I don't wanna miss a thing
Yup...that song is currently putting me on the verge of tears. Again. I mean...all day long I keep tearing up. The only thing that kept me from actually bawling my eyes out is the fact that I was at work. Most of us were having a bad day so we all bemoaned eachother's miseries...all very different in circumstance and severity...but still hard to deal with. I feel like I have ruined the best thing that's ever happend to me. And I don't know how to fix it. I feel like everything I do is to keep myself from getting hurt and in the end all I do is hurt him and whyyyy am i doing it? It's not like I have absolutely no control over myself. The issue at the moment is because last week at church I decided that God was telling me I needed to back off physically from him because he is freaking married. I told him that it was me punishing him for the hurtful, hurtful things he had said the night before. What. A. Bunch. of. Bullshit. I don't know why I can't just be honest about it. I guess there's always that fear that he doesn't love me as much as he says and that sex is a big deal because well sex tends to be a big deal. Now I am just making it a big deal. And I am ashamed of...whatever...god stuff. I shouldn't be. It's just hard for everyone involved when I am such a sexual person and I want him sooo badly. The moment I see get him alone...all my insticts will scream one thing and one thing only. Why can't he believe that? I mean...it's so true it hurts. Because I think it would be better for us not to have sex. But I don't want to lose some of the substance that made things good between us because I said I wanted to cut him off. And this is such a mess right now. I should have just been completely honest from the beginning. Why do I always pull shit like that? All he has ever been is honest.. The least I owe him is complete honesty in return. Keeping that 'revelation' from him just made me start stop sharing my feelings with him and now...i just want to fix things. I just want to hug him so tight and never let him go. I want to be no further than an inch or two away from him for a good amount of time. He is my love...my best friend...the only person I feel truly connected to anymore...the only person that cares that isn't related to me and even then he cares more. The fact that he is married and all the complications right now...i'd rather deal with those and be with him than not be with him at all. I know how disgusting it is that i am 'the other woman'. I can't justify it in any way. All I can say is that there are moments in your life when you just KNOW that if you pass up the opportunity, you'll never get that chance again. This is it for me. If things fall apart with us ever...I will never really move on. I may date...i may flirt...but i know for a fact I will never feel this again. Now you tell me....how does one ignore this? It isn't possible. Maybe I understand some things of the world a little better now that I can be grouped in with real hard sinners. I understand now, Kellie. Too bad I don't have to guts to actually tell anyone that cares. I'd love to have my mom to turn to in times like these. I wish I had someone to rant to about it. Someone that would understand and support and just...listen. But if i ever tell my mother i am in love with a married man...i know exactly what she would say. Exactly what everyone thinks. There's always that...So you really think he will leave her for you, huh? Well I know the answer. I know I 'win'. He. Loves. Me. That is that.