when everyone has an excuse for not babysitting Pisspants after school the next day. Then mom let's out the hugest curseword ever! "Drat." Whut? Wow . . . this is textbook "what real life conversations are like!" Jesus . . . Kristy almost chokes herself on pizza in her excitement to flashlight her genius plan for a club to Mary Anne at nine 'o' clock.
- End slate.