and we feel fine
It is no secret to those of you who know me that I loathe this upcoming holiday. Not because of the commemoration itself, as I'm rather fond of my country, even though I sort of see it as the smart kid that gets into fights behind the bleachers in high school and you just wanna grab the little prat and shake him and be all DUDE GET YOUR HEAD ON RIGHT because you know he can do better, he's just dicking around on purpose.
Er. That's a bit telling. But, in my family anyway, it's not a proper birthday without your relatives telling you what they really think of you. Traditions are important.
What I mean to say is, it's not the commemoration of a historical event itself that I dislike. And it is also the birthday of one of my favorite people I haven't seen in about a decade, so that's another good thing. (SHIT I FORGOT TO MAIL A CARD.)
The problem is the goddamn explosives. I hate them. The dog hates them. Every dog I have ever had has hated them. The land dislikes it too, or maybe likes it a lot, because we've been under drought conditions for about the past two presidencies and firecrackers are a great way to get a lot of shit burnt down in a hurry. They were outlawed, then ... inlawed... and now there's some sort of proscription against heavy ordnance that the military would rather keep hold of, but everything else is okay.
That means anyone who can get to one of those sudden roadside tents can load up on small explosives and cause a ruckus. Which, if you saw that thing on Mythbusters about the coffee creamer, sometimes the most innocent things are the ones you gotta look out for.
Last night I do believe I came across a solution - at least a temporary one - at least one that will amuse me instead of make me want to run around outside with a shovel shutting people up so well they'll need physical therapy. It is this: the judicious application of certain parts of the Tom Lehrer oeuvre sounds SO MUCH BETTER WITH EXPLOSIONS IN THE BACKGROUND. I had no idea. This is fucking brilliant.
It goes kinda like this:
So long, mom *POW*
I’m off to *SNAP* drop the bomb *POP-POP-POP*
So don’t *FWEEEEEE* wait up for me
But *KA-POW* while you swelter
Down there in your shelter *CRRRRACK*
You can see me *BANG* on your tv!
Er. That's a bit telling. But, in my family anyway, it's not a proper birthday without your relatives telling you what they really think of you. Traditions are important.
What I mean to say is, it's not the commemoration of a historical event itself that I dislike. And it is also the birthday of one of my favorite people I haven't seen in about a decade, so that's another good thing. (SHIT I FORGOT TO MAIL A CARD.)
The problem is the goddamn explosives. I hate them. The dog hates them. Every dog I have ever had has hated them. The land dislikes it too, or maybe likes it a lot, because we've been under drought conditions for about the past two presidencies and firecrackers are a great way to get a lot of shit burnt down in a hurry. They were outlawed, then ... inlawed... and now there's some sort of proscription against heavy ordnance that the military would rather keep hold of, but everything else is okay.
That means anyone who can get to one of those sudden roadside tents can load up on small explosives and cause a ruckus. Which, if you saw that thing on Mythbusters about the coffee creamer, sometimes the most innocent things are the ones you gotta look out for.
Last night I do believe I came across a solution - at least a temporary one - at least one that will amuse me instead of make me want to run around outside with a shovel shutting people up so well they'll need physical therapy. It is this: the judicious application of certain parts of the Tom Lehrer oeuvre sounds SO MUCH BETTER WITH EXPLOSIONS IN THE BACKGROUND. I had no idea. This is fucking brilliant.
It goes kinda like this:
So long, mom *POW*
I’m off to *SNAP* drop the bomb *POP-POP-POP*
So don’t *FWEEEEEE* wait up for me
But *KA-POW* while you swelter
Down there in your shelter *CRRRRACK*
You can see me *BANG* on your tv!